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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
WalkingRunning · 29/10/2023 06:59

Also when you have kids I think it's perfectly acceptable to use annual leave to help each other out when these events come up because you have no other childcare. I'm sure something will come along for you and you'll need him to take leave, and he should and you should go enjoy yourself too! The years will be long if you both miss out on everything so you aren't with the child solo for a bit

Hibiscrubbed · 29/10/2023 06:59

You’re being highly unreasonable.

Canisaysomething · 29/10/2023 07:00

You should be able to look after your own child for a few days by yourself.

Hellenabe · 29/10/2023 07:02

I'm always a bit surprised at these posts give I'm a single parent of two small children. I'm no super mum but I managed. How can you not manage one child?

Hadalifeonce · 29/10/2023 07:03

What is it that you are actually anxious about? Have you not been looking after you DC at home, has it been your DH?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 29/10/2023 07:03

CoffeeBean5 · 29/10/2023 06:21

I think 4 days is too long for a stag. One night or a weekend is enough. He could spend the money he'll spend on flights, hotels, food, alcohol and whatever else on a family holiday instead for the 3 of you.

If they can afford it why shouldn't he have a solo holiday? Assuming the OP gets to do the same when she wants to?

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 29/10/2023 07:03

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 29/10/2023 06:19

Yep that's a fair point - he needs to arrange and pay for childcare

Show quote history

I really don’t think this is fair. The man is on PATERNITY leave. When I was in maternity leave, I was our childcare. If my husband had told me to pay for alternative childcare instead of covering for me while I was on leave, I’d have been furious.

margotrose · 29/10/2023 07:05

Of course you're being unreasonable.

You shouldn't have got a puppy if you couldn't cope with looking after it alongside a baby.

EnolaJ · 29/10/2023 07:05

I think you're being very unreasonable let him go on the stag do, one child and a dog for a few days it's not worth your DH potentially straining his friendships over. Would you miss something important for one of your friends?

MummyJ36 · 29/10/2023 07:06

I think the more reasonable thing to do would for him to have gone away for 2 nights but I think it’s probably a bit too close for him to change it all around now. You’re not unreasonable for feeling overwhelmed. Could you pay someone to walk the puppy ?

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2023 07:08

You'll cope.

letstrythatagain · 29/10/2023 07:08

Don't stop him going. Don't even suggest it because you'll plant the seed then and he won't enjoy himself. It's difficult coping alone and I get that. My partner works away a lot and last year a 3 week trip turned into 2 months 🤦‍♀️. But you just cope. You are strong enough and able enough to do it. Honestly you'll be a bit stressed but fine x

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2023 07:09

Hellenabe · 29/10/2023 07:02

I'm always a bit surprised at these posts give I'm a single parent of two small children. I'm no super mum but I managed. How can you not manage one child?

This. God forbid anything happen to him, I guess op would just die or something without anyone to help her.

NotAscoob · 29/10/2023 07:09

My husband goes away for months at a time with his work. Abroad. We have two children. I am left to cope.

I think you need to pull up your big girl pants.

CryptidChangeling · 29/10/2023 07:13

Honestly, the most unreasonable part of this all is getting a puppy with an 11 month old. I think you're just going to have to deal with it unless you can afford to put the puppy in a kennel for the weekend.

Blahblahblah2 · 29/10/2023 07:14

So many harsh comments and braggy stories about being left alone with children. Well done, everyone, for pretending that looking after babies and small children is a breeze. It isn't and you know it.

I would also be apprehensive about this. Everyone does relationships differently, but there's no way either of us would have gone away and left the other alone at the 11 month mark. No way! If you're feeling uneasy, please talk to your husband about it.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 29/10/2023 07:15

Just be aware that he'll be 4 days on the stag and then at least another 4 recovering from it.

I think grown men going on stags abroad are pretty fucking tragic to be honest, I'd have an issue with that not being left.

PissPotPourri · 29/10/2023 07:16

I love that you preface this with “this is not a LTB” situation! Like people were actually going to think your dp was so awful for leaving you with a baby for four days, that you should leave him.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2023 07:16

If child is 11 months then he will be nearly at the end of shared parental leave year, and you will both be at work.

So could you start baby at nursery a couple of weeks early to cover the days you are working.

And the do with the puppy whatever it is that you are going to do with the dog when you are both at work.

Erdinger · 29/10/2023 07:17

Yes, YABU. I presume you’ve known about this trip for a while that’s why you’ve organised AL in advance.

Dishwashersaurous · 29/10/2023 07:19

And unfortunately it's just a fact that once you have children someone always needs to look after them.

Which does mean taking annual leave sometimes so that the other parent can do something fun. For both parents

Twiglets1 · 29/10/2023 07:19

Jesus let the poor guy have some fun @Biancagreenly

You should be able to look after your own kid for a few days and I would say exactly the same thing if this was a man posting.

AnOldCynic · 29/10/2023 07:19

A problem because you have to take time off work to facilitate him going away? I can see that as being annoying. Can't you take a break yourself? Take the baby away for a couple of days?

What's going to happen when his parental leave finishes? Can't you put those arrangements into place earlier?

aroomwithaperfectview · 29/10/2023 07:20

Hellenabe · 29/10/2023 07:02

I'm always a bit surprised at these posts give I'm a single parent of two small children. I'm no super mum but I managed. How can you not manage one child?

So am I. I was a single parent for 10 year, working full time and with a long commute. I had a child minder for the week days but other than that no family or friends to help whatsoever. It was lonely at times, especially at the week end but I managed very well and I'm by no mean a superwoman. I think the OP is underestimeting her capacities to parent alone.

Copperoliverbear · 29/10/2023 07:24

I'd let him go, just make sure you go away when you want to, surely you must have some friends and if you haven't, you should start going to baby groups to meet other women in the same situation as you.
Would it be possible for you to go and stay at your parents if you wanted to for the four days ?