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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 08:16

@Watchkeys You are so right. I am so glad you came to a public forum where people ask for advice to make that point. So helpful.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 29/10/2023 08:16

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 08:06

@Simonjt Well, most new parents start paternity leave then their baby arrives, not 5 months later.

And I've never heard of a company giving 6+ months PL. But hey, what do I know.

OP doesn't know how lucky she is.

Most fathers I know get 2 weeks paternity leave.

You can switch and swap parental leave essentially whenever in England (no idea about the rest of the UK) its been in place since about 2015/16 I think.

Orangello · 29/10/2023 08:17

Maybe puppy and a small baby was not the best idea, if you're already struggling.
But I also find it odd that you feel unable to cope. DC1 was 9 months when I left him with DH (plus 2 dogs and 3 cats) and neither of us even considered that he might not be able to cope. It's just one baby, it should not always need all hands on deck.

HuntingoftheSnark · 29/10/2023 08:17

I only had six weeks maternity leave so frankly a bit astonished by the time he's had off. I would be considering a nursery or childminder - possibly a good time to start this? Other people's situations are obviously different - I was a sole parent and overseas so had to get on with it. No dog though, but a fairly demanding cat.

Busephalus · 29/10/2023 08:19

It's a bit ott of the groom having such a long stag do

Antilope · 29/10/2023 08:20

You know single mums live like that every day from day 1?

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 29/10/2023 08:21

How do us lone parents survive? He has been on paternity leave, parenting every day. If this was a reverse and someone was saying they wanted to go to a hen do whilst on maternity but their husband didn't want them to, the world would be up in arms with yells of LTB.

mindutopia · 29/10/2023 08:22

It’s absolutely fine and normal for him to have a few days on occasion away to do something fun. Twice a month, no. A few times a year, yes.

Dh went away for a weekend to a wedding when our first was 10 weeks old. It was a child free wedding of a close friend. Actually, I think he went to another friend’s wedding when our 2nd was about a year for 3-4 days. It was abroad (and childfree), Dh was best man. We have no family help so never has been anyone who could help either of us.

It’s completely fine. I took my 2nd abroad on my own at 8 months, manoeuvred airport/train/bus and 5 days alone in a foreign country with my 8 month old alone. It was great and no big deal. You’ll be fine at home, just make lots of plans for the daytimes so you stay busy.

Escapetofrance · 29/10/2023 08:23

If you’re having to rearrange work and take holiday to care for your ds whilst your dh is away having fun, I would be planning a nice weekend away by myself to have something to focus on and look forward to.
Some women still bare the bigger load of working and looking after children, I know I did. It’s amazing that your dh had such a long paternity leave.
It would be helpful if your puppy stayed with someone else whilst your dh is away & it will give you one less thing to worry about. All the best!

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 29/10/2023 08:25

Unless there are other major things going on you haven’t mentioned then YABU. Surely you can cope with looking after an almost 1 year old and a puppy for a few days. At worst you might be a bit bored.

that said it’s a two way thing and you DH should be happy to look after your DS if you want to go away yourself.

cakepip · 29/10/2023 08:26

Yes it would be unreasonable, you have to learn to look after your baby on your own.

Why oh why did you get a puppy at this stage of your life?

YvonneBee · 29/10/2023 08:29

Maybe hire a babysitter if you can afford it to look after baby and give you a few hours rest perhaps do this on a couple of occasions during his stays away? Or a cleaner to come in and do some cleaning / laundry? Order a takeaway for one and make life easy? Or hire a dog walker? Are there any students in the area wanting a few hours work helping you?

JT69 · 29/10/2023 08:29

Had to re read the OP - of course you can cope with an 11 month old for a few days and no the dog doesn’t need to go into kennels 🙄. How do you think the rest of us cope ? Single parents? Plan your time alone to break up the days. I’m sure it’ll work out better than you think.

viques · 29/10/2023 08:30

Get a puppy walker, a pile of ready meals , plenty of nappies, a box of tissues, a cosy onesy, and line up a load of stuff to binge watch with the baby. You will survive!

ALTERNATIVELY , get a grip and make a few calls to sort out stuff with work. Then have a look at the news and see how other women with 11 month old children are coping with life.

adriftabroad · 29/10/2023 08:33

Good God.

Just crack on with it.
You seem to have lost all sense of normal functional adult life.

cansu · 29/10/2023 08:36

Yes it would be unreasonable. Let him go.

Igloolou · 29/10/2023 08:37

although I think YABU, people are kind of being dicks here. I’d dread the thought of spending 3/4 days with my 11 month old on my own. Not because I’m not capable, because it’s bloody exhausting and stressful.
that said, I wouldn’t stop him going.
just try and get to as many baby groups or just out the house as much as you can. And when he returns make sure you get your own decent break.

Tandora · 29/10/2023 08:37

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 29/10/2023 08:21

How do us lone parents survive? He has been on paternity leave, parenting every day. If this was a reverse and someone was saying they wanted to go to a hen do whilst on maternity but their husband didn't want them to, the world would be up in arms with yells of LTB.

No they wouldn’t 😂🙄

Tourmalines · 29/10/2023 08:37

Of course you can cope . You just don’t want him to go .

Abracadabra1 · 29/10/2023 08:38

So flip this the other way round, you're on maternity leave and you have a hen do and your partner doesn't want you to go as he will have to take a couple of days leave...I think most people would think that was unreasonable. Im not sure this is any different.
Taking annual leave to cover illness/inset days/ partners being away is just part of being a parent. Mine is used up to cover school holidays. None left for any me time, and that's just how it is.
Lots of parents go away for work, and social events that are important, and you will too so I think on this occasion you are being unreasonable.

Igloolou · 29/10/2023 08:38

I did mean to add something to my post - why the fuck have you got a puppy!

Tandora · 29/10/2023 08:38

Tandora · 29/10/2023 08:37

No they wouldn’t 😂🙄

Show quote history

Plus when have you ever heard of a mum asking to go on a 4 day hen whilst one her mat leave ? 😂

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 29/10/2023 08:39

He should be able to go! Becoming a parent shouldn’t stop fun things in life… that way relationship misery and resentment lies. Likewise for you!

It may seem like a big deal but that’s just because you’ve not done it alone before. Once you’ve got one trip under your belt you’ll wonder why you were so worried and hopefully plan your own!

Tiredmum100 · 29/10/2023 08:45

I think yabu. It might be difficult, yes, but surely you can suck it up so your dh can have a break.

Chocolatelover13 · 29/10/2023 08:45

He should go. At 11 months old I don’t think you should need help, but understand you might want it.

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