Page 19 | DH going away for few days

Biancagreenly · 2023-10-29T02:02:34+00:00

A bit of AIBU and WWYD. I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on. Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work. DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours. Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days. Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

Jem123456789 · 31/10/2023 20:53

I’m sorry but you’re being ridiculous. My DH worked away 3 nights a week every week when I had two DC under the age of 2, and I worked as well, with no help from anyone! It may even give you the chance to get more confidence in being a parent! Tbh your husband must need a break if he’s been on paternity leave for six months. Put on your big girls knickers and get in with it.

Blueflower1612 · 31/10/2023 21:35

What is making you feel so anxious? It’s only a few days so I think it will be really unfair to expect him not to go. He deserves a break and will be back before you know it. Lots of parents look after children on their own for a few days on their own and are fine. It’s pretty normal behaviour.

FlissyPaps · 31/10/2023 21:38

OP: Am I being unreasonable?

MN: Yes

OP: Waaaahhh no I’m not

😂

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 31/10/2023 21:44

You are being absolutely ridiculous. How do you think single parents cope? It’s only for a few days! What are you expecting the great calamity to be?

Tourmalines · 31/10/2023 22:25

OopsaDazy · 31/10/2023 11:33

I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days.

I'm sorry but this is just ridiculous.

As a grown woman, with an 11 month old child, (so hardly a baby) you're really saying you can't feed yourself and a baby for 3-4 days without another adult helping you plan meals in advance and you will both do some cleaning before he goes away?

How much cleaning does a house need if there is only you and an 11 month old in it for 3 days?

What on earth can need doing? A quick vacuum, wash the dishes, throw clothes into a washing machine?

If your child is not already at a nursery, do they take children who aren't on the register?

Good God, can you start to imagine how women 100 years ago coped on their own with 10 children, a H out at work and no mod cons?

Your update makes painful reading.

Agree , such a big drama . Ridiculous. He will help with meal plan for 4 days because he’s not there? WOW, just wow

cccarol · 31/10/2023 23:10

wow your poor husband so many rules put on him give him a break please

Highlighta · 01/11/2023 05:48

OP if you are still here... Have you thought that your parent may also be thinking the very same as the most of the posters here, and in fact isn't too busy to drop everything for you. But rather they may feel you need to stop being so dependant on them for such minor things.

Feelinglow27 · 01/11/2023 06:25

What exactly are you going to be doing while he is in nursery? Bizarre.

OopsaDazy · 01/11/2023 07:27

We do make a great team and since day one we've both been hands on deck. When one does bath-time the other one is cleaning the kitchen, one is cooking whilst the other one is changing the nappy, one is preparing the bottle the other one is playing with DS, one is doing laundry and the other emptying the dishwasher.

I think that you are not being honest in your posts. That's because there is so much contradiction. You talk about sharing all the chores - see above- but then later on you say you do most of the chores.

It might help your anxiety if you broke down what the real problem is.

Is it jealousy and resentment over him going away?

Is it the mistake of getting a puppy, when you were also planning to have a child? You must have got a puppy just months before you were pregnant. So is the real issue having a 'needy' (untrained) 2 yr old dog and an 11 month toddler?

Is it that the puppy isn't trained properly? Did you invest in professional puppy training and can do that again now?

Or is it that you can't multitask in any area of your life- work and home? You say work is stressful too. Do you have issues with planning (sounds like it if you need your H to prepare meals in advance when he's going away , and create a schedule for you.) Are you always disorganised and have issues with life skills that involve planning and multitasking? If you do, why might that be? Any ideas?
If you do, and have a need for an adult to hand-hold, ask why,

crumblingschools · 01/11/2023 08:31

@Feelinglow27 possibly working

YerArseInParsley · 01/11/2023 08:56

Biancagreenly · 31/10/2023 10:32

I won't be coming for another update. So feel free to keep piling on but I won't be back to comment after this.

I haven't changed my narrative, I think people love taking things out of context and polarise every comment made.

I do the vast majority of house chores, because he does the vast majority of childcare. That does not mean to say he can't wash a dish or that I can't change a nappy. That doesn't mean he is helpless (can't believe someone even suggested that!?) or that I can't parent. How is that so difficult to grasp?

I take our dog into the office because after months and months of trying he is simply not settling and it makes my DH life easier if the dog is not around, not because DH can't look after the dog either.

No, I haven't taken a full day for myself, but yes we both have our own hobbies and activities we enjoy. We take turns to make sure we both do our own thing. If he wants to go for a run in the middle of the day I look after DS in the meantime. If I want to go out for a drink with another friend DH stays at night looking after DS...

I cannot possibly explain every single tiny detail of our relationship... Are people really this simple minded?

Like @SuspiciousLampshade kindly said I am used to having a hands on parent by my side (just like he is also used to having me around all the time) so yes, the idea of not having him around makes me anxious. That does not mean to say I am incapable of looking after my own baby, or that I don't enjoy looking after him, of course I can and of course I love being with him. I can look after him and still feel anxious and uneasy about it.

So no, I am not pleased that I need to take annual leave yet again but yes I will do it and no I don't resent my DH, yes I do love him yes we make a good team, yes probably I would like to go on a spa day later on, no I am still not looking forward of being 4 days on my own, but yes I will manage, no I don't need to see the GP, no that does not make me a bad mum, yes I know other mums have it worse, or army wives, or single parents, or widows and yes I have a massive respect for them.

I've spoken to my DH, he is still going on his trip in few weeks time and he will enjoy it and have an amazing time. We now have a plan, he will help plan meals, we will clean the house before and we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days.

To all the lovely mums who support mums, you rock! Thank you for the lovely, objective and understanding advice it was really helpful. Even if some were harsh I appreciate the politeness.

And to the mums who shame other mums, I hope you got your thrill of replying something from the safety of hiding behind your screen and I really hope I don't get to meet you in real life.

@Biancagreenly

"I am used to having a hands on parent by my side (just like he is also used to having me around all the time) so yes, the idea of not having him around makes me anxious."

"we will get in touch with nursery to see if they DS can go for a half day on those days and I will have an activity plan for the days."

@Biancagreenly

Maybe the lifestyle you have works for your family but it sounds like you both are heavily dependent on each other so much so that you need to think about putting an 11 month into nursery for half days for a short amount of time. I'm not criticising or judging you but a parent should be able to cope for 3/4 days looking after their child all day.
Is there anything yous could change that would give you both a bit more independence? It's not good if you are anxious when you're partner is only away for a few days especially if it's going to be a regular thing for work.

OopsaDazy · 01/11/2023 09:32

You posted this in the wrong place @Biancagreenly

Far better if you'd posted in Parenting or a part of the site where you could ask for help. It's not really about the stag do but your anxiety of being alone with your child.

This isn't just about being resentful about your H going away (and you need to use annual holiday to look after your child.)

It's really more about your lack of confidence to be in your house, by yourself, with your child and look after them.

Most posters would sympathise and be helpful if your baby was a baby (ie a few weeks old). But he's 11 months.

If having no adult in the house with you gives you anxiety, then you need help.

Likewise if you have poor time-management and get stressed at the idea of having to plan and cook meals for yourself for 3 days, while caring for your baby.

This is not a normal response.

Are you both very young parents?

Sunandsea26 · 02/11/2023 09:36

I get it, it’s hard work. My husband went away for 5 days and left me with a 4 and 3 year old. It’s fricking hard being outnumbered. It is what it is. I then went away for the same amount of time and left them with him. What if the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted to go?
he has to go but you can then book one!

Sunandsea26 · 02/11/2023 09:43

Also you’ll be absolutely fine, you can do it, baby naps so you’ll have that break and can do cleaning or relax in that time. Plan to see friends etc!

Bouledeneige · 02/11/2023 13:15

But many women are lone or single parents and have to look after their children on their own. You shouldn't become a parent if you're not prepared to look after your own DC. Get as much practice as you can. They need you to be able to cope.

Sunandsea26 I kicked my Xh out after his affairs so was always looking after my 2 DC on their own from the age of 7 and 5. Even before we broke up he went away a lot so I often had them for a couple of weeks at a time on my own. Its really not that hard.

Loobeylooooo · 03/11/2023 11:37

As a single parent I can't actually believe I'm reading this! You can't look after your 11 month old on your own for four days? Time to put your big girl pants on. So you need to take annual leave, plan some fun activities, get the paints out make some Christmas cards for close family and friends (I'm thinking feet prints turned into reindeers, really easy to do). See if any of your friends with similar age children are free and plan a play date.

If it was the other way round and you had the chance for a few days away leaving DH at home alone how would you feel if he said you can't go?

Sorry (not sorry) if this hits a nerve but there are mothers out there that do everything for their DC 365 days of the year without the option of any help and do the most amazing job. If you can't cope with four days you need to be asking yourself why.

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:04

Rolling my eyes at all the cool wife responses on this thread. Of course you’ll manage op but I would also resent having to take 4 days leave but not actually get a break, so he can go on this excessively long stag do when he’s not even really working at the moment. It’s so much harder for you working ft then coming home to parenting/chores compared to being on paternity leave with one DC.

theleafandnotthetree · 03/11/2023 12:12

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:04

Rolling my eyes at all the cool wife responses on this thread. Of course you’ll manage op but I would also resent having to take 4 days leave but not actually get a break, so he can go on this excessively long stag do when he’s not even really working at the moment. It’s so much harder for you working ft then coming home to parenting/chores compared to being on paternity leave with one DC.

The stag do is almost certainly over a weekend so the likelihood is that the OP will have to take 2 days max AL. And if by 'cool wife' you mean being someone who wants people you love to enjoy life, have a separate identity and have things to look forward to, am happy to be in that category. Christ some people make parenting into such a drag and a trauma. I consider myself a somewhat reluctant mum, not the earth mother type at all but I have found most of it perfectly pleasant and enjoyable (16 years in). Of course there are shit and tedious bits, welcome to life!

ElaineMBenes · 03/11/2023 12:18

Rolling my eyes at all the cool wife responses on this thread.

Ridiculous! It is absolutely normal to go on stag dos/hen dos/weekends away with friends. Not making an issue about this doesn't make you a 'cool wife'.

Goldbar · 03/11/2023 12:38

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:04

Rolling my eyes at all the cool wife responses on this thread. Of course you’ll manage op but I would also resent having to take 4 days leave but not actually get a break, so he can go on this excessively long stag do when he’s not even really working at the moment. It’s so much harder for you working ft then coming home to parenting/chores compared to being on paternity leave with one DC.

I am far from being a "cool wife" and I also tend to agree that 4 day stag/hen dos are a bit excessive, but the time to object is when these things are being suggested/ booked, not in the run up to them when the person going would be letting people down if they pulled out. It's even less "cool" to be flaky - you agree, you go.

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:54

@Goldbar Yes I agree, not fair to make him cancel but I totally get why she’s not delighted by it. It’s not a position I would have put DH in when I was on Mat leave and he was working hard to support us all. Now that the children are older, fine. But when you have a very young child and other dependents like a puppy then personally I think solo holidays need to go on the back burner for a couple of years.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/11/2023 13:02

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:54

@Goldbar Yes I agree, not fair to make him cancel but I totally get why she’s not delighted by it. It’s not a position I would have put DH in when I was on Mat leave and he was working hard to support us all. Now that the children are older, fine. But when you have a very young child and other dependents like a puppy then personally I think solo holidays need to go on the back burner for a couple of years.

@PlinkyPlonk176

that would make for a very boring few years 🥱

ElaineMBenes · 03/11/2023 13:18

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:54

@Goldbar Yes I agree, not fair to make him cancel but I totally get why she’s not delighted by it. It’s not a position I would have put DH in when I was on Mat leave and he was working hard to support us all. Now that the children are older, fine. But when you have a very young child and other dependents like a puppy then personally I think solo holidays need to go on the back burner for a couple of years.

But why?
As long as it's not all the time I don't see an issue.

It's a few days!!

Tourmalines · 03/11/2023 19:17

PlinkyPlonk176 · 03/11/2023 12:54

@Goldbar Yes I agree, not fair to make him cancel but I totally get why she’s not delighted by it. It’s not a position I would have put DH in when I was on Mat leave and he was working hard to support us all. Now that the children are older, fine. But when you have a very young child and other dependents like a puppy then personally I think solo holidays need to go on the back burner for a couple of years.

i wouldn’t term going away for a long weekend to a stag do a holiday!

asdfgasdfg · 04/11/2023 17:17

Mine went overseas for 6 months two days after the baby we had tried for for 8 years was diagnosed with a congental heart disease, he did manage to get back for a couple of days when she had surgery aged 4 months