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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 29/10/2023 07:24

I think it's really healthy in marriage to sometimes do things for yourself and its a sign of a good marriage when partners can support one another doing those things.

It's not entirely clear if the issue is being on your own because you can't cope or as other seem to have surmised that you would be trying to work as well. I think you just need to take the time off. My dh has taken loads of time off work over the years to cover me doing things for myself.

taybert · 29/10/2023 07:26

I get you OP. I know lots of people wouldn’t have found that situation daunting but I would have. Looking back it was because I had pretty nasty post natal anxiety that I hadn’t really recognised. The baby hardly slept and I have a high pressure job and the thought of spending four whole days/nights inside my own head without another adult to talk to would’ve made me feel quite panicky. I was entirely capable of doing it. I knew very well how to care for my baby and I was good at it but I’d have probably taken myself off to my mum’s for some company more than anything.

So, I get where you’re coming from but I don’t think you should ask him not to go. Is there anything you can plan to break it up a bit? Dog elsewhere does sound like a good idea. Any friends nearby you could arrange to meet? Or activities going on you could go to?

Goldbar · 29/10/2023 07:27

He can't cancel at this point, he'd be letting everyone else down. If you're worried about coping alone, maybe get a babysitter for a few hours?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/10/2023 07:31

Are you supposed to be working from home at the same time as taking care of your child?

Simonjt · 29/10/2023 07:34

My husband went on a stag when he was on adoption leave, I think our daughter was around 9-10 months. I just took two days annual leave (I didn’t work at the weekend), it was fine as I’m a parent too.

Being able to look after your own children isn’t braggy to whoever said that, every parent should be more than capable of parenting their own children.

belgiumchocolates · 29/10/2023 07:42

YABU and sound very needy, sorry to be harsh but you asked for a sense check
If you would normally have to work on those days take time off

If you struggle to manage on your own look at dog walking services so you can focus on baby
Both partners should be able to take a break from time to time and the other partner should support them to do so. Baby is 11 months not a newborn

MsRosley · 29/10/2023 07:45

The only thing that's unreasonable is stag and hen dos taking four days. What was wrong with just a night out?

Strugglingtodomybest · 29/10/2023 07:46

Hope you're ok OP, you've had some harsh responses here. I understand your anxiety completely as I also found the first year extremely hard whilst trying to WFH.

However, I do agree that you he should go if he wants to.

timetochangethering · 29/10/2023 07:46

Surely the problem is more the "extremely needy puppy" which, if you can't cope on your own with a baby is really several steps too far!

Oblomov23 · 29/10/2023 07:49

YABU. If you can't cope for a few days with an 11 month old, then you really should be addressing why.

Dibbydoos · 29/10/2023 07:49

Take some time off work yourself. You'll not then feel torn. Or if you have to work, make your days shorter by taking leave. Talk to your manager so you can sort this with their knowledge.

I often just do meetings if I'm over busy and can't take the day off....

Igniteyourbones · 29/10/2023 07:49

I went to California to attend my best friends wedding when our FOUR children were 18 months, 3, 5 and 7. We couldn’t afford at the time for us all to go, so my husband bought me a plane ticket, booked a week off work and offered to have the kids on his own for a week while I attended the wedding! He did all the school and nursery and nursery runs, got them to all their afternoon activities, all the housework and cooking, bedtimes for 4 children. He never once complained or made me feel bad for leaving for a week. Because that’s what a loving partner does.
Come on OP you can handle an 11m for 4 days. Let your husband have a break and then it will mean that you could book a mini break with your friends a few months down the line and he can reciprocate the favour.

Pelegrinfalcon · 29/10/2023 07:51

I do think it is somewhat unusual that you don't feel equipped to parent your child for 4 days solo. Unless there is a massive back story, I think YABVU!

Terraria · 29/10/2023 07:54

I would take time off work when he is away.

platypuspart · 29/10/2023 07:55

It'll be fine - why wouldn't it be?! Enjoy the one-to-one time with baby and adjust your standards. I would also use it as a bargaining tool - get yourself 4 days booked in at some point where you go away minus baby/ partner.

ActDottie · 29/10/2023 07:58

Let him go. I’d understand if baby was new born but at 11 months I think he should be able to go.

Fingeronthebutton · 29/10/2023 07:59

Give me strength 🤦🏼‍♀️

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 08:01

I can't get my head round how he's had 6 months paternity leave since your child was 5 months.
How does that work?

Besides that, you are being unreasonable.
At that age, my DH was going away overseas on work trips regularly.
I just had to get on with it all.
No family near enough to help.

Simonjt · 29/10/2023 08:04

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 08:01

I can't get my head round how he's had 6 months paternity leave since your child was 5 months.
How does that work?

Besides that, you are being unreasonable.
At that age, my DH was going away overseas on work trips regularly.
I just had to get on with it all.
No family near enough to help.

If his paternity started when the baby was five months, if you add six that makes it 11. I’m confused as to why you’re confused.

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 08:04

My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Yes, welcome to the real world.

Working parents have to use holiday and rearrange their time to look after their child.

You've been incredibly lucky to have a H whose work gives him 6 months paternity leave. I've never heard of that. Most guys I know get 2 weeks then have to use annual holiday allowance.

jammyhand · 29/10/2023 08:05

Would your DH be OK with being left alone with baby for a few days?

I think probably yes. This appears to be a bit of a role reversal. Gently, your post is what we often see fathers saying because mothers do the bulk of childcare. The fathers are scared to be left alone with their child because it's like a bomb in their hands. As you say the baby sleeps well and is generally OK so I think it's just a matter of gaining confidence and experience.

Banrion · 29/10/2023 08:06

I find it very strange that you would even consider talking to him about this. You have one child and your "needy puppy". Why on earth can't you cope with that. You sound more needy than the puppy.

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 08:06

@Simonjt Well, most new parents start paternity leave then their baby arrives, not 5 months later.

And I've never heard of a company giving 6+ months PL. But hey, what do I know.

OP doesn't know how lucky she is.

Most fathers I know get 2 weeks paternity leave.

Moveoverdarlin · 29/10/2023 08:11

Take the days off work and look after one baby and one puppy. It’ll be fine.

JG24 · 29/10/2023 08:14

@oopsadazy Legally all couples can split the full parental leave between them however they like and if they are only asking for one full block of leave (eg 6 months from when the baby is 5 months old) then employers are not allowed to say no
Getting any more than statutory pay is another matter though