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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 29/10/2023 06:19

A puppy and a baby at the same time. Brilliant idea! You'll be telling us you're pregnant next and suffering from hyperemesis.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 29/10/2023 06:19

Anotherdayanothermoodswing · 29/10/2023 06:17

All these 'incredulous' responses saying op should be able to cope with her own baby on her own for a few days are totally missing the main issue here which seems to be that she is supposed to be working!? So not that she can't cope but that she will have to take annual leave to cover his jolly....

How about he can go if he arranges cover from one if his relatives? Your mum came last time but can't make this one, doesn't he have someone who can come and support you with baby WFH this time around?

If not I'd probably agree to it but on the understanding he owes you a trip away of you own!

Yep that's a fair point - he needs to arrange and pay for childcare

Wanttobefree2 · 29/10/2023 06:20

Unreasonable to ask him not to go but consider getting the dog walked/ put into kennels as it’s one less thing to worry about?

CoffeeBean5 · 29/10/2023 06:21

I think 4 days is too long for a stag. One night or a weekend is enough. He could spend the money he'll spend on flights, hotels, food, alcohol and whatever else on a family holiday instead for the 3 of you.

Wanderinghome · 29/10/2023 06:25

You could use this time to build your confidence with your child. Maybe arrange some days out and see how they goes. If he does most of the caring it will be an opportunity for you to deepen your bond one on one.

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2023 06:26

You've said your work is flexible and wfh and whilst it's a bit rubbish to have to rearrange things and make up the time, I still wouldn't be making an issue of him going on the stag do. Presumably this hasn't been sprung on you both last minute?
I also think if this was reversed and you were on maternity leave and the main at home parent, people would say you have every right to a break, you're with the baby full time etc etc.
I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine. I might think differently if your baby was 11 days, or 11 weeks but not 11 months and you say he's generally a settled baby. You'll be fine.

crumblingschools · 29/10/2023 06:28

WFH and juggling an 11 month old at the same time would be tricky at best if not impossible

LateAF · 29/10/2023 06:31

It sounds like you have lost confidence in your parenting abilities since your maternity leave ended. Maybe that’s why you think 3 days solo parenting with 1 child is a lot.

I personally think this is a great opportunity to remember how much you know and how strong you are. You gave birth to this child and nurtured this child as a primary carer during the newborn stage. Trying to remind you that you’ve survived tougher phases and challenges.

You’ve got this, you’ll survive and your DH will get a well earned break.

LemonTT · 29/10/2023 06:32

if he normally does the childcare then it’s fair to have a break. If he regularly can’t do it because he works away they should both find regular childcare and they should equally share the costs.

Necadalooshi · 29/10/2023 06:33

I agree with @Anotherdayanothermoodswing this isn't just about the sole care OP is meant to be working so has to use holiday to cover his stag do. He should be arranging childcare but I am wondering if he is the childcare if he has been off work for the last 6 months. ie there is no nursery/childminder who can look after the baby so the OP has to arrange time off work.

users953269 · 29/10/2023 06:38

It's so crazy to me to see the other side of things at times.

I've been DC's only parent for 5 years. I don't have any help from family or friends and have never had a night away from her. She also has several illnesses and disabilities. I've never moaned or asked for help, I've just got on with it.

I get that I'm used to this setup but why can you not look after your son without additional help?

jammyhand · 29/10/2023 06:43

Maternity and paternity leave were a bit isolating ime. If he's been on paternity leave for 6 months he might be feeling a bit socially isolated and this stag do would be good for catching up with his old circle.

FlowersFlowersEverywhere · 29/10/2023 06:44

It’s 3 days not 3 months. You should be able to cope with a nearly toddler and a puppy for that length of time. When my son was 4 months old I went dressage training for four days and left my husband to it - with two dogs at home as well. He coped fine.

GCAcademic · 29/10/2023 06:46

All these 'incredulous' responses saying op should be able to cope with her own baby on her own for a few days are totally missing the main issue here which seems to be that she is supposed to be working!? So not that she can't cope but that she will have to take annual leave to cover his jolly....

This. So many people on here who apparently can’t read, and have jumped straight to accusing the OP of not being able to cope with her own baby. I’m sure she can cope just fine with her baby but having to use up her own precious annual leave or make her working time more difficult to accommodate this trip - on top of the husband’s business trips - is a different scenario altogether.

Rosiiee · 29/10/2023 06:47

Arguably the stag is over a weekend (because the other men going on that stag presumably do work and can’t take 3 days off mid-week). The OP said DH would be away for 3 nights- Friday night, sat and Sunday night? Hardly impacts her work schedule?

HoppingPavlova · 29/10/2023 06:49

You can’t look after your own 11mo child for 3 nights by yourself? Because you also have a puppy?

Thank god you don’t have a partner in the military, or fifo work, I guess…….

Crimblecrumble1990 · 29/10/2023 06:50

Assuming there has been a conversation about how childcare can be sorted e.g - I've been invited on a Stag do, are you able to use 2 days annual leave (guessing stag over a weekend) to look after baby. Then yes you are being unreasonable.

Sounds completely normal and not hard at all. I imagine the time will come when you are invited somewhere for a couple of days and he can return the favour?

Rosiiee · 29/10/2023 06:51

@GCAcademic hes currently not going on any business trips because he’s been on paternity leave and she was on mat leave before that.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 29/10/2023 06:52

Why are you unable to look after your child on your own? I am really not sure what the issue is here??

when I had younger kids my DH travelled for work and I did weeks and weeks on my own ( 2 under 3 and a full time job) I survived and it really wasn’t that hard. I can’t imagine having to get someone round all the time?!

you are absolutely bloody unreasonable here - sounds like he needs a break and you need to pull yourself together a bit!

TinyTeacher · 29/10/2023 06:52

Can there be a compromise on a shorter time?

Otherwise, what is the childcare plan when DH returns to work? I assume this is soon as baby is nearly 1. Can this be brought forwards a week or two so that it doesn't impact your work?

How long do you have to organise cover? Surely a 4 day stag takes some organising so presumably this has not been sprung on you at short notice?

SD1978 · 29/10/2023 06:53

Sorry- but the baby is 11 months old. As others have said- 11 days, he'd be an arse, almost a year, I assume you have some underlying anxieties usually, for this ti be a big deal? He goes away every month regardless, maybe juts treat it the same as that, and start getting suede to sometimes doing it on your own?

ZenNudist · 29/10/2023 06:54

As long as its a one off and he does his share usually he should be fine to go.

I don't understand why you'd have to "stop working, rearrange work commitments, or use some holiday" etc? Is dc not in nursery?

If he does childcare whilst you work and you don't want to use your leave then he needs to find alternative childcare. Surely he's not looking after dc 4 days straight? How many days leave do you actually need to cover because I'd probably work it out for a one off. Say you need 2 days leave can you do that one week but work the time back when he's back? He might need to take more leave himself to "pay you back" for extra days worked.

WalkingRunning · 29/10/2023 06:55

In a nice way, have you been doing much childcare? If you haven't step it up and get more confident with it, I don't think you should be worried about looking after a baby on your own at this point. You both need lives too, you shouldn't stop him going, that would be ridiculous and I'd imagine you would be upset of he said you can't socialise because he needed help with the baby

Hyppogriff · 29/10/2023 06:55

I think you’re definitely being unreasonable - as another poster has said you have a single child who is nearly 1 not a newborn and no other children! Do you or the child have a disability or something you have not mentioned which would make that childcare more difficult ?

ZenNudist · 29/10/2023 06:58

Just realised he's on paternity leave in which case YABU and selfish. He deserves a break too.

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