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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to run for the hills from this guy

289 replies

Amysunsure · 29/10/2023 00:26

This year will be my first Christmas with DP, who I’ve been seeing for about 10 months. Everything has been going great, we get on amazing, met each other’s families, and have been on holiday together not long ago. We even talked recently about moving together in around a years time if things carry on going well. My colleagues have been saying how much happier I’ve looked this year and I know it’s all because of him.

except this past few days I have felt things might be about to crash down around me, and I honestly do not know what to do and I’m here for some advice.. I feel so upset, but don’t know if I’m overreacting,

DP and me are both huge fans of Christmas, and earlier in the week we were at his place, listening to Christmas songs (lol yes I know, in October) , talking about our favourites songs,
he was playing me a playlist he had put together.

I was horrified when the Gary Glitter song “another rock ‘n’ roll Christmas” started playing. As a child of the 80s, this one would always come on around Christmas time, but obviously very abruptly stopped when things were revealed about him.

I told DP to turn it off, and he asked why??! I said I’m not listening to any music by him, do you not realise what he did??

DP reply by saying “yes, I know, I feel very guilty saying this, but it is a good song isn’t it!! I don’t see why I should stop listening to the song!“

I literally stopped in my tracks and said to him, what do you think of what GG did? He said “well he’s disgusting, obviously, but it doesn’t change the fact it’s a good tune.”

so I have gone from feeling on top of the world and feeling like I had met the person I saw a future, to I don’t know if I can carry on being with him! All in the space of a couple days!

am I crazy to think of ending things with him over this?

Please be kind, I’m upset!

OP posts:
QWERTYoutside · 29/10/2023 01:51

I am astonished at the casual acceptance of disgusting people bc they had talent. I would not feel loved up knowing my partner wasn’t bothered by child abusers because they could sing. And no I don’t listen to mj anymore either.
YANBU

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 29/10/2023 01:56

DelphiniumBlue · Today 00:40

I came to the conclusion that if we were to ban all artists or scientists who’d committed unsavoury crimes, there’d be a lot less art/ music/literature or science including inventions and medical advances.

The great Descartes decided that animals were organic automata with no feelings, incapable of emotion. To prove this he would nail dogs by their paws and torture them. When observers pointed out they appeared to be suffering, he is quoted as saying 'A crying dog is no different from a whining gear that needs oil.'

He started with his wife's dog. Presumably he concluded women had no feelings either.

Today he is lauded as one of the greatest thinkers ever.

junbean · 29/10/2023 01:00

He's thinking logically and you're thinking emotionally. Neither of you are wrong, but I don't think it's something to end it over. He's separating the song from the man/deeds. You can't. Perhaps he can listen to it when you're not there, and be thoughtful enough not to when you are.

Asterales · 29/10/2023 01:08

The other side of this would be him thinking of ending the relationship because he perceives you as irrational, over-reactive and controlling. And he'd have a point tbf. This is a simple difference of opinion and not worth leaving a happy relationship for as far as I can see, but if you can't like him any more then that's the way it is and if that's the case you'd be best moving on for both your sakes.

user1473878824 · 29/10/2023 01:20

Oh come on OP. It’s a song. He didn’t say “so what?” about what he did. He listened to a song. And you’re upset and need people to be kind to you, because your boyfriend played a song.

exaltedwombat · 29/10/2023 01:24

You're a complete canceller, he isn't. It doesn't make either of you bad people.

Fionaville · 29/10/2023 01:25

YABU. It's just a song. We still play it. I also play Michael Jackson and I firmly believe he was a wrong'un too. You have to separate the artist from the art sometimes. When it's a song you love, you can't just stop loving it because the singer is a monster. It's not how music works.

Mydogmybestfriend · 29/10/2023 01:32

No don't leave him for this. I'm not a fan of r Kelly but I like some of his music and would listen to it even though he is vile.

greenhydrangea · 29/10/2023 01:47

am I crazy to think of ending things with him over this?

Yes. I feel revulsion when I hear the (rather fantastic sound still) first few bars of Rock n Roll, which is often used in tv and film. I wouldn't play it myself, because it makes me feel ill. But your boyfriend is able to separate things out a bit more. The fact that he feels guilty and is not defending the man is good. It would be a terrible shame to end things over a song, which presumably he would be open to not playing in your presence, as he cares for your feelings.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 29/10/2023 01:48

Sounds like a very extreme reaction but if you feel that strongly about it dump him. Good luck finding someone else who ticks all your boxes, I think it will take a while and that is if that person exists.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 01:51

DelphiniumBlue · 29/10/2023 00:40

I came to the conclusion that if we were to ban all artists or scientists who’d committed unsavoury crimes, there’d be a lot less art/ music/literature or science including inventions and medical advances.
Of course, not all of them have been convicted like GG has. Personally I wouldn’t want to be doing anything that would profit him, eg downloading music that would pay him royalties.
Maybe have more of a discussion about this with your bf - does he consider the crimes not serious enough to warrant a voluntary ban? Where does he draw the line? Where do you draw the line? What other things do you draw the line for?

Agree.

tolerable · 29/10/2023 01:53

i just auto went to iron maiden.

Mamma2017 · 29/10/2023 01:55

People keep referencing Michael Jackson yet he was found NOT guilty!

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 29/10/2023 02:14

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 29/10/2023 01:56

DelphiniumBlue · Today 00:40

I came to the conclusion that if we were to ban all artists or scientists who’d committed unsavoury crimes, there’d be a lot less art/ music/literature or science including inventions and medical advances.

The great Descartes decided that animals were organic automata with no feelings, incapable of emotion. To prove this he would nail dogs by their paws and torture them. When observers pointed out they appeared to be suffering, he is quoted as saying 'A crying dog is no different from a whining gear that needs oil.'

He started with his wife's dog. Presumably he concluded women had no feelings either.

Today he is lauded as one of the greatest thinkers ever.

Edited

The same guy who came up with mind-body duality? Nah, he was anything but clever.

lovelyjubbly888 · 29/10/2023 02:15

Honestly I think you are BU. I absolutely understand someone not wanting to listen to the music of someone who's been convicted of awful things, however, I do think we can separate the music from the artist, and appreciate the song itself. I do see your point of view but think unreasonable to end a relationship because of it.
But, it's your choice at the end of the day.

Tighginn · 29/10/2023 02:24

I feel the same about Bowie, feel like I'm the only one.

ShelleyCarpenter · 29/10/2023 03:08

YABU. Separate the artist from the art

bonzaitree · 29/10/2023 03:35

Just 2 different perspectives op. Some people (like you) cannot separate the work of art from the person who created it. Other people ( your OH) can.

I mean, there are so many sex abusers that we might soon end up with very little art that we can appreciate!

Of course your entitled to date/ not date anyone. But your values are never going to align 100%

mjf981 · 29/10/2023 03:46

You're mad and overly dramatic considering ending a relationship over this. He's not condoning what he did. Its just a song.

WeeDove · 29/10/2023 03:52

I don't think it's enough for you to decide to run for the hills. The other day a michael jackson song came on the radio (so, still on play lists i guess) and I thought this is a great song i 100% believe the boys (now grown men( who were SA'd by him

Kojaki · 29/10/2023 03:56

Yabu and ridiculous to think about ending things over that

AussieManque · 29/10/2023 04:10

Have a read of the book Monsters, by a film critic who tries to come to terms with great films being made by people who do bad things, like Roman Polanski.

lemmein · 29/10/2023 04:11

I didn't know GG sang that...your bf is right, it is a tune 🙈

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2023 04:24

I think yabu. As a society, we should be getting more instead of less tolerant of one another. Your bf hasn’t said or done anything abhorrent.

SingingSands · 29/10/2023 04:30

"Run for the hills" is being a bit dramatic.

You're (presumably) an adult OP. Surely you've acquired some critical thinking skills by now and are capable of applying some logic to the situation?

He isn't listening to the song thinking what a great guy Gary Glitter was, he's just enjoying a catchy tune that probably features in some of his happy Christmas memories . He's probably never to going to listen to it again now after your strop.

Catch yourself on or give the poor bloke a break as he'll likely be walking on eggshells wondering what you're going to react to next.

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