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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go on holiday without toddler?

276 replies

FormationLap · 28/10/2023 18:16

Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 30/10/2023 15:24

I was going to say YANBU, but I think 9 days is a very long time for a toddler, who's old enough to miss you, but not old enough to understand why you've gone and when/if you'll be back.

BitofaStramash · 30/10/2023 15:26

@Autumnvibes23

Well my children always did and we call all only share our personal experiences

brainstories568 · 30/10/2023 15:47

FormationLap · 28/10/2023 18:39

I was prepared for it tbh.

We're going to Miami - tying it in with the F1 race.

It's a one off, but what I will add, my dad won a couple of holidays for work back in the day and we went to stay with grandparents - we had a ball! Don't harm us. My parents called daily and we were fine.

Show quote history

I was just going to say that we have done something like this where we've tied in a sporting break that we like in with a couple of days holiday and will do again, we've been to many of the European F1 races now so we need to look further afield. We were considering Miami next year actually but couldn't get the dates to work. There's absolutely no way you'd be a "responsible parent" by taking a toddler to an F1 weekend. I feel so sorry for the kids who are carted there by their parents - perhaps once they're aged 9/10 or something!

We first left our child at 6 months with the grandparents for a long weekend (friends wedding involving planes) and then he's been to stay with both grandparents for a week at a time several times during school holidays when we have to work. I don't see anything wrong with it as long as he is happy and we trust them, which it sounds like you do too. We've also never felt the need to call our child when we are away (and he has never asked to talk to us, aside from discussing us being away to everyone) but I can understand why people do.

Zingy123 · 30/10/2023 16:02

Very selfish. 9 days is a massive amount of time. I could never have left my children for more than one night.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:04

Alighttouchonthetiller · 30/10/2023 14:56

That's a long time to be away. I never trust my own responses to this sort of thing, because I didn't have any help at all from anyone when my DD was small and I get all jealous and cross...but I do think that's too long to be away on a non-essential trip. How lovely to have free 24/7 childcare on tap so you can swan off and dump all your parenting responsibilities on someone else.

It’s very lovely. Poor you! Yes you do sound bitter and jealous.

For what it’s worth grandparents looking after children for a short time whilst parents go away isn’t absolving you of all parenting responsibilities.

It’s actually good for them to be looked after by other members of the family. Like they did in the good old days.They get different foods/rules. My Mum used to spend hours doing art with mine (not my thing). MIL used to cook with them. How you can think this is a bad thing is anyone’s guess.
But yes stinks of envy…

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:09

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:04

It’s very lovely. Poor you! Yes you do sound bitter and jealous.

For what it’s worth grandparents looking after children for a short time whilst parents go away isn’t absolving you of all parenting responsibilities.

It’s actually good for them to be looked after by other members of the family. Like they did in the good old days.They get different foods/rules. My Mum used to spend hours doing art with mine (not my thing). MIL used to cook with them. How you can think this is a bad thing is anyone’s guess.
But yes stinks of envy…

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It’s too long to leave a baby/tot. It doesn’t matter if others had tons of childcare or none, leaving a child this long unless you are not the main care giver most of the time is cruel.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:14

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:09

It’s too long to leave a baby/tot. It doesn’t matter if others had tons of childcare or none, leaving a child this long unless you are not the main care giver most of the time is cruel.

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Too long according to who? You? Cruel? We’re not talking child abandonment here. Get a sense of perspective. They are with loving grandparents not down the mines.

Just because you can’t bear to be apart for one minute from your children doesn’t mean that everyone needs to be as self sacrificing.
I doubt your toddler will thank you for it when they’re older.

BitofaStramash · 30/10/2023 16:20

I think those who fling around words like cruelty and selfish get off on trolling.

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:25

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:14

Too long according to who? You? Cruel? We’re not talking child abandonment here. Get a sense of perspective. They are with loving grandparents not down the mines.

Just because you can’t bear to be apart for one minute from your children doesn’t mean that everyone needs to be as self sacrificing.
I doubt your toddler will thank you for it when they’re older.

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My children are adults, and almost adults. Secure, well loved, high flying confident young people because they had a very secure attachment. It’s the basis and foundation of all future relationships for very young children.

A grandparent is no substitute for a parent, unless they happen to be the main day to day caregiver instead of a parent for whatever reason.

Toddlers have severe separation anxiety at this age, it couldn’t be a worse time to leave them.

I think you are the one that has the issues to be fair. Poor kids!

Parker231 · 30/10/2023 16:30

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:25

My children are adults, and almost adults. Secure, well loved, high flying confident young people because they had a very secure attachment. It’s the basis and foundation of all future relationships for very young children.

A grandparent is no substitute for a parent, unless they happen to be the main day to day caregiver instead of a parent for whatever reason.

Toddlers have severe separation anxiety at this age, it couldn’t be a worse time to leave them.

I think you are the one that has the issues to be fair. Poor kids!

Show quote history

Mine are in their early 20’s - also secure well adjusted adults. They had no issues with me working away from home and DH and I having holidays on our own as well as with them.

No separation anxiety issues- they started full time nursery at six months- as babies or in their childhood.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:54

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:25

My children are adults, and almost adults. Secure, well loved, high flying confident young people because they had a very secure attachment. It’s the basis and foundation of all future relationships for very young children.

A grandparent is no substitute for a parent, unless they happen to be the main day to day caregiver instead of a parent for whatever reason.

Toddlers have severe separation anxiety at this age, it couldn’t be a worse time to leave them.

I think you are the one that has the issues to be fair. Poor kids!

Show quote history

Yes poor kids being looked after by grandparents from time to time. It really is unheard of. I don’t know what I was thinking! Of course I should spend 24/7 parenting my children. Nobody else will do.

Do you include nursery with that? You know children that spend 7am-6pm at nursery then a couple of hours with parents in the evening? Because by your insane logic the main caregivers are the nursery.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:57

Lastchancechica · 30/10/2023 16:25

My children are adults, and almost adults. Secure, well loved, high flying confident young people because they had a very secure attachment. It’s the basis and foundation of all future relationships for very young children.

A grandparent is no substitute for a parent, unless they happen to be the main day to day caregiver instead of a parent for whatever reason.

Toddlers have severe separation anxiety at this age, it couldn’t be a worse time to leave them.

I think you are the one that has the issues to be fair. Poor kids!

Show quote history

My toddlers did not have ‘severe separation anxiety’ I wonder why yours did?!

Mine were very used to being looked after by grandparents. So no issues with a few breaks away. Was lovely. No regrets.

Snowdayplease · 30/10/2023 17:10

Nursery and then home to mum or dad is hardly the same as being left for 9 days and nights.

Delatron · 30/10/2023 17:29

Snowdayplease · 30/10/2023 17:10

Nursery and then home to mum or dad is hardly the same as being left for 9 days and nights.

Just going by one poster’s ‘primary caregiver’ logic. What makes you the primary caregiver? Time spent with the child or the fact that you are the parent? Can there be a few primary caregivers?

If the child is used to being at nursery all day for 3 days and then with grandparents 2 days - not seeing the parents in the evening for a few hours whilst they are away will have less of an impact than a child that spends all its time with the mother (or father). There will be no difference to their routine for 5 of the days. They’ll just be tucked in at night by grandparents (that they know very well). Instead of parents for a short time. There’s the rest of the whole year for the parents to spend with their child…

BitofaStramash · 30/10/2023 17:35

Snowdayplease · 30/10/2023 17:10

Nursery and then home to mum or dad is hardly the same as being left for 9 days and nights.

Left with loving grandparents.

Not abandoned on a street corner.

😂😂😂

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 05:18

Delatron · 30/10/2023 16:57

My toddlers did not have ‘severe separation anxiety’ I wonder why yours did?!

Mine were very used to being looked after by grandparents. So no issues with a few breaks away. Was lovely. No regrets.

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Your children must be the only toddlers not to have separation anxiety, probably because they were so used to being farmed out all of the time. Sad that they probably saw the hopelessness in crying or resisting very early on.

It is a red flag in a social services assessment actually, when we see toddlers indifference to their parents leaving.

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 05:29

Delatron · 30/10/2023 17:29

Just going by one poster’s ‘primary caregiver’ logic. What makes you the primary caregiver? Time spent with the child or the fact that you are the parent? Can there be a few primary caregivers?

If the child is used to being at nursery all day for 3 days and then with grandparents 2 days - not seeing the parents in the evening for a few hours whilst they are away will have less of an impact than a child that spends all its time with the mother (or father). There will be no difference to their routine for 5 of the days. They’ll just be tucked in at night by grandparents (that they know very well). Instead of parents for a short time. There’s the rest of the whole year for the parents to spend with their child…

Show quote history

There is only one primary caregiver. One person that cares and attends to the child the most day in and day out, a secure attachment should then follow. Here is just one of studies that highlight that a toddler will always look for it’s ‘primary caregiver’ when distressed - whoever that might be:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0163638312001117

For some children sadly that won’t be their own parents.

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 31/10/2023 05:32

We did this when my DC was 2.5 except it was to move house not for holiday. We were moving cities and needed to pack up whole house in one city and relocate to new one. PIL had DC for 7 days.

DC/PIL are very close and I found it a mix of really hard being away from DC and recharge time (despite stress of moving house!).

People used to travel for weeks and months without their kids. Whilst it’s not something I would have done for that long if it wasn’t relocating, your DC will continue to have a solid relationship with her grandparents which is priceless x

Parker231 · 31/10/2023 05:50

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 05:18

Your children must be the only toddlers not to have separation anxiety, probably because they were so used to being farmed out all of the time. Sad that they probably saw the hopelessness in crying or resisting very early on.

It is a red flag in a social services assessment actually, when we see toddlers indifference to their parents leaving.

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Rubbish - babies and toddlers happily attend nursery without any anxiety. I don’t see Social Services queuing up to check up their welfare.

luckylavender · 31/10/2023 05:56

FormationLap · 28/10/2023 18:16

Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

You know what they say OP - you do you. It's nobody else's business & your DD will be fine. You're getting some flak here too - same applies.

cravingmilkshake · 31/10/2023 05:57

I've done this every year since they were were one (5 year old and two 2 year olds) The most I managed from them is 2 nights.

I missed them horribly and they missed me horribly, perhaps as they ge rover and we could I might stretch that to 3/4 nights but anything more than that is far too long

Lastchancechica · 31/10/2023 05:59

Parker231 · 31/10/2023 05:50

Rubbish - babies and toddlers happily attend nursery without any anxiety. I don’t see Social Services queuing up to check up their welfare.

Show quote history

Nurseries do have a negative impact on very young children.

Poniesandrainbows · 31/10/2023 06:07

I think a lot of people would silently judge you tbh.
I've gone away for a week without DS but he's always stated with his dad. He's 14 now and I'd not leave him with a grandparent for 9 days.