AIBU to go on holiday without toddler?

[FormationLap]

Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

DT’s went full time to nursery from six months. Now in their early 20’s. No negative impact.

In your opinion.

As you don’t know them, you have no basis for any opinion.

It is amazing if your DC will happily stay with their GP for that length! Sounds fab...enjoy! Do what suits guys as a family!
We got away for 24 hours recently and it did us the world of good!

I read the research and the studies of thousands of babies and children. Not just one.

You will see what you want to see in terms of your own children I guess.

Given this child is already in nursery, spending substantial time away from her parents as it is, I am not sure why anyone would choose to compound the issue by leaving such a small child for 9 nights as well. At what point will the child’s needs be prioritised?

I went away with (then) DH quite a few times when mine were little. Including my 10 day honeymoon, 20 odd years ago
There were a lot of 40th birthday holidays and hen/stag dos for which I left my two with my parents for 3/4 nights. My parents did lots of fun stuff with them and met up with my friends so that my kids could see their friends (my friends' children).
I also had my friend's daughter for a week when she and her husband went on honeymoon. All children are now well adjusted, successful adults and don't remember being left! Very close to their grandparents who, like yours, provided childcare 2 days a week whilst I worked.
I obv took them on holiday too.
My sister's grandaughter (4) recently went on a weeks holiday with her other grandparents and had a great time.
Go and have a great holiday.

PS My friends' daughter was two when I had her for a week. She's now 25 with one of her own. No smart phones then but she listened to mum and dad on the phone every day. She was more interested in toys and going to all the play groups that I took her to with my daughter who is the same age - two months apart.

Oh give over. Farmed out? To grandparents for a short time? I think if they were distressed once my Mum would have told me. They weren’t ever left crying once.

It’s not a red flag if children are happy to stay with grandparents. You really are a nasty piece of work.

And a nice bit of judging of working parents who use nurseries.

No, I am speaking from professional experience. You may not like it, or agree but that doesn’t make either of us ‘nasty’. Read the research yourself.

If you are already spending all week away from your baby/ toddler why on earth would you ever choose to holiday without them as well?!

This is insanity. Poor parenting and prioritising literally everything else in life but the child/baby.

I don’t need need to read the research. I didn’t do full time nursery but doubt there’s any impact on those that do. And I don’t judge those that do so shame on you.

If you could link to the research that says staying with a loving grandparent for a short amount of time damages children I’d love to see that….

The research you are referring to is now very outdated and has since been overhauled by more comprehensive, updated research. It seems you are dredging up things to fit your narrative rather than looking at the full overview – never a good idea.

My children don’t go to nursery, FYI, so I don’t care. But I do care about poor comprehension of research and the attempt to make parents feel bad.

Of course it's selfish - it's something you're doing because you want to, not because it's in your child's best interest.

The question is more is it justified - it's fine to be selfish sometimes and put yourself first.

My kids spend plenty of time away from me in childcare and I would have happily left them for a weekend at 2.5 if anyone had offered to have them. I don't think I qualify as a martyr who won't leave her children but 9 days when it sounds like you haven't even done one overnight before as a practice run is not justifiable.

We babysat DH's 2.5 year old nephew overnight recently - a securely attached child who normally sleeps through the night and is comfortable with us. He woke up at midnight and was inconsolable till 3am. You don't know till you try it how it will go. I would never have signed up to 9 nights of it and I wouldn't dream of being so selfish as to risk it with my own children

@FormationLap, you haven't been back in a while to respond to any of the comments. I know you've had a bit of a hard time from some of the responses but wondered if you'd offer an update? I'm curious if any of the plans for the trip has changed (a shorter holiday maybe?) or if you're going to plan in some trial run weekends leading up to the trip to see how DC and DM cope?

Does this not imply the OP had already been away for 4 nights a few times with work and the child had stayed with grandparents then? I might be wrong though.

Oh maybe and this would make a difference, I agree.

I just assumed the father of the toddler would look after them when the OP was away but I guess some dads are useless

Or the child is happier with their grandparents. Mine definitely would have been.

Yes. Especially if the father gets home late from work. Less disruptive to stay with the grandparents who are already caring for the child that day.

It’s clear that the child spends lots of time with grandparents (this is a good thing) and therefore parents being away will have less of an impact due to this close bond.

Quick call social services!

But the grandparents only do two days so yes I could see why the toddler might stay over the night in between but all four days? Sorry that's a poor father if the child would be happier with grandparents

Still getting off on your trolling I see.

We went away for 7 days for a wedding in the states when our DC had just turned 3. Grandparents very happy to have him and he couldn’t have cared less! Depends on the child and the childcare but 9 days would have been fine for us. To be honest after all the spoiling he had with grandma he wasn’t impressed when we picked him up!

We’re speculating really. Maybe the DH travels with work lots too. Hard to know individual circumstances.

that's a poor father if the child would be happier with grandparents

No, it’s excellent grandparents.

Here we are, if you prefer a much more up to date version- by SAGE confirming previous results.

It’s not about making parents ‘feel bad’ it’s about what’s best for the baby/child. Informed decisions.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0141076820903494