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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go on holiday without toddler?

276 replies

FormationLap · 28/10/2023 18:16

Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

OP posts:
arintingly · 28/10/2023 18:38

I wouldn't have said this to you if you were my friend unless you actually asked for my opinion but, yes, it's clearly selfish both in that I think a 2.5 year old would be unhappy and in that I think it's too much to ask of grandparents. I mean it's not altruistic is it?

A long weekend would be different but 9 days is a lot.

Olindia · 28/10/2023 18:39

I don’t think you are selfish for leaving a child who you know will be looked after well. No wonder people go on about how hard parenthood is when there is pressure to never be without them. I haven’t been away in a block from my child but I go away a lot for a couple of nights as I compete my horse, he usually goes to his grandparents where he has a lovely time.

Original poster
FormationLap · 28/10/2023 18:39

Animallover87 · 28/10/2023 18:37

So many mummy martyrs on this thread, OP. Your little one will be fine, enjoy your trip! Where are you off to?

I was prepared for it tbh.

We're going to Miami - tying it in with the F1 race.

It's a one off, but what I will add, my dad won a couple of holidays for work back in the day and we went to stay with grandparents - we had a ball! Don't harm us. My parents called daily and we were fine.

OP posts:
BitofaStramash · 28/10/2023 18:42

As you can see from this thread not everyone makes the same decisions and some can't understand that different people make different choices. Some people get quite hysterical and rude about other people's choices. Your friend sounds like one of these idiots.

Personally I left mine with grandparents for up to / weeks from the age of 2.

GPS loved it
Kids loved it
We loved it.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you and your family are happy.

SparkyBlue · 28/10/2023 18:43

Daleksatemyshed · 28/10/2023 18:36

I find it very hard to believe you CF by choice friend would tell you off for going away without your DC. If they're really CF they would consider this quite normal

Why would they consider it normal? We stayed CF for almost the first ten years of our marriage as we didn't have good family childcare support and wanted to enjoy ourselves. Now that I have DC I don't want to go away without them (not that I'd have anyone to take them lol) but we stayed CF for such a long time as we knew what having DC would mean for us as a couple. Being CF doesn't mean you dislike children.
OP your DD will be absolutely fine. Personally I think it's way too long but each to their own.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/10/2023 18:43

Animallover87 · 28/10/2023 18:37

So many mummy martyrs on this thread, OP. Your little one will be fine, enjoy your trip! Where are you off to?

I’m not being a martyr. I don’t feel I am missing out by not going on long holidays without my children. DH and I go on the occasional weekend away but if we’re going for a week or more, I want my children with me.

MaryShelley1818 · 28/10/2023 18:43

I'd go away without my DC, and have done in the past but 9 nights is an excessively long time for both parents to leave a child of that age and I would imagine they'll likely end up very distressed. I've been away 3-4nts, and both me and DH left for 2nts when we got married. Our children would be heartbroken to not see us for that length of time.

As for the stupid "mummy martyr" comments, Grow up. It's natural for parents to prioritise their children, especially at 2yrs old. That's not a negative thing. There's a happy medium to be had between never leaving their side until they leave home and skipping off for over a week when they're not much more than a baby.

Lifeinlists · 28/10/2023 18:45

A 2 year old will not understand that you're coming back so it's a risk to leave her for 9 days which, at that age, is a long time.

Yes, she'll survive and be ok but she may be unsettled and clingy for a while when you get back. Does she stay overnight regularly with your parents because there's a big difference between being looked after for the day and staying for 9 straight days and nights.

Timetravlerswife · 28/10/2023 18:48

I did a 2 week honeymoon when DC was 2.5 he was fine by day 10 I was ready to be home with him. Go and enjoy.

AfterWeights · 28/10/2023 18:48

This one always divides people.

I wouldn't have enjoyed 9 days away from my kids at that age. I'd maybe have done a couple of nights. The kids would have absolutely hated me being away longer. I had to be away from eldest a few days while younger one was in hospital and it really impacted him, he mentioned it again months later despite having been at home with his dad the whole time.

girlyjim · 28/10/2023 18:50

I would do this. In fact, we want to go to the Japanese Grand Prix and we'll probably take him with us but I kinda wish we weren't🤣they'll be fine, loving life with their grandparents. Your friend is ridiculous.

Have a great time! (I'm not remotely jealous...🤣😏)

bryceQ · 28/10/2023 18:53

I go away for the weekend a couple times a year for work, my son is 4 I couldn't do 9 nights that's too long for me but each to their own

Sapphire387 · 28/10/2023 18:53

I think it's fine, so long as DC is accustomed to staying with GPs.

I probably wouldn't choose it but that doesn't make it 'wrong'.

Someone has made the point that people travel for work - they do. And someone else said that is different. But it isn't really - the impact is the same, a 2yo doesn't care why you are away, they just know you are.

Have a lovely trip x

jc12689 · 28/10/2023 18:53

BitofaStramash · 28/10/2023 18:42

As you can see from this thread not everyone makes the same decisions and some can't understand that different people make different choices. Some people get quite hysterical and rude about other people's choices. Your friend sounds like one of these idiots.

Personally I left mine with grandparents for up to / weeks from the age of 2.

GPS loved it
Kids loved it
We loved it.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if you and your family are happy.

Things is if you start a thread asking if you're being unreasonable for going on holiday without your young child then your are, by definition inviting people's opinions.

There no need for rudeness but you will get a range of opinions.

ActDottie · 28/10/2023 18:54

At that age I wouldn’t. 9 nights is a lot. I think I was 11/12 when my parents first went away without me and that was for 3 nights. But I suppose it’s up to you and personal preference.

s14a · 28/10/2023 18:55

I'd go for it if they're used to you being away.

When I had DD I was at uni and parents covered childcare after nursery if i was on shifts. That meant if they went away, she went too.

They booked a holiday for after I qualified for 2 weeks to Lanzarote which I was very concerned about because it was the longest she had ever been gone but she had the greatest time and only asked for me twice! She was 3 (nearly 4)

CheapHouse · 28/10/2023 18:56

It's non of your friends business.

9 days seems unusually long though. I could do 5 max.

henrysugar12 · 28/10/2023 18:56

It would be selfish to take the child with you and put them in the kids club. Leaving them with loving grandparents who will probably spoil them rotten... not selfish.

rwalker · 28/10/2023 18:57

go some people would some wouldn’t as long as you all happy off you go
what other people would do is irrelevant

maddiemookins16mum · 28/10/2023 18:57

We did it several times when DD was little. In fact we used to long weekends away each year without her until she was about 7 (then she came along). The longest was a week.

She was fine with her Granny who arranged lots of ad hoc treats.

Keeping your relationship healthy with your partner benefits the child in the long run.

Jessforless · 28/10/2023 18:58

I always think this is a bit weird. My kids are my favourite people to be around and I want to show them the world, not see it without them. So, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Also 9 days is a long time without your child and also to expect someone else to look after them, no matter who you are.

I looked after a very easy 10 year old for a week and I was just desperate for them to go so we could have some space in the end. Even grandparents need a break even if they say they don’t. Couldn’t you go shorter?

SoSad44 · 28/10/2023 18:58

Both DH and I go away for work for 3-5 nights a time (but never together), and toddler is left with the other parent in their home. No way would we choose to be without him for 9 nights. It would break my heart.
i mean you do you but seems cruel to leave such a young child so long when they don’t understand what’s going on. My toddler gets very upset by video calls btw.

SpringingJoy · 28/10/2023 18:58

9 days is a long, long time to a 2 year old.

To put it into context - if you were looking at the same ratio of age to time away it would be like leaving a 35 year old for four months.

How would you feel if your spouse casually mentioned they were off on holiday without you for four months op? Sounds like a bloody long time to fuck off and leave you doesn't it? That's what your 9 days will feel like to your 2 year old.

Personally I think it's awful and I feel sorry for the toddlers whose parents do this. But people will tell themselves anything to get what they want and scoffing at 'mummy martyrs' obviously helps some alleviate the guilt so 🤷‍♀️

Wolfinthehouse · 28/10/2023 18:59

I think going on a 9 day holiday when your child is not able to understand that you are actually going to come back is cruel.
I couldn't leave my toddler for that long, I wouldn't really want to leave my older kids for that long either though.
But if you were my friend then I wouldn't say a word to your face unless you asked because it's rude to call you out on your parenting when your child is in a safe environment and cared for by familiar people.

Parker231 · 28/10/2023 19:01

Good for you - have an amazing time. DH and I regularly had holidays without our DC’s. No issues - they had a ball with whichever grandparents flew over to look after them. DC’s are now in their early 20’s - they haven’t been damaged.