AIBU to go on holiday without toddler?

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Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

But surely you would 'try' by going somewhere close for a short period. My nephew had an extremely close relationship with his grandparents but no they didn't cope and neither did he.

To be honest it’s those that never leave their children with anyone who end up with whingy, clingy kids.

Not necessarily, @Delatron . My DD is now 18 and at university a 3.5 plane ride away. I haven’t seen her for weeks, she’s having a great time!
She’s always been a confident person, outgoing and secure in herself. She did go to nursery, have babysitters and we travelled for work (individually), but being around a lot doesn’t create a clingy child, imo, it makes them secure.

Sure, I can believe it happens.

However, there also those of us who were totally fine. I imagine there will also be those who were fine despite their parents believing they would struggle.

Just because one random child wasn’t fine doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t go away. Are we including her DH in this disapproval? Or is it just the mother that must be tethered to the toddler at all times?

Yes, of course. But my point is that no one can say a DC will cope because they are close to their grandparents or they go to nursery as some have commented on here. Surely you start with a short time, close by and if the DC doesn't cope you can get back to them. 9 days, far away and they don't cope, you've got a problem.

Also if she doesn’t go she’ll never know will she? Seems something worth figuring out. Because if like many children, her child is fine then she can have some lovely breaks away in the future without worrying.

People can make a reasoned judgement based on knowing their own child. They’re more likely to be correct than a complete stranger making a guess online.

OP is leaving her child with the grandparents, who presumably she trusts to be more than capable of providing any support needed if said child struggles.

The point is why would you risk it? Build it up slowly in terms of time and distance.

How can you state so confidently that this random DC will be fine?

I would assume the mother isn't tethered to the child if they go to nursery?? And why wouldn't you include the DH? Are men not parents too? What an odd comment!

Oh I could not do it . We have 5 kids, all teens now . Never left them at all except once when we took the bigger 3 to Alton Towers for 2 nights ( we live in Dublin ) and left our then 2 year old with my mum .
She said he woke both nights hysterical saying 'Daddy loves me , mummy loves me' .....Aagh !!!! Still bloody upsets me now . No idea what was going on in his little head but we never left them again .
Actually nobody ever offered to take any of them .....😂!!

I couldn't and wouldn't have done it. But I look at extendedfamilies that have that warm and natural regular care for each other, and envy it. I'm sure that if my lovely in-laws had lived closer by instead of two hours away, my little ones would have loved being looked after by them and staying with them.

You know your family environment, we don't. If you know they'll be happy and well looked after, it doesn't really matter what your friend (or anyone else) thinks.

Yes, they can. And they are more likely to be correct. Unlike those who are confidently stating the OPs child will be fine when they don't even know this child!

My cousin thought her DC would be fine. He was left with his grandparents who she trusted to be more than capable. But her DS didn't cope and neither did the grandparents. But it was too late by this point as they were abroad for a week.

All I'm saying is build it up rather than going from 0-9 days away in a different continent.

That’s entirely up to OP 🤷🏻‍♀️ I personally don’t see the issue with what she’s doing. You do of course, but it’s not like we actually need to agree, any more than either of us needs to approve.

As I said, she clearly trusts the grandparents to support her child while she and her husband are away. A child struggling with something doesn’t automatically mean it’s something unreasonable for their parent to do, especially if the child is safe and being supported by their loving family members.

Because all the disapproval is directed at the OP. Both parents have decided to go away. But it’s the mummy martyrs that focus on other mothers and tend to leave the fathers out of it..comments such as ‘oh I couldn’t possibly go on holiday without my child’ and ‘I love spending all my time with my toddler’ Not something we hear men say!

Yes OP’s child goes to nursery 3 days a week and grandparents twice a week so for the most part her routine will stay the same.

Of course it is. But she posted on here looking for opinions.

And again I'm just pointing out the grandparents may not be able to cope. You cannot assert that they will be able to when you don't know!

The OP is the one asking if she's being unreasonable so obviously comments are directed at her!

How do you know none of the posters are men? You just assume! Just because someone is a man they couldn't possibly have an opinion on leaving a DC? I don't know what kind of fathers you spend time with!

And yes, as I said that was the same for my cousin's DC. It doesn't mean they'll be ok. We don't know if OPs DC will really struggle or be completely fine.

I would love to have grandparents we could leave the kids with and I certainly don't think you are weird to want a holiday without her.

But I would not do 9 days as the first trip. I would start with a weekend and see how it went.

We are about to leave ours (7 and 3) for 2 nights with a babysitter and I am anxious as F.

Yes, who cares what impact it might have on the child?

I am CF but I still live on Earth and no, do not find it at all normal to leave a toddler for nine days. I have never heard of any parents doing this.

I wouldn’t say anything if a friend told me this, but I would be quite shocked to be honest.

The child will be with their grandparents! Who they know very well. People on here are acting like the toddler is being sent away to an orphanage or something.

I have never heard of any parents doing this.

I’m 70 and mine apparently left me with my gran for a week when I was 18 months old - obviously I have no memory of this. I do remember subsequent occasions when I was loved, cosseted and spoiled while they were away. I can’t remember even missing them.

@Figmentof just to clarify, I'm CF and generally speaking I don't comment on my friends parenting, so whether I agreed or not I wouldn't say so. There's been quite a few threads just lately that seem more designed to goad posters than asking for advice, and this is one, hence by flippant reply. If it's real then my apologies to the Op

Yes agreed it is selfish. Your poor child will be confused and 9 days is an eternity for them at that age. You both sound terrible.

9 days seems a long time to go away on a whim holiday. If it was for an important work trip, or dealing with a family emergency abroad, I can understand.

Personally, I think one of the deals you accept when choosing to become a parent, is that leisurely kid-free holidays are a thing of the past.

I mean... I think you know that in your heart, otherwise why would you even be asking the question here?

But yes, your friend was a bit rude to say it to your face, but surely you can kind of see her point?

It all depends how they parent In the first place
if your one of those parents who have the child welded to there side 24/7 won’t leave them with anyone eat sleep and breathe there child then yes the child would confused and it would be difficult for them Because all there used to is you and you controlling everything

But if your a balanced parent who has a life as well as being mum or dad and your child us used to the routine of staying with other capable people then the child will just take it In it’s stride

an important point is many relationships fail when kids come along and people don’t put the effort in to maintain a relationship as well as being parents

9 days seems a long time to go away on a whim holiday. If it was for an important work trip, or dealing with a family emergency abroad, I can understand.

The result is exactly the same, regardless of the reason. That illustrates perfectly just how moralising and judgmental most of these responses are.