AIBU to go on holiday without toddler?

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Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

"The evidence is not conclusive proof that all children under three in nurseries for long periods are always harmed, as the level of proof is mainly associations and not based on randomised controlled trails. Most children in nurseries are not affected but as many as 40% may be."

You come on here to spout judgement on working parents on a thread not even about nurseries for this? OK.

You left out the conclusion notably.
The issue isn’t just the 9 day holiday leaving the poor toddler behind, it is additionally how often the child is left and without parents. Surely most parents that love their dc would choose to spend precious annual leave with their child?! It’s not such a weird concept to actually wish to spend as much time as possible with such a young child.

Op has her whole life to holiday with dh when dd is older. You can’t recapture this time - the early years back, and dc grow up so quickly. To fritter away what should be cherished years is abominable to me.

Good god it’s 9 days, plenty of other time to spend with the ‘poor’ child..
The fact that the ‘poor’ child happily goes to nursery and is looked after by grandparents regularly means this trip is more likely to be fine. Child is not surgically attached to the mother’s hip and does not scream the minute the mother is out of sight. Like some children.

This thread isn’t a debate about nurseries so stop making it about that. Feel free to start your own thread with your ‘research’ I reckon that will go down really well on here..

To fritter away what should be cherished years is abominable to me.

Nine days, not years.

I say this kindly, you seem to have some unresolved issues in this area. You can’t change your past decisions, but you can talk it through with a counsellor. Maybe you regret leaving your child as often as you did - I don’t know.

Most people on this thread disagree with you. Nine days IS too long. I can’t believe any loving parent would even consider it, but checked out parenting is a thing. Clearly.

I wonder what other family necessities you would state as fact to cause harm based on inconclusive research.

• Divorce
• Fleeing of domestic violence
• Having a sibling with a disability
• Ongoing hospital treatment
• Being a twin
• Changing school

The above have all been found to raise cortisol levels in children too, which is what nursery research hinges on. Which one of these would you choose to come on an unrelated thread and judge parents on?

I don’t have any unresolved issues. You don’t half talk absolute rubbish. If anything I spent too much time with my children. I was in-between jobs and retraining when they were young. Would have loved them to have gone to nursery more!

Stop trying to project on to others your views on the need to spend 24/7 with young children. A healthy relationship with grandparents is a good thing. Having options when parents need to be away even for the odd night is a good thing. Makes life a lot easier. I’m sorry you didn’t have this.

@Lastchancechica My children aren’t in nursery and I’ve never spent more than one night away from them. Do I have unresolved issues for disagreeing with you too?

I did have this, I was lucky to have a lot of support but I wouldn’t dream of leaving my toddlers for 9 nights. We are not talking about the odd night.

Look this thread is dead now. We will have to agree to disagree. I think 9 nights is too long, you think it’s fine. Neither of us will know the outcome either way for the child in the centre of this discussion.
The parents could be bloody awful for all we know, and the child is delighted to be free of them. Who knows 🤷🏼‍♀️

But we know the outcome for the mother here, don’t we? That you’ve likely made her feel judged and ridiculed. Not least with your parting words to ‘agree to disagree’ that maybe her and her husband are ‘bloody awful and the child is delighted to be free on them’.

Exactly. And probably upset/annoy a lot of people who use nurseries. Which this thread was not about.

You don’t come on MN for positive affirmations! You come here to listen to different views, to hear other perspectives. That is sometimes going to include judgement and views you don’t share. So what? If op wants to go on holiday without her baby, she will, despite the vast majority of people on here vehemently disagreeing with her.

I think it is shit parenting, yes, but that’s my view - not a world view. We are here to offer each of our own views.

I love the bones of my children - yes we are extremely close and super supportive of each other now. I feel we end up with the relationships we foster when the dc are small.
The results of secure attachment lasts for an entire lifetime - why wouldn’t a parent care very much about that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yet when someone has ‘another perspective’ to you, they have ‘unresolved issues’.

Your children can have a secure attachment to you and a close relationship without spending every hour of every day with them. It’s not either or.

What about parents that travel often for work? Or does that not affect the ‘secure attachment’ because it’s work and not a holiday?

Well, yes, you can share your experience that your DC were fine but you can't categorically state that the OPs DC will be fine. She might not be.

No one is talking about spending every minute with them why are you so black and white.
If you have a full time job and choose to also spend your limited annual leave away from you baby I believe that is shit checked out parenting, yes absolutely.

Parents that travel a lot for work are likely to have a diminished relationship with their child if it’s persistent. It’s not rocket science.

You seem to want people to say you can go away for as long as you like, invest very little into your child and everything will be fine.
I fundamentally disagree, relationships are always impacted by a lack of investment, time and connection.

How old are your DC’s?

Mine are now in their early 20’s so I have the benefit of seeing how they have grown up. I have worked away regularly throughout their lives. It’s not diminished our relationship at all. DH and I have invested in their lives from ensuring we chose the best nursery and school, encouraged them with music and sports activities, spent evenings, weekends and holidays together.

We still all contact each other daily even though we all now live in different countries. I’m in London for a work trip this week and both of the DT’s have some over to visit with me as we enjoy each other’s company .

My DH travels quite a bit with work. His relationship is not ‘diminished’ with his children. They used to prefer him when they were little as they’d spent all day with me. You’re the one who is seeing it in black and white.

Going away for just over a week and leaving their child with grandparents will have zero impact on their relationship with their child short term or long term. You seem to be now criticising people that work full time and claiming they have a ‘diminished’ relationship with their children too..

They are also not choosing to ‘spend their limited annual leave away from their child’. They will have plenty more annual leave to use with the child.

No way would I leave a toddler for that long, nor do I know anyone else who would have done it either.

It’s not being a mummy martyr as I would ha d really missed them! So I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. But also I would be worried that at that age they wouldn’t have understood and feel abandoned, which would be miserable for them
and their GPs but also damaging in the longer term.

@Delatron out of curiosity is there any time limit for you on time away from children? If 9 days is ok, is 3 weeks? A month? 2 months? A year? At what point does it become too much for you?

I really despise this line of "you must want your children glued to your hip if you think 9 days is too much" because surely everyone has a length of time that they think is too much, it's just about where that line is. Most posters have said that a weekend/long weekend would be a better place to start

Oh I'd miss her. I'd miss my ten year old for that length of time!

It’a personal and depends on the child and the parent. I mean people go away for weeks with work.

I accept it’s too much for some people purely because they wouldn’t like to be away from their toddler for that long. That’s individual. But I refuse to accept it’s selfish and harmful to leave a child with loving grandparents whilst the parents have a break. I think we did a week for our honeymoon. Depends on parents and grandparents and what they are willing to cover.

I know I went to my grans for a couple of weeks over the summer for most my childhood -Ioved it. I’m very close to my parents and have a wonderful relationship with them so I don’t see this ‘diminished relationship’ narrative.

I don’t like the insinuation that if you want a break away with your husband you are selfish and a bad parent.

Some children can’t be left. My brother can’t even go out for the night as his kids are so clingy. They would cry for hours. No way would he get a trip away. All children are different.

The OP has also already said that she’s been away for 4 days with work and they stayed with grandparents so no need to test run a long weekend.