AIBU to go on holiday without toddler?

[FormationLap]

Speaking to a childless (by choice) friend today and mentioned DH has booked a trip for us. It was a pretty decent deal so went for it. My DD would be staying with grandparents who look after her a couple of days a week whilst we're at work (their choice).

DD is 2.5 and would still be sticking to usual routine so going to nursery the other days etc as parents live in same town.

Friend says I'm incredibly selfish to be going away without child (child will be going abroad in late summer with us so not a case of missing out). For context, friend goes on holiday loads so not a case of jealously, has been to this destination several times.

We would be away 9 nights in total inc travel.

My DH and mum say to ignore her and that it's nobodies business, but I just want to know if we are BU?

My mum actually left me with my aunt, uncle and cousins when I was 4, at the time we lived in the same house so I was in my own home, she went for a week.

I found it incredibly hard. I mean the fact I still remember and I'm 32 now kind of says it all.

I don't understand these people saying this is perfectly acceptable, it's just not IMO your child should always come first and a holiday away is just frivolous. Why would you even want to be apart that long.

It’s absolutely fine. Not something Dh and I ever personally did because we have no childcare but each other. But we do go away individually loads. I went to Australia for 2 weeks when my eldest was 16 months and that was totally fine.

I'm no mummy martyr but 9 days and a toddler. Surely a wind up?

At that age I'd say 4-5 days max.

You could do 9 days when dc are older.

I'm generally desperate to get away from the dc but I wouldn't do that to a toddler and wouldn't want to be away for so long.

Also I think you are very lucky to have a friend that will be so honest with you. Most people wouldn't dare say anything to your face.

Good for you! I don’t think our DC’s grandparents would cope if we went away for 9 days never mind us. I’d probably only manage 4 days myself but I don’t think you are a bad parent for needing a break for a week or so.

Now inspired to book a weekend away with my DH for first time in 4 years!!!

We’re not talking about weeks at a time - just nine days. My DC’s are now in their early 20’s. They know that their DF and I had holidays without them - and had some pretty amazing ones with them. They also know I had to travel for work.

Our families didn’t live in the same country but grandparents have a great relationship with their grandchildren and were more than delighted to fly over to look after them - DC’s were at nursery/school during the day so normal routine there.
DC’s didn’t suffer and DH and I didn’t feel guilty for prioritising us for a few days.

@Lastchancechica is right

I definitely have an anxious-attachment, my mum is a wonderful person and we are very close but she left me to go on holiday a few times (she was a single mother and it must have been really hard for her so I'm not bashing her), she also put me in my own room virtually immediately after birth, sleep trained me and went back to work when I was 6 weeks.

I strongly feel that this has attributed to my attachment style.

It's nuts, frankly.

I left 3DC for 6 days, aged 1, 5, and 7, with DH AND GRANDPARENTS, not just grandparents. When I got home, DH had not slept. Past day 3 our youngest just couldn't settle at all.

It took at least a month, if not two, to get back to normal once I had come home. Kids were unbelievably clingy and insecure.

Re the idea of 'sacrificial mummies', come on... are you serious?! You make yourself feel better about going on holiday by saying other women are OTT?! You asked us.... so we answered honestly. It only shows your own insecurity about what you are doing by being annoyed, and dismissive, about our response. Otherwise you wouldn't have asked if you were so certain that what you are doing is correct.

Sounds like an amazing trip so very jealous!

I’ve not left my little one for that amount of time but I know she’d have great fun with my parents. They would probably need a break after though!!

If family are happy to look after her and you think she will be okay then go for it. You could always plan to do something special with her when you’re back.

I would have hated to be away from my DC for that length of time. If you were my friend I’d think we weren’t on the same wavelength at all, but big differences in parenting style would probably have been obvious by the time anyone’s child was 2.5.

If people go away for work they have less choice in the matter and even then I wouldn’t travel for that duration.

Don't get me wrong here, you absolutely should have time out. But both of you away for 9 days when your child is 2.5?!

I've left my son for a couple of nights at the most (he's four now) and that was when we were in hospital having his younger brother. Other than that, he's had the odd night away when he's asked to stay at DGP's house. I personally wouldn't want to leave my kids for a holiday, especially one for over a week.

However, that's a personal choice and wouldn't expect everyone to feel/do the same. If you're happy with the arrangement and think your DC will cope, go and enjoy your holiday.

Personally I could never have done this. A couple of nights, yes, but not 9 at that age when they won't understand when you'll return. Even with relatives they know well. That's a huge change in their routine.

My parents sometimes left us for a night or two with our grandparents that we knew well (but didn't see weekly as they lived too far away). I used to sleep badly at theirs when my parents were away - their pipes gurgled, floor boards creaked etc and woke me. I was much older than 2 and had my siblings with me.

I agree with most PP; I think it's too long for a two year old. I have 4 children, 3 of whom I know would have been very unhappy at that age, if I went away from them. The one (my eldest) who I was absolutely convinced would be fine when she was looked after by GP for two days when I was giving birth to her brother, really struggled. She was confident, sociable and adored her GP, but she was unhappy by the second day.

I have a 2.5 year old and wouldn't be able to leave her that long. I had no choice but to leave her for 4 nights recently when I was in hospital and she was really affected by it

We often went away whilst grandparents baby sat. It's some of my children's favourite memories.

HUGE ask on your parents AND your child. Way too long!

Sounds fine to me. There’s always loads of the mummy martyrs shouting ‘why have kids if you go on holiday without them?’ The toddler must be surgically attached to you at all times.

‘Oh I couldn’t bear to be apart from my child for more than an hour’ blah blah. (Read I’m a better mother than you..)

I think we all know that a holiday with a toddler is not a holiday..

If your parents are happy to do this - and they clearly are, then it’s fine. If they look after your child for 2 days a week whilst you work then they are also one of the primary caregivers and spend a lot of time with your child anyway. It’s lovely to develop this relationship. It’s good for them to
get used to staying with grandparents. Rather than be clingy kids that can’t be left with anyone for any time.

Enjoy your holiday - sounds amazing.

Why? It’s none of the friend’s business or anyone else’s. Why is she lucky?

Seems cruel to me at that age. Couple of nights lovely. Longer is selfish.

And from a child’s point of view my holidays in the summer with my gran were some of my happiest memories.

Your friend is a self righteous bitch.

If you were chaining your poor wee bairn to a sick in the garden, things would be different but Granny will be spoiling the liitle mite rotten.

Men go off without their young all the time and no one turns a hair. Have fun. Relax and enjoy being an adult again. Lots of hugs and kisses whfn you return. Just don't dare forget the souvenirs lol

Personally I think it's very long but in saying that I do know people who holiday regularly without their kids, they have an adult holiday and then a family holiday.

In over 20+ years I've always just arranged family holidays, maybe I'm wrong but it's what feels right for me.

I do remember my parents going in holiday and we'd stay with relatives, I absolutely hated it, I use to sit in the bathroom and cry, I remember one aunt asking me if I was ok and I told her I had bad hay fever because I was embarrassed. But, my siblings always seemed to have a good time and even now they reminisce about the great holidays at our relatives.

I left my 1st 2 children for 3 days because we had a wedding to attend that was child free , my eldest still remembers and how awful his aunty was for making him eat peas 😂

Do what feels right for you and have a great time if you go

I wouldn't leave my kids for 9 days, a long weekend perhaps.

I don't think you're unreasonable, it's totally your choice. Tbh I think 9 nights would be too long for me though. My DD is nearly 2 and I wouldn't go away without her, I'm probably overly attached but i would just miss her too much. I guess it depends on her development and personality, if you think she'll cope ok without you then go for it. I don't think your friend should be digging you out for it either way.