My partner is abusive. I don't know how to get out

[Everythingwillbeokeventually44]

Met him in January, he seemed lovely. Prior to meeting him I'd left an abusive marriage. I was rock bottom and trying so hard to rebuild myself and my life.

Started dating this guy in June, he wanted more than I did, I tried to end it and he said he'd kill himself if I ended it. Stupidly I panicked and went to him.

Between now and then when I've stayed at his and he's turned nasty I've wanted to leave he's literally blocked my way. Another time he told me to get the fuck out, he was throwing my belongings down the stairs when I tried to get them and go he grabbed a knife and slit his wrist, he took my phone so I couldn't call for help and basically forced me to watch him bleed until he passed out.

He's slashed all 4 tyres on my car before and kicked off my wing mirrors. He's driven at me in his car whilst I've been in my car.

He's bit my face leaving scars. It was a deep vicious bite. He has kicked me off my feet jarring my back and fracturing my elbow.

He manipulates everything always making himself out to be the victim and he truly believes he is. I'm not allowed to defend myself in anyway or answer back when he's ranting at me.

He's threatened to harm my family and said he'd pay someone to leave me in a wheelchair eating through a straw.

I was absolutely broken when I met him, I'm beyond that now. I feel so suicidal. I just can't find a way out. I am genuinely terrified of the bloke and what he is capable of.

He has been drinking tonight (I don't drink) he's again gone off on one, he's the victim and he's now said he's going to the train station to end his life.

I have never felt so low in all my life. I met me ex at 19 there was an age gap, over the years he hit me and left me unable to look at myself in the mirror because of cruel remarks being called all the names under the sun, I literally hated the sight of myself. I honestly thought I'd met a good one and wanted to take it slow which we were and I managed to open up to him, he helped me with my insecurities, I genuinely thought he cared and loved me.

I'm to scared to go to the police because I have no proof and I genuinely think he'll kill me if I do. I'm scared for my life.

Due to withdrawing I started missing work, making mistakes so to top it off I've also lost my job.

I just can't take anymore. I am so weak I've got no fight left in me.

Good luck and well done for getting out.

@Everythingwillbeokeventually44 well done to you and good luck for today.

I absolutely understand your reluctance to go to the police but I still think he needs to be reported but it's up to you.

Is there anyone you have in common who could spill your address? If so, don't tell them.

Op you're an inspiration. Well done and good luck for today. I hope once you're at your new place you'll finally feel a sense of peace.

You've got this 💐

Please leave your property ASAP-he won't stop checking. Once safe, I feel it is essential you contact police, before he does. Tell them everything. They should understand you are at your most vulnerable now that you have left. You are safer sitting in the police station, while you wait for keys, than in your home. Bloody well done OP. You are very brave, and you have lots of people thinking of you, who care that you are safe.

Clever girl!

I hope everything goes well for you.

Good luck and make sure you get all the help you can

Hi op, I haven't read every page of replies but I have read yours. Apologies if I am retreading any advice you've already received.

Please screen shot any messages he sends you before he deletes them. I know you don't trust the police, and I understand your reason for this. But given how dangerous this man sounds, I honestly don't think you have any other option so you must now build evidence against him. I don't think this man will just quietly go away, and so you will need to use that evidence to get a restraining order. Ensure you provide all times you've asked him to leave you alone and go away etc.

If/ when you do report this to the police, explain that you believe you're in an extremely dangerous and vulnerable position and ask them about techsafe. This is a phone/ app that calls local officers when you're in immediate danger, rather than call for help via the control room. Many forces use this service for women in DV situations. I believe it will work in remote areas, too. This service has literally saved lives.

I don't mean to scare you any more than you are already, so hope this advice helps. If/ when you contact the police, ask them if they have any officers who are specially DV trained who you can talk to.

Good luck.

@Everythingwillbeokeventually44 please have a look at this Staffs DV support

The police have a duty of care to you. If your force does not respond effectively, contact the Commissioner and make a formal complaint. All their local policies state exactly what they should do to support you, if that doesn't happen there are other routes open to you.

Op, your amazing and about to start a new life. I'm happy for you. You are probably already thinking this, but if I were you (I once was) I would be reading a few books and doing some work on your self confidence/ how to be happy on your own and how to spot signs of 'complete arseholes' before thinking about letting another man in your life again.

I hope your new home is lovely and the safe space you need. I wouldn't tell anyone at all your new address. Write down your important numbers and get rid of the phone, maybe take the car to a garage to get it checked for a tracker.

I truly hope you stay away from this awful man and embrace your new life ahead of you xxx

Best of luck today, OP. Hiding your car was clearly a stroke of genius (and self-preservation!)

Hearing him turn up like that must have been terrifying but hopefully never again. If you do feel up to it then involving the police would be best, get support from wherever you can.

I hope your new place is lovely, you have nice neighbours & that this is the start of a new life!

Have a chat to women’s aid or with the Police, but you might find they advise you to send him one message to say you have left the relationship (if you haven’t done so already) and do not want any further contact with him whatsoever. This is because then his actions (like turning up 6 times in one day to look for you) can be legally interpreted as harassment or stalking rather than a concerned partner desperately looking for a missing person. You might well be advised to do this with your old phone number and then block him. If he calls the police and reports you missing and they contact you (eg for a welfare check) they will absolutely accept you want to leave him and want no contact and will report back to him that you are safe but want no contact with him. They will not tell him where you are.
If you have a job with an office/premises that you sometimes use, make sure they know about the situation in case he turns up.
Well done for leaving :) Get some help onside now while he’s still trying to find you.

I know you’re suspicious of the police because of what happened when he called them claiming you were abusing him, but they really do have ways of helping women in your situation. Once they know about it, for example, they can put a note in their system for your new address - basically making you a priority if they recognize a 999 call. They can even set up panic buttons and things if his behavior escalates further and they are worried for your safety. They have dedicated DV advisors now. Perhaps start with women’s aid and follow their advice about what to say to the Police and what help to ask them for specifically.

OP good luck today and good luck for the rest of your life without this monster. Now is a new start for you! Don't look back look forward sending lots of hugs.

So proud of you, OP!

it’s amazing how promptly you reacted and how you are now taking the control of your life again. I hope you stay safe and that it’s the beginning of a new life, far far away from abuse.

I suggest you change your phone and phone number, I know you have blocked him but unfortunately there is always a small chance he might track you through your device or call you through other numbers.

You have been brilliant, OP and I hope you will come back in a little while to tell us how well you are doing!

Hope all went smoothly with picking up your keys and driving to your new place. And that you're feeling relaxed and secure in your new home.

@Everythingwillbeokeventually44
Please let us know you are safe

Everyone is behind you here, do look after yourself OP.

You need to put yourself first and leave now. His constant threats to end his life of harm himself is nothing to do with you. That's on him. You are not responsible for him.
You must leave now. Please seek help . None of this is your fault. ❤️

Good luck today OP. I hope all goes smoothly.

Please contact the police and let them know the situation so they can put you as a priority if you call for help.

Hoping you are now in your new home and feeling much safer now. Also really important like others have said to contact the police, womens aid, and reach out to family/friends. I'm sorry you were let down in the past but if there's anyone you feel you can trust to confide in please don't do this alone. Look after yourself.

I'm also thinking of you op and hoping you are/feeling safe. Xx

I so hope you're ok OP xx

Thinking of you, op.

Thinking of you op. 💐💐💐