My partner is abusive. I don't know how to get out

[Everythingwillbeokeventually44]

Met him in January, he seemed lovely. Prior to meeting him I'd left an abusive marriage. I was rock bottom and trying so hard to rebuild myself and my life.

Started dating this guy in June, he wanted more than I did, I tried to end it and he said he'd kill himself if I ended it. Stupidly I panicked and went to him.

Between now and then when I've stayed at his and he's turned nasty I've wanted to leave he's literally blocked my way. Another time he told me to get the fuck out, he was throwing my belongings down the stairs when I tried to get them and go he grabbed a knife and slit his wrist, he took my phone so I couldn't call for help and basically forced me to watch him bleed until he passed out.

He's slashed all 4 tyres on my car before and kicked off my wing mirrors. He's driven at me in his car whilst I've been in my car.

He's bit my face leaving scars. It was a deep vicious bite. He has kicked me off my feet jarring my back and fracturing my elbow.

He manipulates everything always making himself out to be the victim and he truly believes he is. I'm not allowed to defend myself in anyway or answer back when he's ranting at me.

He's threatened to harm my family and said he'd pay someone to leave me in a wheelchair eating through a straw.

I was absolutely broken when I met him, I'm beyond that now. I feel so suicidal. I just can't find a way out. I am genuinely terrified of the bloke and what he is capable of.

He has been drinking tonight (I don't drink) he's again gone off on one, he's the victim and he's now said he's going to the train station to end his life.

I have never felt so low in all my life. I met me ex at 19 there was an age gap, over the years he hit me and left me unable to look at myself in the mirror because of cruel remarks being called all the names under the sun, I literally hated the sight of myself. I honestly thought I'd met a good one and wanted to take it slow which we were and I managed to open up to him, he helped me with my insecurities, I genuinely thought he cared and loved me.

I'm to scared to go to the police because I have no proof and I genuinely think he'll kill me if I do. I'm scared for my life.

Due to withdrawing I started missing work, making mistakes so to top it off I've also lost my job.

I just can't take anymore. I am so weak I've got no fight left in me.

Your family know. They know you are lying. They just want to stop worrying about you.

I also had messages sent to my phone/email for a friend as proof.

Photos of injuries.

You can do this.

I am so weak I've got no fight left in me.

Op - this isn't true. You DO have fight left in you, else you wouldn't be here. You need reassurance & to be heard. Everyone here hears you.

This is a 'get out right now' situation, there's no long-game, it's now & you absolutely can do that! You can! Don't worry about proof, about evidence right now, don't worry about if a refuge or the police will believe you (they will! In fact they probably already know him).

Get out. Get safe. Breathe.

You can do this, you really really can.

please get out now, call the police and go to friends or family. You have nothing to be ashamed of Op, you have done nothing wrong.

Have you got family? Please confide in them, have been in this situation myself. They will not want to see you hurt, you need the intervention. Police are well versed in this and these problems that men like this have. Please leave and go to a police station if family not close. Please.

Your parents will protect you and thank God your tenency is up soon. I cannot imagine not protecting my daughter,the rage would come out. My ex used to say we would rip anyone's throat out if they came between us, but he ran like a baby when confronted by my angry mother. It is all for show. Do not let this put you off leaving.
But please leave.

They wont care that you've lied. They are your parents and will protect you

Agreed. You need to think of yourself OP.

There’s a beautiful peaceful safe life waiting for you OP, let it in, take the first step towards it, I know you feel so many emotions right now and you’re running on empty but imagine this being the last day you have to feel this way, everything you’ve been shown in abusive relationships is a twisted lie, the truth is what you deserve and it’s there for you if you go towards it, don’t be a prisoner of this vile man for one more day please xxxxxxx

OP, I'm sorry but because I'm so worried about you, I was actually ANGRY with you that you didn't take the opportunity to leave while he was out last night.

However, I do understand how frightened you must be, and that in itself can make us freeze rather than taking the action we need to take, think women who are attacked and raped, and then people say, didn't you try and fight him off, didn't you scream, and their replay is 'I froze'. This is you! In a rape situation to freeze could save your life, but in your situation, inaction could result in him KILLING YOU!!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, the minute he goes out, and you know that he'll be gone for a while, pack the least possible things you can get away with, even if he's in the house now, maybe you could find the old phone and put it in your bag. Make sure you know exactly were the most important items to grab are, and then the minute he goes out of the door, shove them all in a bag, any bag will do, but do it QUICKLY, in case he comes back.

Once you're in your car, lock the doors, and drive away. Keep driving, in the opposite direction to where he knows you have friends and family, and once you've gone maybe 30, or even 50 miles, find a police station, go in, and ask for help. Tell them that you've driven so far, because you are terrified that he will find you. They WILL help you! Then, in due course, if it's necessary you can go back to friends or family, but ideally, look for a new job and a new home in an area where you've never been together, and where as far as you know, he never goes.

Also, when reporting to the police, tell them about what you were told by the man in his old area, about you wouldn't have gone with him if you were local, as he probably has a record in that area, if he's that well known for violence, etc.

Please also, keep coming back to let us know your progress, as we're all worried and rooting for you.

Sending you COURAGE & SUPPORT.

You do know how to get out . You’re just so emotionally damaged and abused you have forgotten who you were before you met this person.

in terms of proof - texts , emails, photos, secret recordings all counts.

you haven’t known this person long yet look at the destruction he is causing you. The only way through this is OUT of this.

you must go to the police and explain everything. They will help you. They can move you to a woman’s refuge for safety.

the only person who can stop this is you and I say from experience the only way it ends is when you take the responsibility for allowing yourself to stay connected to someone like this .

I get your scared. But rather be scared and get out than dead

Just praying for you OP.

Yes you need to call the police but you might want to call the Refuge helpline first and they will listen and help you with whatever you want to do.

You could ask for a refuge place if you think that would be safest?

You also need to police to protect your parents' place by the sound of it.

And look at digital stalking advice (eg on women's aid website) to ensure he doesn't track you that way.

Get out right now, while he can't block the door
Go to any boots and " Ask for Ani"
They will show you to a private room where you can phone the police and woman's aid
If he does come back, you can say you need period products
He is very dangerous as you know
When you have involved the police they can put a red flag priority on your home( I've done this)
Hopefully you will be able to get a non molestation order against him quickly but reporting is the key
Keep yourself safe at all costs even if you sleep in your car

If you do not leave, he will kill you.
Do everything in your power to get away from this. You are sincerely worth so much more. Thinking of you x

@Everythingwillbeokeventually44 .Am so glad youve come back on.
You said it-hes a ticking time bomb.Harsh as this is to hear- You have no real choice left, you either be a statistic as- ANOTHER corspse/dv OR a survivor.
NOW.
right now.
while you still can,get in your car and drive the fuck away in any direction you like.You do not have to use your local police force. You can literally call them/womans aid from anywhere and be given the exact same help.
HE doesnt care . not just about the police,he just doesnt care,. I almost got myself going down the exserviceman rabbithole.
HE ISNT IMPORTANT ,fuck him.
do YOU.
You dont have any time to fannyarse about. Im sorry but the responses you are get on here ALL echo how utterly vital it is you get OUT now.
I know it feels so massive. It is. You are taking back your life.
You dont have to have a destination- other than a safe space. even if its a supermarket car park. Call womans aid. ASAP. they will recognise your urgency. Police may be a bit faffier so call wa first. NOW.

OP you need to get out now. Get in your car and just go or get to the nearest police station so they can put something in place for you. Show them every bit of evidence you have. At the moment anywhere is safer than where you are, even in your car in a carpark...anywhere! Do you have anyone at all you can call on? Friend, work friend anyone? You seriously need to get out. This man is capable of absolutly anything! He's using his power to control you. He's hurting himself to control you, to make you stay with him. He's making you feel powerless on purpose, this is what people like this do. Please please get out now for your own sake. I understand your scared but its an even scarier thought of you being there with this awful monster. If he kills himself that is not on you, that's on him! You didn't force him and you didn't put that thought in his head. My thinking is he wouldn't kill himself and its all an act to control you. Once your out you can rebuild your life and focus on yourself.

I've just seen your from Staffordshire. I'm also from the area and just found a womens aid in Stafford that can house you in dangerous situations.
The 24 hour helpline is 0300 330 5959. If you cannot ring them the email address is [email protected]
If your near the Stafford area the address is st16 3aq

@Everythingwillbeokeventually44
I escaped a ex army psycho and for such a long time felt helpless.
He was physically, mentally, verbally abusive and cruel.
Also had a reputation and no fear etc, he was also really intelligent so getting rid of the giant twat was hell.

I did it and for all the threats of burning my house down and acid attacks the fucker walked off and that was that.
I know not everyone is as lucky I was with that, but once they're grey rocked, if you're lucky, ideally their ego may be too bruised to bother "chasing" you.

I'm so sorry and I've thought about you all day, hoping you're safe op ❤

Isn't it awful to feel so ashamed that you lie to people who love you, when you are not the one in the wrong? I've been there and got through it. I started with Women's Aid, an employer saw through my act (trying to hold it together at work!) and I started talking, got me to a local DA charity and was also signposted to the police who did a checklist thing which confirmed I was at risk - that was the thing that really got to me, because although I knew his behaviour was unreasonable I still minimised it. Like you I was both terrified he'd kill himself and also feeling terrible for wishing he actually would. (He didn't.)
There is help out there and you will be amazed at the strength you find. Remind yourself that whatever comes will not be worse than it is currently. Oh - and my family and friends were all amazing when I finally told them - of course, they already suspected!

He sounds similar to an ex business associates daughters partner. He murdered her but tortured her for hours before that.

@Everythingwillbeokeventually44 did you speak to the Police or woman’s aid today?

Oh love please tell your family and friends everything. There is no shame. Your life is worth more than living like this. Please go to the police, tell everyone and try stay somewhere else if you can.

Op
You have a few options

You could
Simply pack up and go to your house - when he turns up you dial 999 and say he's kicking off . That will get them in an immediate response. They can arrest and hold him while you give a statement and the he'd get bail conditions to stay away from you - if he breaches bail he gets locked up again and out before court within 24 hours, and court bail would be imposed.

Or you can ring 101 and get an appointment at a police station , and they arrest him slow time .

Or you go to family - again when he turns up you ring 999 or get someone else to do it but you DO NOT go out to him . You let police deal . They can help you rid yourself of this leech. He's a bastard and you need rid asap . He won't ever kill himself . He's saying that to
Control you . Leave .

Dear OP, I hope you are ok. There was so much self blame and shame in your post. The only person who should be ashamed here is this man. It’s very common if you have been in one abusive relationship to unintentionally get into another one, you were vulnerable and he exploited that. Please do leave as soon as it’s safe for you to do so. You will be believed, as a matter of course. Women’s Aid is great and should be able to escalate this so you get emergency help if you want it, in the form of a shelter. Alternatively in my experience the police are also really good and very well trained in DV. I understand how frightening this is and how powerful he seems and this situation is not going to get better. Women’s Aid and co have seen it all before. You will be believed and supported.

Not sure putting the address of the refuge on this thread is the greatest idea...

Also I'd get out before trying to contact women's aid. It's extremely difficult to get through to them. Don't wait for that - go to a hotel or drive a good distance and phone from the car.

I hope you're safe right now.

You're in extreme danger. Your partner is a threat to your life. You need to tell anyone who might be able to help you. You don't need to fear the shame. You didn't bring this on yourself. He's the criminal, not you. Please tell your parents. Please contact the police, get them involved. And seek help to find a safe place to live. Ideally a safe house with police protection. He absolutely cannot know where you are, and he must not be able to find you.

Don't worry if he threatens to kill himself. Contact the emergency services if you can, but do NOT try to save him yourself. He is dangerous. The first rule of all first aid situations is to ensure your own safety first. You can't do that with him around, so you cannot and should not help him in any way, other than calling emergency services for him.

Make sure you are safe. Contact the police. Take care of yourself. You can recover from whatever shame you're feeling right now, and you can recover financially. Right now your only focus and responsibility should be to find safety.

Dear op, don't be ashamed. This isn't your fault. He's evil and a monster. Either go to a domestic violence shelter if you can, or your family. He's probably too cowardly to try anything around them, but who knows. You can leave your car away from their house. Do you have a record of the arm fracture? Try to screenshot any abuse he sends from now on. Praying for you. Please tell your family and the cops.