Page 7 | How can my brother salvage this situation

missblooming · 2023-10-27T10:19:38+00:00

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month. They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family. The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention. Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him. How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 12:10

Ah hang on - the brother was living with YOU, OP, until he moved in with his girlfriend? No wonder you're desperate for this to work out!

Sorry but he sounds like he's totally using her - comfy house (especially once he kicks her dog out), childcare on tap, extra money for him and the kids (once she stops spending it on that pesky dog). He sounds utterly ghastly and good for her for seeing that so quickly and getting rid of him.

Hmindr68 · 27/10/2023 12:10

GIVE THAT WOMAN A MEDAL

Wow. She saw the flags, she knew she was NBU and she LTB.

Iamclearlyamug · 27/10/2023 12:10

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

But why is it grating on him?

They're not her kids, it's not down to her to make sure they're provided for - its HIS responsibility!

The dog is her responsibility, so if she wants to treat it like a Prince that is absolutely her prerogative.

Sounds like he and your family basically want to use her to make his life easier! Good on her for choosing the dog, sounds like a much better life companion!

gamerchick · 27/10/2023 12:11

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps

They're not her kids though. Not her responsibility at all and he knew she had a dog when he moved in.

You all have used this woman a bit if you're honest. YOU don't have to take him in yanno. It's time he sorted himself out.

Catpuss66 · 27/10/2023 12:11

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

The dog is hers to treat how she wants, but these are his children to look after not hers. His children go without as he is unable to provide for them, not her problem. You OP are reenforcing these ideas that her needs & wants are less than his & his children. They are not her problem, why are you not subsidising your brother with money to take the children out you would them see them go without, but expect someone not related to pick up the bill.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 12:11

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

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You could replace ‘dog’ with ‘houseplant’ and it would still be a better option than your brother. She’s absolutely right to prioritize her own responsibilities, in this case her dog that’s dependent on her.

Someone who moved into my house and saw fit to dictate to me how I organise it, my pets and my finances would be out very fucking quickly. Did she even know he intended to move his kids in to her house half the time, or did he just expect her to happily go along with enabling this and housing them too?

It doesn’t matter what he is in debt for. It’s his debt, same as the kids are his kids. Not her responsibility in any way.

itsgettingweird · 27/10/2023 12:11

He can't move into a property occupied by a woman and her dog and expect the dog to then be removed.

It's just one of life's things where people have different priorities and it makes or breaks a relationship.

In this case it's a deal breaker.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/10/2023 12:12

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

He absolutely doesn't support his kids. You said yourself that they're going without and he's relying on his girlfriend to house them so he can see them more.

rougechaotic · 27/10/2023 12:12

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

also - fairly laughable to say that MN is dogsnet 🙄MN frequently has very little time for dogs. I think posters just have less time for men like your brother – who doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the relationship!! I can't really see her taking him back, tbh she's probably quite relieved not to have someone in her home expecting her to pay off his debt and look after his kids (whilst letting her dog go hungry!)

Ella31 · 27/10/2023 12:12

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

You aren't getting this are you? Only the mother and father are responsible for the children so if there's not much money left over for treats- that's your brother's problem not the gf. You seem to think her spending on the dog is neglecting HIS CHILDREN.

Mimi357 · 27/10/2023 12:12

Oh wow, she is not being unreasonable.

My dog would come first in this situation, she made a commitment to the dog and that includes decent food, toys, home etc. It sounds like it’s her house. His credit card debt and children are HIS not hers, she doesn’t need to fund or house them if she doesn’t want to.

If he wants to salvage it he needs to change his mindset on the dog!

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 12:12

As I'm sure everyone knows I detest dogs, hate them.
But how dare your brother essentially expect his gf to fund his kids and give up her house to them, and get rid of her pet she had first. It doesn't even sound like a serious relationship, moved in quick there, was he living with youe parents before? Cocklodger.

pikkumyy77 · 27/10/2023 12:12

Its just so tone deaf “how can he convince her” and “they were such a nice couple” —I mean: sure? But the ex girlfriend has the right to change her mind. I would have too. They worked as a dating couple but not as co parents or even as roommates. That is all that happened. He can’t afford her and she can’t afford him.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 27/10/2023 12:13

Tell her doggy I say hi Dog sounds lovely. Not sure about your brother!

HermioneWeasley · 27/10/2023 12:13

Does anyone else want to buy the brother’s ex girlfriend a drink? She sounds brilliant.

I don’t own a dog and am not a dog lover. The dog is a red herring in that he feels entitled to her house and money.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/10/2023 12:13

“they were such a nice couple”

Yes, it's amazing how many 'nice couples' there are until the man stops getting his own way all the time.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/10/2023 12:13

this thread is bonkers honestly - he's an adult and hasn't learned to stand on his own 2 feet yet - he's basically using this woman as a ticket to a place to live with a spare room for his kids

he needs to dig himself out of debt and start working towards renting his own place suitable for his kids

they don't need cinema trip and mcdonalds - theres loads of free things he can do with them

Apossum · 27/10/2023 12:14

How on earth were you two raised that he acts this way (a selfish, mooching cocklodger) and that you think the way he acts is absolutely fine and that he’s some sort of victim here?! Good grief.

Hmindr68 · 27/10/2023 12:14

The speed the posts are mounting up is hilarious 😂

OP, you should’ve enabled voting!

Ella31 · 27/10/2023 12:14

Also the reason the kids go without is because of your brother and their mother. This is unbelievable.

Pugdays · 27/10/2023 12:14

You know
I would love to hear the girlfriends side of this ,I really would .
I just bet he's a prince to live with ,and I'd love to know how much parenting she was having to do when his kids were there

Original poster

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

OP posts:

SomeCatFromJapan · 27/10/2023 12:14

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten!

They're not her children though. The dog is hers. And by "spoilt rotten" you have only given the example of "fed", really. Now you're whining that she's not starving her dog so your feckless brother can spend money on unnecessary crap like McDonald's for some children unrelated to her.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 27/10/2023 12:15

The maths isn't matching here. He pays 'a fortune ' in maintenance but can't afford 2 happy meals as a treat ? 🤔🤔🤔🤔 I'm still interested in the rent bills dynamic

PinkLemons99 · 27/10/2023 12:16

YABU.

It’s simple. Your brother needs to get his shit together and get a decent paying job where he can afford his own place and to fully support HIS children.

It’s not his girlfriend’s job to subsidise him. She’s done nothing wrong here and it sounds like she’s realised that your brother is a cocklodger. Good for her!

If he was that bothered about his kids, he’d be prioritising increasing his finances over finding a girlfriend.

Buying a more expensive bag of kibble dog food is not spoiling the dog. Our dog gets meat and veg meals cooked in the pressure cooker by DH 3 times a week and I’d say he’s probably a bit spoilt. 😂