How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

👏🏻 33 pages!

Reckon you and your DB are the unreasonable ones yet, OP?

Oh heck, I made it 34.

Sorry OP, we’ve only heard your DBs side of the story and he still sounds like an absolute cocklodging freeloader, who expects his new GF to help clear his debts and house his kids, so that he can fight his ex for custody. No doubt his latest ex would paint him in an even worse light than you have. Good on her for setting clear boundaries and not putting up with his demands.

If you really want to help your DB, the best thing that you could do is not enable his behaviour. Help him to realise that if he wants to be in a long term relationship, then he has to actually bring something to the table. There is nothing less attractive than a man who is looking for a mother in a relationship.

This cheap dog food is not proper food. Some of it contains like 3% meat and is mostly made up of crap.

Not that it is any of your brother‘s business. It‘s not his money to spend on his kids.

"Trainee"???

He's a fully fledged super cocklodger!!

Millie is adorable! Give her a scritch under the chin and tell the cutie her MumsNet fans say "hi".

You're a long time user of what, OP? Because it sure as hell isn't of MN.

Disgusting cocklodger. Are you not really embarrassed OP? I would be. How dare any of you comment on her dog or what she spends on its food with HER OWN money in HER OWN home. You cheeky fucks. Nobody would be kicking my dog out. Good on her!

This totally 100%

You're missing the key point here OP. Your brothers new girlfriend has no responsibility to spend a single penny on his kids, she gets to spend her money on whatever she wants, it's your brothers responsibility to fund his children and any activities that they do.

£80 on dog food isn't even extravagant (depending on how long that lasts I guess but one bag at £80 would last even a giant dog a couple of weeks at least).

If 'she feeds the dog an averagely priced food and allows the dog to sleep in the house' is 'spoilt rotten' and 'treated like a prince' I fucking hate to see what she thinks is poor treatment?

I guess 'thrown scraps and left in the freezing cold wet back yard' is how OP and her NVDB think dogs should be managed.

My dogs cost me around £220 a month on food and insurance - then theres treats on top (oh yes they get treats, how very spoilt they are) and toys and training equipment, leads, harnesses and so on. AND they sleep where they want (typically on or by our bed but they have free range as it was my choice to have multiple dogs in a small house).

Anyone moving in here and trying to dictate where they went or how much I spend on them would be out the door in seconds! Fortunately for him, DP is more than happy with the arrangement and moans if a dog doesn't want to snuggle up with us!

Her dog, her money, her choice.
My dog needs a special ( read expensive) special diet now he’s old. I don’t care what it costs, he gets it.

it is not up to the girlfriend to support his children.

It’s not about people being dog people, or it being “dogsnet” either. I’m not a particularly big fan of dogs or pets in general, but I think the GF is completely in the right. It’s her house, her dog, her money. Pretty simple really. Your brother should sort out his debt, housing situation and custody without relying on a girlfriend to accomplish it.

To answer your question -
1). The gf is not being unreasonable - the dog is her “baby”.
2). If your brother wants to salvage the situation, he needs to appreciate this.
3). His children are his responsibility.
4). Your brother may be “getting his life back on track” - but what about the GF in all this?
5). He moved in with his GF AND HER DOG. If he’s fixated on the dog “as a problem”, then it’s his attitude he needs to change.
It may suit you that he is living with his GF, and I can totally understand that you don’t want him moving back, but I’m sorry, it’s your brother who needs to change his attitude. If I were the GF, I might be asking myself whether he wants me for me, or merely as a means to an end (getting shared custody of his children). He needs to make his GF see that he really cares about her for herself, and that includes caring about her dog - and more fool him for setting an ultimatum: what did he expect her to say?

Your brother sounds like a loser and she sounds like she’s better off without him. He needs to sort his own life and kids out.

"The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without"
They are not her fucking kids op.
She can spend her money on whatever the hell she likes.
It's your brothers responsibility to provide for his children not hers

Good lord.

He has moved in to HER house where she and her dog were happily residing, something you say is fortunate for HIM because he gets to save money to spend on his children. Great.

Now he wants to turf the dog out AND tell her how she spends HER money because HE doesn't have enough money to spend on HIS CHILDREN NOT HERS.

I have a lot more to say but I think those are the main points.

He is absolutely a cocklodger. I suspect he's been couch surfing at OP's house, or their mum's, and they've been pleased that someone else has taken him on as a project.

Well done to that woman for laying down some ground rules!

Are you serious?? Why does this woman have to spend her money on your brother’s children instead of her dog? It’s her money to do with as she likes. It sounds like jealousy, that he’s jealous that she has money and he doesn’t, and the dog is just a convenient excuse to argue about it.

So he won’t take on her dog but she has to take on his kids…

I hope her and her dog are very happy without the giant cocklodger.

Your db is completely in the wrong here and the fact you are searching for advice on how to mop up his errors rather than have him back speaks volumes. He should be looking for ways to sort this, not you. But he won't because he thinks he is in the right. GF is a saint as far as I'm concerned for even entertaining him.

Yeah, I'm not even a dog person and I can see your DB is in the wrong here.

You'd have to be an absolute scumbag to re-home a dog for a man. It's an absolute hell no and a red flag the size of the moon.

He has stamped his feet to get his own way in HER HOME and I'm glad she's not putting up with it.

He needs to learn a few hard lessons.

OP you stated that even at the start your brother was 'indifferent' to her dog. That speaks volumes about his mindset. If he loved her then he would not be indifferent to a pet that makes her so happy. When you love people their happiness is a priority.

Good on her.

Getting rid of the entitled man who expects HIS children to be a priority in HER home.

Hilarious how quickly HIS debt and HIS children became HER problem.

Tell him get a second job.

OP, I can sympathise with you not wanting him back.

Sounds like HIS problems are everyones problems.🙄

She is well rid.

I hope she runs far far away from him. You only want her with him so you don't have to deal with him.

Here's the thing... he needs her, she doesn't need him. It will never work , much less so when he's kicking off and being all demanding after 6 months.

Absolutely This. I cannot believe what I am reading here. How are you not embarrassed by this thread? How bloody dare you judge his GF for spending her own money on her dog. Its HER dog, HER money, HER house. It would make zero difference if she wanted to spend all her spare cash on gold leaf toilet roll- its her fcking money!!! If you're so upset about your nephews/nieces not having access to a crappy McDonalds meal, how about YOU fund it- they're your family after all so why dont you pay for it? You are their aunt and therefore at least related to them so actually, according to your own twisted logic, you also hold responsibility towards them. But, I'm guessing your answer to that would be "but its not MY responsibility"- well guess what- its not the GF's either.

I also dont believe for one second he's paying "a fortune" in maintenance. If this were actually true, you could easily squeeze the cost of a McDonalds meal out of it and it wouldnt affect his ex wife at all- seeing as he's apparently giving her " a fortune" every month.