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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 28/10/2023 17:12

Is it in the Summer? Could you or would you camp near the house?

Cosyblankets · 28/10/2023 18:00

stargirl1701 · 28/10/2023 17:12

Is it in the Summer? Could you or would you camp near the house?

I wouldn't camp if it was the Caribbean!

stargirl1701 · 28/10/2023 18:15

But would the OP?

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 28/10/2023 18:19

stargirl1701 · 28/10/2023 17:12

Is it in the Summer? Could you or would you camp near the house?

Camp? While everyone else is sleeping in a cosy bed in a holiday rental? That would be like putting OP out in the “kennel” instead of the dog.

godmum56 · 28/10/2023 18:21

If your allergy is severe, keeping the dogs outside won't be enough as the people feeding and exercising them will pick up their dander and transfer it when they enter the house. Its also likely that the dog owners will also have old dander on the clothes or belongings. If the house is rented, there is also no guarantee that the house will be dog dander free anyway, especially if its rented out to dog owners as a general thing. If it was me and the event was significant in my husband's family and not in mine, I'd give my regrets and send husband alone.

RampantIvy · 28/10/2023 18:23

stargirl1701 · 28/10/2023 17:12

Is it in the Summer? Could you or would you camp near the house?

"I don't have a tent or caravan and don't know anybody to borrow one from."

One of the OP's posts ^^
And why should she inconvenience herself by camping? She would still have to go into the house to use the facilities.

Lindyloomillion1 · 28/10/2023 18:35

Of course humans trump dogs in this situation!

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/10/2023 18:51

Simple put on group chat @MrsPatrickDempsey

Not sure if you all know but I have a severe allergy to dogs 🥲

Dh and I can either book nearby accommodation and we can join you for activities outside the house or we can both stay if all the dogs dont come

Obviously the hounds are part of your family so I understand you all went to bring them and finding another place for dh and I isn't a problem

helpplease01 · 28/10/2023 19:28

This. Just this.

Milliemoo6 · 28/10/2023 19:34

Your husband is deluded, you can't just 'keep the dogs outside'....does he expect them to just kip on the patio or something?! Madness. Just stay somewhere else.

threatmatrix · 28/10/2023 19:41

Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 09:15

Interesting that your solution is for the allergic person to miss out on the event rather than the dog owner who doesn’t want to fork out for pet sitting for a weekend!

Show quote history

Do you know how much kennels are? From what I can gather the rest of the family all have dogs. Why don’t they offer to pay for kennels? So all the families suffer because of one person? When you have a gig it is your family.

PastorCarrBonarra · 28/10/2023 19:50

Your husband will need to attend alone, OP.

They’re not going to kennel their dogs, and you can’t risk ill health.

Strictlymad · 28/10/2023 19:54

I wouldn’t go, and just explain why. It’s up to them what they do with the info, if things get unpleasant it’s not your fault!

RampantIvy · 28/10/2023 19:57

So all the families suffer because of one person?

So the person with allergies always has to miss out on family gatherings?

I assume you are a dog owner?

Angrywife · 28/10/2023 20:02

Surely the family that know you're allergic and asthmatic won't be taking their dogs. That would be incredibly selfish and ignorant of them!!

lotsofdogshere · 28/10/2023 20:03

the holiday rental is dog friendly so even if the family dogs don’t go, the house will trigger your allergies.
i have always lived with dogs, tend to holidays they can join us in. I wouldn’t dream of expecting someone with allergies to share this kind of event with my dogs. They’d be boarded while I was away

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 28/10/2023 20:03

I think just be honest and say because YANBU

I know you say severe allergy (and only you could answer this) but could you maybe stay if there was an agreement the dogs need to be in one part of the house e.g not the kitchen, living room, bathroom or near your room - maybe with your room being the closest to the living room etc. (in my head the house is going to be really big) as a dog owner I would have 0 issues with that, though I would have issue if I turned up somewhere and someone said well just leave your dog outside all day and night, maybe because I live in Scotland I don’t know but to me that wouldn’t be an option. However, if the house separation is a no go just be honest and say unfortunately due to my allergies with dogs I won’t be able to stay in the house so would need to find somewhere alternative or just give it a miss x

NoDought · 28/10/2023 20:05

Atopy can be a matter of life or death and if it is going to exacerbate your asthma you are well within your reason to decline invite or ask if other provisions can be made for the dogs.

Lolalady · 28/10/2023 20:11

My dogs sleep with me and would definitely not cope with being outside all the time. Can understand though if you’re allergic you wouldn’t want to be around 4 dogs. It’s a bit of a dog lovers v non dog lovers here though. You can’t assume that dogs will be ok to be left outside, even in an outbuilding. It’s either you go or the dogs go to this event or dog owners get pet sitters. Seems a little strange that knowing you are allergic to dogs family members are bringing theirs or am I missing something?

RampantIvy · 28/10/2023 20:18

Seems a little strange that knowing you are allergic to dogs family members are bringing theirs or am I missing something?

I agree.

Someone that DD knows suddenly died a couple of weeks ago from a severe asthma attack, and I wish people wouldn't minimise the fact that asthma triggered by animal allergies can be very serious indeed.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/10/2023 20:23

It does sound to me as if the entire point of booking a big place where they can bring dogs is SO they can bring dogs.
If dogs were not coming, they'd have organised something else entirely.

If thats the case then the OP hasn't really got much choice but to not go - so really this conversation should have been had way way back before anything was booked and at the first 'let's do x so we can all bring our dogs' OP or her DH should have said 'that doesn't work for us, OP can't be in a doggy environment'.

RampantIvy · 28/10/2023 20:40

In that case they have no right to guilt trip the OP into going if it will endanger her health.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/10/2023 20:41

I think, even though I'd feel a bit put out, I'd just stay home, but encourage dh to go spend time with his family. If your allergy is that bad then dogs outside wouldn't matter as everyone interacting with the dogs would also be off limits to you.
I think they prob don't think your allergy is that serious, even might think it's a bit of you not liking dogs, but it doesn't matter. Just say you can't risk it for your health and hope you can all get together another time dog-free and you don't want to spoil the holiday for everyone else with the restrictions you need.
Truly wish your dh a good time. Book yourself a spa day, lunches/dinners with friends, go to a museum, whatever pleases you and enjoy time on your own to do whatever you want. There's no point stewing on it ... fwiw, I do think your dh's family are acting rude. But, just be the bigger person. 😊

Silvers11 · 28/10/2023 22:01

@MrsPatrickDempsey - The other thing too, is that quite apart from the Dogs themselves, as the accommodation is clearly 'dog -friendly', there will dog dander and the like in the property, no matter how well cleaned it is, which will almost certainly cause you a problem even if none of the dogs actually go to the property

You weren't well when it was all being organised, so it is perfectly reasonable for you to decline because of your Health. You need to stress to them ( or your DH does) that you have severe allergies and Asthma and it is a matter of can't, not 'don't want' that you will not be there

Zanatdy · 28/10/2023 22:03

If people are taking their dogs, there’s no way they are going to keep them outside all weekend. I wouldn’t even entertain the idea as my dogs a house dog. If you know there are always dogs there, and you’re allergic, you decline the invite. You wont be popular suggesting people leave the poor dogs outside all weekend and no way will they agree (unless they are outdoor dogs)