Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

But that’s exactly the point I’m making about this being waaay past the time to have this chat.

If this is a family that are close enough to book a week away together to celebrate, wouldn’t you think discussion of severe allergies would have come up during the organising process? A WHOLE family event takes a decent amount of planning, probably a group chat organising dates, discussing everyone’s budget for the trip, discussing the accommodation to be chosen (which is dog friendly). I totally agree that only a pretty close family would do this, hence there’s presumably been plenty of time before now to speak up on any issues through the planning/paying process. As it is the partner’s family, this has been planned by them and if OP & partner are paying towards it then they (or at least he) would have been involved in planning and surely would have mentioned a severe dog allergy before committing and paying their part? If he hasn’t mentioned that to them and has just gone along with the planning and paying, then this is on him, if the family have arranged this all with his agreement, with him knowing of the dogs coming and dog friendly accommodation and they all had a budget that worked, if at the last minute OP & partner suddenly say well we want our chunk back we can’t go, that’s not the fault of the family, it’s her partner who has let it get to this?

I suspect though by what’s been said in OP’s posts that this is possibly accommodation for a family wedding or something, in which case the accommodation has probably been chosen/paid for based on the wishes of the couple getting married, and if that is the case then yeah that does mean unfortunately OP can’t attend. That’s the only instance I can think of where the issue wouldn’t have come up sooner is if it’s been booked and paid for by somebody else and then others invited as guests, at which point it would be unreasonable to expect the plans to change.

Thing is, given there’s four dogs, that could mean three or four families having to leave dogs home, and that won’t help OP anyway as she can’t stay in a house full of dog dander.

It is fairly obvious the party organisers would prefer the dogs/dog owners to OP, and actually that’s OK. I don’t get the impression she’s upset or insulted, more that she’s being pressured to go by someone. What’s the actual issue @MrsPatrickDempsey ?

Outdoor dogs develop a suitable coat over time and exposure to dropping temps.

A dog who has lived indoors a long time will not have the extra coat to cope instantly.

Many of our modern breeds do not have a suitable coat at all, nor could they grow one. Some breeds no longer have the insulating undercoat, some coats are too long and 'open' up (allowing air into the skin level), some are almost all just undercoat fluff (poodles for example) which on its own isn't very insulating even when dry, once wet it is useless.

Some dogs have coats designed for hot countries -my saluki would be very ill if left outside long periods, she has a fine silky coat, its not too bad if its cold and still or hot, but if its cold and windy, cold and wet, she's buggered. (And traditionally, salukis were exempt from cultural and religious rules on where dogs can go, because of this!)...

So no it is not as simple as 'they're a dog, they're related to wolves, they can cope outside', not at all!

Strays with inappropriate coats... die.

OP hasn't explained how any of this came about so we don't know if anyone was being mean or whatever.

@MrsPatrickDempsey it would be pertinent to this thread if you could tell us if the dogs didn't come whether you would be able to stay in that dog friendly house?
Essentially - how severe is your allergy / asthma?

@tattygrl yes but OP says they’re a family of dog lovers so I assume the accommodation (if already booked) would have been selected bearing that in mind.

As it's DHs family event, sounds like the only real solution is DH goes to it and OP stays at home.

A WHOLE family event takes a decent amount of planning, probably a group chat organising dates, discussing everyone’s budget for the trip, discussing the accommodation to be chosen (which is dog friendly).

Not necessarily. We’ve chosen and booked a big house to celebrate our silver wedding. The date’s obviously non negotiable and we’re paying for it, so no discussion is necessary. The whole family is invited, they come or they don’t but they don’t get a say in the planning, it’s our event at which they’re welcome.

I don't think they are in the wrong for bringing the dogs, but I also don't think you'd be in the wrong for explaining that you won't be able to come if there are going to be dogs in the house and your DH's family would be unreasonable to kick off if you don't go.

You could certainly ask if there's any possibility that the dogs could stay outside, but it wouldn't be anything like as simple as your DH seems to imagine. You can't just leave four dogs outside all day and night. At the very least they'd need a warm, dry and secure building to sleep in with room for all their beds and so on, and even then they'd almost certainly be extremely anxious - if they're family pets who have only ever lived indoors with humans, leaving them in a strange place on their own isn't going to work. They won't understand what's happening and they'd probably bark/howl non-stop when they realise they're being separated from their families.

If you read my whole reply, you’ll see that’s actually what I said I suspect has happened here. This is some kind of family event e.g. a wedding where the couple have chosen the venue and paid for it, and so there was no discussion needed because they weren’t paying, and in that case- as you say- you make the plans you want to and your guests are invited to come if it works for them. In which case here, it doesn’t work for OP so she can’t attend.

There's stray dogs in countries with much colder winters

Yes - and a lot of them do die during the winter because of that. The life expectancy of a feral dog is very short. This is a bit like saying that human beings don't really need any shelter because homeless people sleep on the streets.

The vast majority of pet dogs would 'survive' a day and night outdoors, in the sense that they probably wouldn't drop down dead. However, if you own a dog it's not enough for it simply to 'survive'. Plenty of dogs 'survive' being kicked and beaten and burnt with cigarettes, but that doesn't mean it's OK to do that to them. The vast majority of pet dogs - who have been bred indoors and have only ever lived indoors and had the primary role of being a family companion - would be a) cold and b) absolutely terrified and miserable if they were suddenly left outside for a weekend, and even more so in a strange place.

As much as I love my dogs, I would never knowingly or willingly take them somewhere where it will impact on someone's health, so I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest op.
They could do what I do and put the dogs in a doggy hotel for the duration that they're away, or even hire a dog sitter.

The owners just need to pay for kennels or a dog sitter

you just have to take the hit sometimes as a dog owner

it was your choice and no one else’s to get a dog

They might not want you to come because why would they bring dogs when they know you're allergic that is selfish

Why would they do that if it’s their event and they want their dog (s) there?

@MrsPatrickDempsey are you going to come back and provide all the missing info?

You were given options of politely declining. I hope you’ll use one of the examples.

Hello
Overwhelmed by the response-
I will read through the thread and come back!

I hope this clarifies things.

There is no problem at the moment - I just realised that the doggies will be there.
I wouldn’t expect them to keep the dogs out. I realise that they are an important part of their families. Their dogs go everywhere with them - it’s just what they do.
We would always book pet free accommodation so I have no experience of how staying in a pet friendly place will affect me. However doggy houses do set me off even when the dog isn’t there so not looking good.
We haven’t paid yet. We will contribute.
The family isn’t really really close as a whole. They absolutely know of my health but probably isn’t at the forefront of their minds as we don’t meet very often.
We haven’t all been away before and don’t frequent each other’s homes really so it hasn’t been an issue previously. I do feel that if I didn’t go it would look off. I would be the only one in the whole family not going. That is at the centre of this but I do have a legitimate reason.
The organisation of the event was a complete faff. There was a group chat with about 35 family members. No one would take responsibility for organising; lots of suggestions but no actions or agreements; not very clear communication. I stepped back as I was very unwell in the summer and got frustrated with the lack of direction. Why there couldn’t be a normal discussion I’ll never know. So another family member took the bull by the horns (which was absolutely needed) and suggested the property. Other parties agreed but the topic of dogs didn’t come up. I wasn’t involved. Thanks again for everyone’s perspective - I know what I have to do. They may or may not be understanding.

Your approach is very reasonable, OP. They will be out of order if they have an issue with you being unable (not unwilling!) to attend.

I'm sure they will understand. It sounds as though the organiser has done what they consider to be best for the majority, and, as you were unwell, you weren't in a position to remind them of your allergy. But by the sound of it you would not have wanted to throw a spanner in the works in any case.

It's quite likely that when the time comes there will be other family members who suddenly can't make it for whatever reason, so I wouldn't worry at all about it being awkward or offending anyone.

Meanwhile maybe you can plan a treat for yourself? A city or spa break in a lovely (dog-free!) hotel, perhaps?

I do feel that if I didn’t go it would look off. I would be the only one in the whole family not going. That is at the centre of this but I do have a legitimate reason

You will know your own family more, but I suspect you may be overthinking it. I really doubt they will be anything less than polite about it and maybe even apologetic as effectively the dogs have been prioritised over you.

If they were bothered about you attending, they’d have made sure it was dog free whether that’s by booking two houses close to each other and putting all the dogs in one house, or simply telling the dog owners to find pet sitters.

I’m sure they’ll be completely understanding about your absence and if they’re not, given your reason- they’re not worth spending time with anyway!

I would not go. I am sure your relatives would not want their time disrupted by an emergency or visit to hospital! You have a valid medical reason not to go.

When did dogs become so significant?

I have a colleague who endlessly moans if her friends or family want to go to lunch or dinner somewhere that’s not dog friendly. She truly believes people are being selfish to want to go to particular restaurants instead of accommodating her dog.

I wouldn't go. You'll end up ill the whole time. If you've not spent loads if time together before I also can't think of anything worse than spending a weekend all in a house together 😁😁.
Can't their dogs go into kennels?

I have bad asthma and im very allergic to dogs (amongst a ton of other stuff). I have two dogs and also foster dogs. I take regular medication and other than the odd foster who is casting particularly badly, i am fine. You could always speak to your GP. Id recommend starting meds about a week before, i find that helps but could be just me x