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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to decline a family event because of dogs?

370 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 08:48

A tricky situation has arisen. Within DH large family there is a significant event next year where it has been agreed that everyone will meet and stay together in a house for the weekend. This is booked and is a considerable distance from us in the middle of nowhere so nowhere else near.
There will be 4 dogs joining us. I am severely allergic and they are a significant trigger of my asthma. Family know this.
DH thinks we should ask for the dogs to be kept outside. I think this isn't fair to the dog owners as I am the minority and I think it will cause bad feeling.
What's the solution here? Travelling just for the day isn't an option and staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip.

OP posts:
sollenwir · 27/10/2023 13:24

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/10/2023 12:22

If the event is in summer can you stay in a tent/caravan. So you are outside rather than the dogs...

🙄

tenterden · 27/10/2023 13:35

You say staying elsewhere defeats the point of the trip, but it was for a significant event. Like a festival or something?

I am a bit confused why you can’t stay elsewhere.

Unless you mean it’s MILS 70th and some bright spark decided to have the whole family stay in one house as a celebration? My idea of hell.

If the latter, I would just excuse myself.

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/10/2023 13:40

RampantIvy · 27/10/2023 13:04

Or perhaps the dog owners could do this with their pets that they are unable to be separated from for a few days?

Why should the OP with what could be a life threatening allergy have to inconvenience herself because other people are being selfish?

Show quote history

Many people enjoy camping and OP is less likely to bite a passing cyclist if left unattended 😊

Also more dog people than allergy people to find room for tents. The alternative seems to be op doesn't go which sounds sad.

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 13:41

Pipsquiggle · 27/10/2023 11:15

It sounds either you don't go or you get other accommodation.

If it's dog friendly accommodation, it's highly likely they'll be dog hair present in that property - even if the 4 family dogs don't go. I am not sure how you circumnavigate this.

That’s very true!

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 13:46

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/10/2023 12:26

HUMANS NEEDS TRUMP DOGS NEEDS ALWAYS, NO EXCEPTIONS

As @Pipsquiggle said, it doesn’t matter if these 4 dogs go or not.

OP still wouldn’t be able to stay there because it’s a dog friendly home and no matter how much it’s been cleaned it will probably still aggravate her allergies, especially if as she says they are severe.

My friend has cat allergies and cannot go into a home where a cat has been, even if it’s been cleaned.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 13:54

@tenterden

Yep very very similar! Confused

OP posts:
diddl · 27/10/2023 13:55

Isn't it more putting the owner(s) of the dogs before Op?

Of course the owner(s) could always offer not to take dogs if they value Op.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 13:57

@Halfemptyhalfling

I don't have a tent or caravan and don't know anybody to borrow one from.

OP posts:
tenterden · 27/10/2023 13:57

Then honestly, you can’t possibly go.

I would very politely decline and wouldn’t make any fuss at all. Tbh I would be grateful for the excuse not to have to attend, but I hate this sort of thing.

Why is it a problem? Is DH being dramatic about it?

literalviolence · 27/10/2023 14:13

Ylvamoon · 27/10/2023 09:04

I wouldn't want to stay in a dog friendly place with severe allergy.

If its a holiday let, you don't know how clean it really is, when & where the last dog stayed, ect.

There must be a town or something nearby where you could stay at a B&B and join the family for the day? Or DH could go by himself?

Me too. If places accept dogs, I can't stay in them because they're infested with dog dander.

mn29 · 27/10/2023 14:19

literalviolence · 27/10/2023 14:13

Me too. If places accept dogs, I can't stay in them because they're infested with dog dander.

Show quote history

Yes this is true. We’ve had to leave a rental cottage in the past as the reaction was severe. Really hard to find places that don’t accept dogs now that almost everyone has one 😣

Resilience · 27/10/2023 14:20

I'm a dog owner. I would not be happy having my dog stay outside. He'd be miserable and probably extremely annoying to everyone by barking to come inside. It would make me enjoy the event less because I'd be worrying about him and trying to manage the situation.

However, if I was going to a family gathering where one of the family was known to be allergic to dogs, I wouldn't be expecting to take the dog in the first place!

Animal-related asthma is horrible and some people are so sensitive they can be triggered by secondary exposure on clothes, etc. I'd never take the risk.

This is an event happening in the future where you have some time to plan. Could not bringing the dogs be discussed? Assuming you have a relatively functional family I'm sure everyone would be amenable to a situation that prioritises your health.

tattygrl · 27/10/2023 14:22

BrownTableMat · 27/10/2023 11:40

It’s not about whether dogs trump humans. It’s about the commitments you’ve made. When you have a dog in the house you are entirely responsible for its welfare. Many dogs are sensitive creatures and easily get upset, traumatised or sick because they just want to be with their human(s) and don’t have the capacity to understand why they are being sent elsewhere.

My little dog would never cope in kennels because she needs to be around people. So when I go away she stays with friends or with home boarders. But it’s not always possible to find someone to have her, especially at short notice. And as she gets older and more frail she finds it harder to be away from me for long periods anyway, so I’m increasingly having to factor in holidays in the uk where I can take her with me. By the way, she’s a normal happy dog whom I’ve had from a puppy, albeit of a breed known to be particularly in need of close human contact.

You could say none of these considerations should be put above the needs of any humans in my life, and I can see that argument. But if I were to say “she’s just a dog” and leave her in unsuitable care or chuck her into the car or garden all day (where she’d bark and cry) I’d return to a traumatised dog who would probably be refusing to eat, really unwell to the point of vomiting and diarrhoea, and desperately unhappy for a long while afterwards - maybe permanently. And I have committed to look after her for the 10-15 years she will have on this earth. And I love her.

So for me, saying my dog matters even if this means I can’t always accommodate the legitimate needs of family or friends (thankfully this rarely happens but it does sometimes) is against this background - I don’t want to do possibly permanent damage to an animal whose welfare is entirely my responsibility.

All you've said makes sense and is understandable, but then wouldn't part of that choice and commitment you've made to this animal mean that on this occasion you wouldn't attend due to not being able to leave your dog? You (or in this case, OP's family members) chose to commit to the dog, while OP didn't choose to have an allergy.

BrownTableMat · 27/10/2023 14:40

tattygrl · 27/10/2023 14:22

All you've said makes sense and is understandable, but then wouldn't part of that choice and commitment you've made to this animal mean that on this occasion you wouldn't attend due to not being able to leave your dog? You (or in this case, OP's family members) chose to commit to the dog, while OP didn't choose to have an allergy.

Show quote history

Yes, that’s exactly what it means. For example, I will almost certainly spend Christmas Day alone this year as my family is gathering in the house of a relative who has cats and doesn’t want a dog in the house. And I can’t find dog sitting over Christmas.

I do think though that the situation here is a bit murkier and depends on whether the family is specifically getting together for a doggy weekend, as well as the precise nature of the event and how close a family member the OP is.

BrownTableMat · 27/10/2023 14:43

To add: I think I was mostly trying to explain, however, why while “humans are more important than dogs” is true, it doesn’t mean that as a dog owner I can simply disregard my dog’s needs or drop everything to accommodate even very legitimate human needs like allergies or phobias. Of course I’d never impose my dog on someone who didn’t want her, but neither can I just write her out of the picture and always be available to everyone without her.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2023 14:50

tattygrl · 27/10/2023 14:22

All you've said makes sense and is understandable, but then wouldn't part of that choice and commitment you've made to this animal mean that on this occasion you wouldn't attend due to not being able to leave your dog? You (or in this case, OP's family members) chose to commit to the dog, while OP didn't choose to have an allergy.

Show quote history

I can see what you mean, but I suppose the issue with that argument though is that this is an entire family event, and there’s 4 dogs present at accommodation that is dog friendly. So the owners of all 4 of those dogs, plus the rest of the family attending, have agreed to dogs going and to staying in this dog friendly accommodation. This means that the dog owners have all taken ownership of their commitment to their animals by making sure they are catered for and looked after on this trip, and made the choice to stay somewhere where this is possible.

With a severe allergy, even if the dogs were not attending this trip, OP would not be able to stay in the accommodation due to animals having stayed there previously. So it feels like there was a conversation that could/should have been had earlier on in the planning process to accommodate everyone, even if that meant staying separately or staying somewhere else where possible. There’s also I suppose the argument that this is 4 sets of dog owners who would need to rearrange their plans and all potentially pay £200/300 each to have their dogs looked after elsewhere, so it would cost the rest of the group close to £1000 in those fees to allow OP to attend. Is that fair? It is unfortunate but it’s one of those things with big family events where you have to go with what works for the majority, the best option would be for OP& partner to stay somewhere else as close as possible if they still want to he involved somehow, or partner to go alone and next time something is being planned mention this early in the process

tenterden · 27/10/2023 14:55

It really does depend on the details.

Let’s say it’s MILS 70th and one of the dogs is hers, and she wants to bring it. Totally reasonable in my view.

It is the party throwers prerogative who they invite and who they prioritise. OP can’t go with any “compromise “ due to severe allergy, and if the accommodation is already chosen, booked and paid for, she can’t stay there anyway even if no dogs present as it will be full of dander.

I can’t see the big deal in OP politely declining, but I suspect she’s got a DH problem or the extended family are trying to bully her into attending, and that’s not on.

Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 14:55

If OP and her family aren’t able to go though and assuming the costs of the event are being shared, that could easily increase everyone else’s share of the bill by more than £1k. So the additional money may be being paid by the dog owners whichever way this one is sliced.

tenterden · 27/10/2023 14:57

Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 14:55

If OP and her family aren’t able to go though and assuming the costs of the event are being shared, that could easily increase everyone else’s share of the bill by more than £1k. So the additional money may be being paid by the dog owners whichever way this one is sliced.

Yes, but that’s not OPs problem.

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/10/2023 15:03

MrsPatrickDempsey · 27/10/2023 13:57

@Halfemptyhalfling

I don't have a tent or caravan and don't know anybody to borrow one from.

You can buy them quite cheaply and sell second hand afterwards but I completely understand if you don't fancy camping.

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2023 15:04

Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 14:55

If OP and her family aren’t able to go though and assuming the costs of the event are being shared, that could easily increase everyone else’s share of the bill by more than £1k. So the additional money may be being paid by the dog owners whichever way this one is sliced.

This assumes OP & her partner have paid towards it and also assumes that the others will give them their amount back they have paid, as OP says it’s already booked. If the plan was always dog friendly accommodation and that was agreed on booking and paying, the others could well turn round and say “you don’t get your % back because you’ve changed your mind, you knew the deal when you paid”. Hence this feels to me like too little too late to have this chat because the time for negotiating on this was BEFORE it was booked.

However if OP & her partner haven’t paid towards it and have just been invited then OP just doesn’t go.

RedPony1 · 27/10/2023 15:12

Either you don't go, or the dogs family don't go (they aren't going to fork out for kennel costs for 4x dogs, they just wont go)

So one way or another, not all the family will be there.

Katrinawaves · 27/10/2023 15:13

Mrsttcno1 · 27/10/2023 15:04

This assumes OP & her partner have paid towards it and also assumes that the others will give them their amount back they have paid, as OP says it’s already booked. If the plan was always dog friendly accommodation and that was agreed on booking and paying, the others could well turn round and say “you don’t get your % back because you’ve changed your mind, you knew the deal when you paid”. Hence this feels to me like too little too late to have this chat because the time for negotiating on this was BEFORE it was booked.

However if OP & her partner haven’t paid towards it and have just been invited then OP just doesn’t go.

Show quote history

Gosh that would be a real toxic family dynamic. To effectively say to OP that she has only two choices. To attend the family gathering and risk suffocating to death because family members are exposing her to something completely avoidable which could kill her. Or don’t attend but still pay £1k for the said family members who were happy to put her life at risk to have a lovely week away without her.

I’d like to think the kind of family who is close enough to book a week together to celebrate someone’s milestone event wouldn’t behave in that way. But I guess anything is possible!

caramac04 · 27/10/2023 15:18

Well you can’t risk a severe allergic reaction and 4 dogs might well cause that. Your health and well-being come first. Saying that, I have 2 dogs who would not cope with being outside all the time and I wouldn’t do that to them.
However, if I couldn’t find alternative care, very likely, I would choose to stay away rather than my dogs have such an impact on someone else’s health.
My dogs are my choice, your allergies are not a choice.

LisaD1 · 27/10/2023 15:21

Have you spoken directly to the dog owners? Maybe they’ll agree to not bring them.

I have 2 dogs and am a huge animal
lover. my sil is severely allergic and when she comes to stay I send my dogs to the boarders, I couldn’t stand not to be able to include her and it’s a genuine allergy, she loves dogs but they make her so unwell.

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