Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he stay or should he go?

279 replies

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:26

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

OP posts:
cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:28

So let me get this straight

He is good at hobbies

and shit at everything else?

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:28

I am a single parent of 2

i am very happy being queen of my domain , yes

Shoxfordian · 27/10/2023 06:30

He’s good at things that interest him so your family life, being a good dad, earning money consistently and being a good husband do not interest him. What else do you need to know?

Arewethebadguys · 27/10/2023 06:33

I said you are being unreasonable, sorry, because you've clearly enabled him for 12 years. You wouldn't put up with this behaviour from your kids why does your husband get to choose how much effort to put into family life? He sounds awful. I'd have got rid long before now.

Original poster
Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:33

@cultureplanet No, not everything else. He's very, very intelligent like I said, really good at managing money, good to talk to about current affairs, we have a laugh about a lot of things. But life at home just seems a bit beyond him / gets him down.

OP posts:
recklessgran · 27/10/2023 06:33

You're already rowing the boat on your own OP. I've pretty much been doing that for nearly 50 years. Suits me in a way because it means I get my own way about everything as DH doesn't care and is so laid back he's horizontal. Sorry, no answers but what I do know is that you won't change him no matter how much fuss you make!

Hearmenow23 · 27/10/2023 06:34

Is he NT?

I totally get you, but have you sat down and had the talk?

You should definitely swap to online shopping, but obviously that doesn't solve the overall issue.

To be honest, this would drive me mad and I probably would leave him. I would just be angry and exhausted all the time. I find the work situation the most stressful. I think I would lose respect and love. What was he like when you met?

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:35

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:33

@cultureplanet No, not everything else. He's very, very intelligent like I said, really good at managing money, good to talk to about current affairs, we have a laugh about a lot of things. But life at home just seems a bit beyond him / gets him down.

Very good at managing money that you earn given you say that he can’t get on at work, 3 jobs, been made redundant twice and now on a temp contract that you are certain won’t be made permanent

LylaLee · 27/10/2023 06:35

He couldn't cook, go shopping, or make a snack, and you kept dating him. Then you accidentally had a baby. Fine. It happens. Then he showed that he wouldn't couldn't look after that one baby. So you had two more.

Why did you think he was magically going to change?

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:37

Every facet of life you have pulled him apart (justifiably), from earning to caring to the children to cooking to even shopping.

what a life

C1N1C · 27/10/2023 06:37

Do you scold him when he has gotten it wrong in the past?

Some in here will come up with the term 'weaponised incompetence', which I agree, does exist... but there is a flip side where the other half is quite controlling and it HAS to be done a certain way (e.g. folding towels or laundry).

I'm not sure the redundancies are his fault though... it's a sign of the times.

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:38

Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

he sounds truly pathetic

Dustpantsandbush · 27/10/2023 06:38

The fact that your 12yo DD is more competent and mature then her DF tells you all you need to know.

Original poster
Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:39

@Hearmenow23 He was winning at life at university. Best 4 years of his life. Smashing his degree out of the park, loads of sport, loads of friends, no responsibilities. We had a ball!!

I was like "I'll have him, he's the smartest guy in the room" and he said he was going to work in finance. Which he did... until he was made redundant the first time.

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 27/10/2023 06:41

Well loads of people will pile on and tell you he has Adhd but whatever the reason I couldn't with this.

Not because of the impact on me but he can't look after your children properly and might suddenly find it a bit easier on his own

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:43

So you were 18-20 when you got together.

I suspect that the couple of years when you “had a ball” have coloured your view of him and you keep hoping to get that young man back.

That ship has sailed. Well over a decade ago. And now he seems thoroughly incompetent and every facet of family life, which would be just about tolerable (not really though) if he was in a kick ass earning stable job. But he’s not. By the sounds of it, soon to be unemployed. Again

seafronty · 27/10/2023 06:43

What a pointless human shaped object to have living in your home. Just think, you could have a big fluffy poodle instead and have no extra work on your plate.

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:44

Your children will grow up thinking that this is the normal dynamic between mum and dad

Mum doing everything
Dad doing very little and when he does do something - it’s not right and he gets stressed and shouty and mum gets pissed off

Mummumgem · 27/10/2023 06:47

The big question is do you still love him, if you do despite his faults then that’s all that matters.

you’re frustrated and I don’t blame you, but you’ve managed so far and if you feel his good points out way the bad then keep going.

it will get easier as the children get older, try getting into the habit of a healthy snack shelf in the fridge, keep a full bowl of fruit so if the children ask him for food he knows where to get it without thinking. Give him small simple tasks one at a time. I know it’s difficult but my husband has early dementia, and I find it’s the best way, “please take the rubbish from the kitchen bin into the black bin outside” “please run the vac over the living room” sort of instructions he manages that better than. ‘ please empty the bins and vac” sort of requests.

ConnieTucker · 27/10/2023 06:47

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:28

So let me get this straight

He is good at hobbies

and shit at everything else?

He is good at what he wants to be good at.

he is selfish.

ChimChimeny · 27/10/2023 06:49

Mummumgem · 27/10/2023 06:47

The big question is do you still love him, if you do despite his faults then that’s all that matters.

you’re frustrated and I don’t blame you, but you’ve managed so far and if you feel his good points out way the bad then keep going.

it will get easier as the children get older, try getting into the habit of a healthy snack shelf in the fridge, keep a full bowl of fruit so if the children ask him for food he knows where to get it without thinking. Give him small simple tasks one at a time. I know it’s difficult but my husband has early dementia, and I find it’s the best way, “please take the rubbish from the kitchen bin into the black bin outside” “please run the vac over the living room” sort of instructions he manages that better than. ‘ please empty the bins and vac” sort of requests.

But that's treating him like another of her children, he shouldn't need managing and being given 'little tasks' he's a grown man!
And no love isn't all that matters, and can very easily be replaced by resentment which seems to be happening already

Pandoran · 27/10/2023 06:53

I am surprised you seem to be only raising this after 12 years of parenting. It sounds absolutely horrendous.

What does he say about this ridiculous situation? Is he embarrassed he can’t cope? Contrite? Keen to change? Grateful?

I could not stay with a man like this unless he realised the imbalance and wanted to learn how to share the mental and physical load. No way.

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 06:55

Well loads of people will pile on and tell you he has Adhd

As someone with ADHD, he certainly sounds like he has it. When you have the talk the issue for me would be how willing is he to address his disability challenges. My mum also has ADHD and all I remember from my childhood is her having melt down after melt down. It was miserable living with her. Now she understands why she behaves as she does she’s unwilling to address this and I’ve ended up going non-contact.

Lengokengo · 27/10/2023 06:56

i work in financial services and have come across this type. V able academically their whole life, so think they should be able to smash City life. Lots just aren’t up to it as it already assumes a high level of a (certain type of) intelligence as a baseline, but then also there are a combination of other skills in addition to intelligence, that they have never had ( bother) to master. They can’t cope, and they also can’t cope with not coping. This is recognised quite quickly and these people are generally managed out, or leave themselves.

i know of several of these types of men that I would hate to live with. They NEVER do the grunt work as it’s ‘not a good use of my time’ (being so intelligent and all…) I have had this said to me by junior men who expected me, their senior, to do whatever tasks were beneath their contempt. They didn’t last long.

Flyhigher · 27/10/2023 07:00

Which hobbies and sport is he good at?