Should he stay or should he go?

[Howbadistoobad]

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

Tbh OP reading your posts, it sounds like you’re still in the mindset you had at university ie ‘ he’s amazing!! I’m going to have him!’ All the stuff about how incredibly clever he is and the golden boy on the front page of the local paper. It sounds as if he’s been hero worshipped for a long time & he expects to do what he wants because, well he’s the amazing golden boy isn’t he?

the real world of work was clearly a brutal shock! And honestly who on Earth goes into finance in the city without understanding that if you’re a high flier they expect you to sell your soul for your 6 figure salary/bonus. That’s very well known. So maybe he just expected to be brilliant at it because he was always brilliant, and when he wasn’t and also was no longer the golden boy, he found that extremely hard so he just withdrew because it challenged his idea about himself and how smart he was rather than prove them wrong.

i have no idea if you’d be better off without him. On paper, yes of course you would, it’s like having an extra child but it does seem co dependent - he’s still that amazing golden boy to you.

i doubt very much he’ll change, why would he? You facilitate him to live a great life. Question is, is your life great and would you be happier without him?

He looks after the kitchen in the evenings (in preference to wrangling 3 kids of differing ages to bed),

What do you mean he looks after the kitchen?
You mean by washing up and wiping the surfaces down - like every other adult does.

He’s a grown adult, of course he should be doing housework like every other adult (and most children) do.

I wouldn’t say him doing housework is a good thing because it’s just what everyone does.
So if I was listing his good and bad points I wouldn’t put it on either, as it’s completely irrelevant.

@Nowherenew I think it happened pretty much immediately when we got an actual joint lease. Been together 3 years by then. I was actually very happy to "mother" him before we had kids. I didn't realise until I had my first that I had been channeling all of my natural motherly-ness into him.

What is the longest he has held a job?

how long has been the Gap between jobs?

and when he was between jobs… did he not raise his game with regard to family life ?

How old are you op?

Agree with this (professional services) Really bright, loads of big ideas but incapable of the basics. Irritates the shit out of me, having the nip their heels every bloody week/month.

I've never been able to work out if they're idle/entitled/incompetent or all on the spectrum in some way.

@cultureplanet Held a job about 15 years. Longest gap just over a year. We're mid 40s.

Did he step up? Well, last time I was just starting mat leave (yeah, ouch) so he didn't really have to. Yes I guess he did more drop offs and pick ups and stuff.... but I was in full on newborn mode so didn't really notice the benefit.

We're mid 40s.

Do you love him?

I think you should go to marriage counselling to come up with a plan to move forward, literally lists if you need it (who does what). You need a 3rd person encouraging him in what to do. If you do it, you are parenting him again. I would hope it would shake him out of it, and frankly he will embarrassed.

He clearly does a bit, cleaning, DIY, and does actually earn something. Not a total drain compared to some, but not what you want or deserve by any means.

It doesn't mean you need to stay together, but counselling also offers you the opportunity to think about yourself, your role, your goals, and to slow things down to give yourself time to think. He might come out of counselling a changed-ish being. Or he might show you that he's utterly awful, and entitled. But at least you can find out with someone else managing it all.

I also think marriage counselling means you can turn to your kids, and tell them you tried to find a resolution before their world completely changed. For me that would be very important, I would probably do it for that sole reason.

https://www.relate.org.uk/what-we-do/counselling/relationship-counselling

@AgnesX Haha, yeah I am also in professional services and I see that profile in some areas for sure.

My DH doesn't have the entitled vibe though to be fair.

whats he like as a father when he’s not getting stressed and shouty?

Have you done any couples therapy?

@Daz57 Not like I used to. I would like to again though. Does that count?

Do you love him and actually want to be with him? I sense from your post that your pulling up all the reasons for him being useless (which are legitimate) but then state what he is good at doing. Which is fair to mention but it gives me the impression that your more looking for an excuse to end the relationship. If you don't want to keep the relationship going and picking up his slack with parenting and earning that is ok.

He never had to learn to become an adult because in the post university years when he should have acclimated and learned skills, are the years you were “mothering” him.

It sounds like you have both been okay with living this way a very long time, you were happy to enable, what has changed now?

It sounds to me that mid 40s perhaps peri menopause might have lowered your tolerance.
Many marriages end at this time, maybe that is one of the functions of menopause - a second life, by hook or by crook.

If he is as intelligent as you say, he can learn new skills one at a time, even people with considerable learning disabilities manage this. The only difference is, they must and are required to, and they are not enabled.

Not once do you say that you two have sat down and actually discussed the situation or how you are feeling

You’ve been with him…25 years?

He'a really good at hobbies.

Is your husband 12? He sounds like an utter drain.

You need to tell him to shape up or ship out.

@cultureplanet He is a good dad in many ways. He loves them. He's around a lot and very supportive of their activities e.g. helps to coach some of their teams. He finds unstructured time with them really hard, especially more than one of them at a time. I don't know what he would say though if you asked him if he likes parenting or if he would prefer to have not had children at all.

Google inattentive adhd..

Has he actually said he would have preferred not to have had children??!

If you've been with him since about 20 years old, and always mothered him, then honestly, he really might not understand how he's supposed to behave. If you've (initially somewhat) unwittingly created his behaviour, then I think you both need couples therapy to understand how to relate to each other.

Ok ok there are enough ADHD references now. I am going to head down that rabbit hole.

I had always assumed asd if anything...

Hmm, his nephew has inattentive ADHD come to think of it...

@Howbadistoobad

Your husband sounds exactly like my ex, who I highly suspect is autistic. But in terms of a relationship and getting through the days and weeks, that became irrelevant. Having a man who was functioning more like a teenager with needing to be told how to do everything, just barely being able to get on with a job never mind everything that comes with a family, it broke me mentally. It didn’t even take to my 40s to realise no matter how much I supported him, got frustrated or simply just did it myself in hopes he’d notice anything by himself, he was never going to change.

If they don’t care to change (and 99% they don’t because it’s too difficult) then you are always going to be defacto parent/earner/housekeeper. It not about what you expect of him at this point, it’s about what you want for your future - is it this, or do you want better? Unfortunately ‘love’ doesnt come into it, you can love someone in many ways but loving a person doesn’t trump your own welfare or that of your children who are seeing his behaviour as acceptable.