Should he stay or should he go?

[Howbadistoobad]

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

I’ve only read your posts, rather than the whole thread, but have you tried something like Gousto, Hello Fresh or Simply Cook for his cooking days? It would take the mental load from you and he would have his explicit instructions that he likes.

@Nellodee ideas like that are so frustrating to read though, because again it’s the OP having to think the stuff up (or ask mumsnet!) and then suggest it to him; like he’s a big giant baby. He should see that he’s shite at adulting and parenting and actively seek out these sorts of solutions HIMSELF. He could have sought out an ADHD diagnosis and take medication to be a more functional dad.

As usual (and to quote a slightly niche Facebook group) the bar for men is so low it is a tavern in Hades. You can bet if he was a woman with 3 kids, and a job, and a house to run he would have realised he needed help/solutions/medication to be an optimal parent. ADHD isn’t sex linked, as many women have it as men, and yet it’s never the women who just opt out of family life to the point their 12 year old has to do it for them. It’s entirely reflective of the patriarchy and the fact that men can just be shite at things, knowing the women in the life (whatever the age) will pick up the slack for them

(not having a go at you @Nellodee its a great idea! It’s just so rubbish that it has to be a bunch of women sorting out this man’s issues as usual)

Love the tavern in Hades! Exact-fucking-ly.
Even if women have their issues (like the PP whose mum had meltdowns) they can't just 'not do' anything. And have their spouse run around for them. I don't deny that a very tiny minority of men would probably pick up the slack but most would just expect their wives to get on with it.

I can't believe few are disgusted by the fact that this man's daughter had to cover for his incompetence. I would have lost all respect for him at that point.

No idea how OP had three kids with him but as a ND person married to another and having dated lots of them this would make me up sticks. And DH very well knows the score...

@Jeezypeepers Yeah this in spades, I think I posted precisely because I had had to come up with one make-it-work-for-him solution too many!!