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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he stay or should he go?

279 replies

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:26

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

OP posts:
potatoheads · 28/10/2023 10:16

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 06:55

Well loads of people will pile on and tell you he has Adhd

As someone with ADHD, he certainly sounds like he has it. When you have the talk the issue for me would be how willing is he to address his disability challenges. My mum also has ADHD and all I remember from my childhood is her having melt down after melt down. It was miserable living with her. Now she understands why she behaves as she does she’s unwilling to address this and I’ve ended up going non-contact.

If it is adhd that is bad enough that he can't cope with simple tasks how likely is it that he smashed university, or excelled in the extra curricular spirts and had no social issues at all up to that age?

potatoheads · 28/10/2023 10:20

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 07:49

Hes only good at things he enjoys. He's taking the piss out of you

Not necessarily. If there are disability reasons there will be a genuine reason why he’s shite at house stuff. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated my husband had to do all of the cleaning as I couldn’t maintain my attention long enough to finish the task.

There’s lots of people with ADHD who excel at academics but struggle with day to day life as an adult

But he managed the day to day stuff at school and uni. Sounds like his executive functions were excellent then. I'm thinking ASD perhaps.

Loubelle70 · 28/10/2023 10:27

Catsmere · 28/10/2023 02:00

Oh he's intelligent all right. He's mastered the fine art of weaponised incompetence.

Get rid of this deadweight, OP.

Agreed. He isn't adhd or add...i know a few people with adhd..1 add...and autism. They still know when they need to step up and do. This is case of not wanting to do. Im outta here i don't know what OP wants advice for as she has been given all scenarios

potatoheads · 28/10/2023 10:30

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 08:03

Surely even stuff like cooking can be made easy?

I find it really challenging now I have a child as she uses up most of my mental capacity. There are a lot of steps involved in cooking, including; meal planning, remembering what you need, remembering where the list is and to add to it, remembering to look at the list, stopping yourself from impulsively leaving the shop without half of your ingredients, remembering to follow the steps of the recipie, remembering to set and follow timers etc. Cooking requires a lot of executive functioning skills!

Im a very competent individual but even I’ve had to drop to very part time hours to have the mental capacity to be able to cook nutritious meals most nights for my 4 year old.

If you have a disability that stops you from getting stuff done, having a family is a nightmare and emphasises difficulties you were previously able to manage.

What is the solution. It can't be that the other person just works themselves into oblivion taking in all the workload

potatoheads · 28/10/2023 10:33

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 08:35

It remind me of those American high school jocks that are the prom kings and Mr popular

but twenty years later achieved very little of note and still harping on about his high school glory days

But those characters generally aren't stellar academically gifted students

potatoheads · 28/10/2023 10:42

@Eleganz It is really disappointing in the 21st century to see women with such negative attitudes to redundancy and the idea that they can't or shouldn't be the primary earners just because they have children.

If the man was taking even half the domestic chores then I doubt people would have an issue with him earning less than her. Expecting the main breadwinner with the more difficult outside job to also do the lions share of domestic work and carry 100% mental load is not a 21st February anomaly

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 11:15

potatoheads · 28/10/2023 10:33

But those characters generally aren't stellar academically gifted students

Show quote history

What’s your point?

but the equivalent sporting prowess of those jocks is the husband’s intelligence

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 11:17

cultureplanet · 28/10/2023 08:29

Op I have asked about your life but you either haven’t seen or choose not to answer

Do you have hobbies? Do you have friends?

Why don’t you want to answer this? It is relevant clearly

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 28/10/2023 11:40

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 00:58

@LameBorzoi Huh?? Who doesn't do normal stuff like cooking and shopping with 3 kids if you have 3 kids?? I mean not every time, this isn't Little House on the Prairie!!, but like regularly? I just give them age appropriate jobs to do to help me cook and/or employ a bit of electronic babysitting if their help isn't helping. I certainly don't stick to basic meals only just because all 3 of them are around.

And the issue here is the proportion of meals that fall to him. Since I am primary earner, he would ideally be cooking our main family meal 4 week days per week. That's a lot of just sticking to simple meals imo. In reality, I batch cook on Saturdays to cover at least a couple of those week nights but honestly it bugs me that I have to do this because it's a big old red flag that there's really only one adult in the house at least in the domestic sphere....

I think this is part of the problem. You're holding him up against your standard, and he is failing at it. Instead of finding a standard that he CAN live up to.

What is wrong with putting a butcher prepared meat dish in the oven (eg chicken Kiev, beef Wellington, chicken skewers etc) and some cut up vegetables into a saucepan and a packet of frozen wedges into the oven/air fryer and 'voila! A meal is cooked!' Without having to make the Kiev, Wellington, skewer yourself. Keep it simple.

And if he struggles with the DC at the supermarket, sit down with him and do some online shops, including some of those simple half prepared meals. Lunches can be some simple sandwiches or toasties. Doesn't have to be a fussy meal.

If he struggles too much then he will either do it badly or not at all! Try an alternative. And I suspect he finds the shopping hard because he doesn't like the types of meals that need lots of preparation time, or may not be able to get his head around them.

If he needs to get used to dealing with the toddler, then take the older 2 out of the house and leave him with just the toddler and let him get on with it. He probably didn't have to do much with the older 2 if you always stepped in.

chopc · 28/10/2023 12:36

@Howbadistoobad is this in UK? It would be illegal to not accommodate ADHD under the Equality act. In addition I think employers have changes and are more accommodating. You say he is very intelligent- they may want the best of him at work and therefore willing to adapt themselves

tinytemper66 · 28/10/2023 12:38

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:33

@cultureplanet No, not everything else. He's very, very intelligent like I said, really good at managing money, good to talk to about current affairs, we have a laugh about a lot of things. But life at home just seems a bit beyond him / gets him down.

He is clueless for a reason...
So he can watch you run around. He is taking you for a mug. Tell him to step up or fuck off. Stop enabling him. Let him do his fair share of chores and if he doesn't, then it doesn't get done.

ArborealArdour · 28/10/2023 12:51

NotLactoseFree · 28/10/2023 09:19

The first part of this actually makes me quite angry. He's not interested in a diagnosis? It's just a "label". The point is that a diagnosis allows him to access support and its not a "label" it's an actual diagnosis. Adhd in particular can be massively helped with medication and if you want a specific counsellor, actually being diagnosed with ADHD is pretty important.

The point is that he doesn't want to fix it. He likes his life. He doesn't have to fo a lot, all the other parents at sports group etc think he's just lovely etc.

He sounds less and less like my.lovely kind dh all the time.

Show quote history

This in spades OP.
Why should he fix anything?
He gets to do as the likes. He doesn't give a shit about your or his children.

Somehow men always get away with this. Plenty of us women with ADHD too but we can't just neglect the household.

FrustratedMumofBoys · 28/10/2023 12:52

I haven't read all the posts but if I'm honest it sounds very similar to my situation, other than we only have 2 kids to negotiate! My husband was diagnosed autistic and is very willing to help do anything but needs instructions and prompts! I have to leave lists everywhere and pretty much plan his days for him. It's exhausting I agree! But there are lots of positive things I love about him. He has a reasonable job but isn't particularly motivated to do better for himself, quite likes an easy life. Can "babysit" the kids but isn't particularly proactive about doing stuff with them unless I leave directions 🙈

Cadenza12 · 28/10/2023 12:57

He's not good at these things because he has zero interest. You have have a choice as to whether you put up with it or not. Maybe you should talk to him about what you need from him at this stage of your life. He's an intelligent guy, he may not want to risk everything. Or I guess that you could lower your expectations, will save a lot of angst.

FucksSakeSusan · 28/10/2023 13:03

He may be NT but that doesn't help your situation unless he's willing to seek a diagnosis and help. My experience of men of this age is that they won't because they don't feel that it's affecting them (the fact it deeply affects those around them doesn't even register), they don't think there's anything amiss, they don't want a "label", or a combination. Honestly it sounds like you've been effectively single parenting for a while and he's just a drain on your resources and money. I would get rid.

Hankunamatata · 28/10/2023 13:15

Did dh actively want 3 children? He doesn't sound very engaged.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2023 13:18

Loubelle70 · 28/10/2023 10:27

Agreed. He isn't adhd or add...i know a few people with adhd..1 add...and autism. They still know when they need to step up and do. This is case of not wanting to do. Im outta here i don't know what OP wants advice for as she has been given all scenarios

Show quote history

How do you know?

A person with any of the above is one person with any of the above.

They're all still individuals

Original poster
Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 13:57

@FrustratedMumofBoys can I ask how you feel about him as your partner given the level of facilitation you are doing for him? Do you find resentment and/or unmet expectations are an issue and if so how do you manage these please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 13:59

Oh and sorry everyone about my cluelessness about ADHD but can adults with ADHD take medication for it? I know kids can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 14:02

@Hankunamatata Yes he wanted 3 children.

OP posts:
FrustratedMumofBoys · 28/10/2023 14:08

It's not always easy. I certainly have days when I feel some resentment but generally I focus on all the good points and do what I can to help him be the best he can be. I could sit and dwell on how hard it is, but he'd be oblivious to that, so instead I tell him what I need him to do. We have some set ideas too so if I don't ask him to do something he should always do any laundry that needs doing or load/unload the dishwasher. They're things that always need doing so he doesn't then have to wait for me to ask. I guess having an autistic child has taught me some ways to help. Communication is key though and it needs to be quite clear and concise. If I harbour feelings internally then my husband wouldn't pick up on it. If I say I'm feeling really frustrated with you today, I need you to do x y and z to take the load off me, he'd do it. I absolutely know he loves me and the kids, he just doesn't show it in a typical way. And I love him, he'd never intentionally do anything to upset us, he's fun to be around and he does his best to look after us all. It just doesn't always translate into how I would expect him to show that. If I gave up then my children wouldn't have a meaningful relationship with their dad. I could meet a man who has far more faults and habits that I couldn't tolerate, so I choose to make it work with the man I love and who I know loves me. That was lengthy sorry!

TheHoover · 28/10/2023 18:30

@Howbadistoobad
I’m not a mental health professional but I am pretty sure that ASDs do not create the attitude of ‘helping you with the housework’ and ‘I do more than most so leave me alone’.

That is a product of his upbringing and outdated views on gender roles and I would hazard a guess that this contributes in no small way to his domestic helplessness / uselessness.

I do get the sense that you believe that he is a good guy deep down but he can surely be told to snap the fuck out of that attitude for good. Which might in turn bring about a touch more effort?

jeaux90 · 29/10/2023 09:07

Howbadistoobad · 28/10/2023 13:59

Oh and sorry everyone about my cluelessness about ADHD but can adults with ADHD take medication for it? I know kids can.

Yes they can

JMSA · 29/10/2023 09:10

No, no, no. Get rid.
There is literally no way you could respect this loser.

Dutch1e · 29/10/2023 09:21

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 10:03

OK.

Radical suggestion.

Go away for the weekend.

Tell him straight, you've had enough of his learned incompetence. You have three children but it feels like you have four. It's bloody shameful that when he's with the kids your 12 year old is the closest thing to an adult in the room.

Tell him he's on his own for the weekend with all three kids and he will need to feed them and keep them happy and occupied and keep the house under control and basically do all the things you do every bloody day, because you will be off having a spa weekend by yourself.

Tell him you need this time because you never, ever get a break, and you're starting to feel that your life would be easier and less stressful without him.

Tell him that if he doesn't enjoy his weekend alone with the children then he needs to pull his head out of his arse and start adulting the rest of the time when you are there, because if you leave him he is going to have every other weekend alone with the children. So he has no choice. Either he adults with you all the time, or he will have to adult on his own because you will have divorced him.

Show quote history

I like this, although I'd take the 12 year old. Sounds like she deserves a pampering break from his chronic ineptitude too!

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