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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should he stay or should he go?

279 replies

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 06:26

My DH is just a bit too clueless on the adulting, parenting and domestic front. Our eldest is 12 and we have a house, two cars, 3 kids and 2 pets so really he should be into the swing of this by now!

Examples of things he can't really do:
Earning - he's literally the brainiest man on earth but has no clue about how to get on at work. Has had three jobs in his life and has been made redundant twice. Currently on a temporary contract. Will be interesting to see if they make him permanent. He is currently saying it is a certainty but I bet they will find plausible excuses and not. As a result I have stepped up my career to be primary earner, which would not be my preference as a mum of three with one still not yet at school tbh.

Cooking - needs to be told what to cook and left a recipe. If it's anything beyond basic he'll get v stressed and shout at the kids while he's doing it so I return home to miserable, stressed children (and increasingly DD12 will have stepped in to rescue him either from the cooking or the younger two but then she will blame me for leaving her to deal with it all)

Shopping - again needs spoon feeding with detailed list. Quicker to just go to supermarket myself. Can't take more than one kid with him because apparently too stressful. ???

Choosing lunch/snack for kids or even himself - I'll arrive home an hour after lunch or after school and they'll have had nothing because he was "waiting for me". They will be climbing the walls or helping themselves. Basically he just doesn't seem to know how to put a bit of lunch out from the fridge. Left to himself he just snacks on weird beige food like Weetabix several times in a day or toast and butter. If I didn't put fruit and veg on his plate I don't think it would occur to him to eat any.

Caring for the kids - Being at home with the kids just seems to make him and them stressed. Youngest one in particular hates being left with dad. At one time, he was our primary carer doing 2 days per week but he got really depressed. I was having to make sure he was awake and up before I could leave for work so had to stop that. I am not actually sure he has ever taken all 3 kids anywhere on his own. He would treat it as a military operation. He doesn't know what to do if the little one (DD) needs the toilet, basics like that.

He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.

My question is: would my life be easier with this kind of annoying help from Slightly Clueless Husband or as a single parent of 3?

OP posts:

gazpachosoupday · 27/10/2023 07:02

Reading your OP, I was thinking this is not normal, even for being incompetent to get you to do it for him. But then I got to the hobbies part, which sounds like he can learn and do stuff that interest him, but then why bother doing anything else when you will swoop in and do it for him and if you are not there, his daughter will now do it, which tbh is not a good lesson for a child.

Maybe he does have something like ADHD, that might fit in what you are saying including the hobbies part.

Regardless of the above, I would leave, for nothing else, but to teach my child, that this type of shit was unacceptable.

Sparklfairy · 27/10/2023 07:06

So he can learn when it interests him.

And there it is.

TheHoover · 27/10/2023 07:09

What’s his relationship like with his parents? Im thinking maybe he was golden boy growing up and has somehow managed to get quite far in life without having to try very hard / do shit and boring stuff.

Perthsmurf · 27/10/2023 07:16

What effort have you made to address this with him OP? Have you gone through any counselling? That would be the obvious place to try and improve things, as you’ll both be very set in your ways now (him not making the effort on the domestic front and you enabling this). You need someone outside to speak to.

He needs to go if it doesn’t change, though-things like having to get him out of bed when he was the main carer is ridiculous behaviour from you both. You should have set your boundaries (it’s his responsibility to get up by a certain time, not yours to get him up) and you should have let him deal with the consequences of not doing that.

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 07:21

@Lengokengo Yeah, Financial Services was a good skills fit but just a really bad personality fit. He's shy and from a very humble (northern) background, the conspicuous consumption made him uncomfortable and also he was completely resistant to handing over every waking hour to his employer when it came to it - thought they should all be going to the union!! He only met anyone with any connection to the City at uni.

OP posts:

gelatogina · 27/10/2023 07:22

I can’t believe you had three kids when you are both clearly so unhappy. One was maybe enough?

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 07:24

@TheHoover Yes yes the golden boy. When he got his (fabulous) A-level results he was literally on the front page of the paper. So not just the golden boy for his parents but for many of his teachers, the parish etc (Catholic school)

OP posts:

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 07:24

Op how have you managed to get yourself in this situation where you really do seem to be unaware of how…. Shite this is

what is your life like? Hobbies? Friends?

Flyhigher · 27/10/2023 07:25

What hobbies and sports?

Motnight · 27/10/2023 07:26

cultureplanet · 27/10/2023 06:44

Your children will grow up thinking that this is the normal dynamic between mum and dad

Mum doing everything
Dad doing very little and when he does do something - it’s not right and he gets stressed and shouty and mum gets pissed off

Yep .

Khvdrt · 27/10/2023 07:30

Well you’re already a single parent to 4 children so I suspect being one to 3 children who will learn and grow would be easier. What was he living like when you met? I sometimes feel these things only happen because they know they’ll be rescued and if actually left to it they’d sort themselves out

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 07:31

@Flyhigher Well when he was a kid in a working class part of the north, football and an individual sport that his dad still coaches. When I met him he was on the uni team for the individual sport.

Now we are a lot more middle class so his 3 sports are football plus a couple that are pretty standard middle class, middle aged men stuff. One is a long afternoon most Saturdays through the season which grates. But all his friends come from these hobbies and having a good group of male friends is what keeps the depression away for him.

OP posts:

Khvdrt · 27/10/2023 07:32

I’d be worried about the dynamic you mentioned where your 12 year old rescues him then blames you. They’re already playing into dad being useless and you’re getting the blame rather than him

WandaWonder · 27/10/2023 07:35

He can't be that incompetent if you both managed to have 3 kids, unless triplets?

Original poster

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 07:38

@Khvdrt Yeah I picked that up when I read my own post back. New thing to be irked by!

OP posts:

Gillypie23 · 27/10/2023 07:45

Hes only good at things he enjoys. He's taking the piss out of you and you're letting him.
He must have been useless when you met him. You went on to marry and have kids with him.

Starseeking · 27/10/2023 07:48

What is the actual point of this man? He is a drain on your life in every aspect.

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 07:49

Hes only good at things he enjoys. He's taking the piss out of you

Not necessarily. If there are disability reasons there will be a genuine reason why he’s shite at house stuff. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated my husband had to do all of the cleaning as I couldn’t maintain my attention long enough to finish the task.

There’s lots of people with ADHD who excel at academics but struggle with day to day life as an adult

burnoutbabe · 27/10/2023 07:50

Surely even stuff like cooking can be made easy?

I don't "cook" but I am happy to be in charge of meals half the week and then we have pizza or breaded chicken, wedges and peas. Or a cottage pie /fish pie with garlic bread. Stuff you just put in oven. It's not hard, it just involves a timer on your phone. (No kids here)

So just tell him he is in charge of 2 meals and leave him to it.

He doesn't sound at all intelligent to me if he can't work out easy solutions to contributing to a household.

TedMullins · 27/10/2023 07:57

Howbadistoobad · 27/10/2023 07:21

Personally I completely agree with him on this, there’s literally no amount of money you could ever pay me to give up a work/life balance. That’s not a failing on his part to question the toxic culture in finance, and I’m not sure how redundancies are his fault unless you suspect his personality put him in the firing line? Did he go on to find another career that suits him though?

He does sound pretty useless at home which must be frustrating, if he works less he should be doing more with the kids/domestically but you say he can’t cope with that. He sounds a lot like me tbh - I’m awful at most life admin, especially cooking. And I do have ADHD. Maybe he does, or maybe he’s just a lazy git. The main problem is it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything to help himself or you. Have you told him quite how incompetent he is and how it impacts on you? Ultimately you can leave a relationship for any reason you want.

TedMullins · 27/10/2023 07:59

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 07:49

Hes only good at things he enjoys. He's taking the piss out of you

There’s lots of people with ADHD who excel at academics but struggle with day to day life as an adult

Yes this is true (ADHD). My partner does all the cooking because if he didn’t we’d be living on a piece of toast and a protein bar a day. When I lived alone I had a very limited cooking repertoire but would often skip meals and just have cereal or yoghurt or toast because food shopping and cooking scrambles my brain and stresses me out so much.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 27/10/2023 08:01

With many around me neuro diverse my first thoughts is exactly that he seems to lack executive function. I don't at all think you're being unreasonable to be frustrated however there's age gaps between the kids this can't of all just appeared over night. I think you need to sit down and either Jointly plan on improving or leave its not fair on either of you or eldest

Loubelle70 · 27/10/2023 08:02

'He's not totally useless at everything btw. He is really v good at hobbies. He's taken a new big team sport up in the last couple of years and is clearly getting pretty good at it. And he has a hobby at home that he is a total perfectionist about, completely self taught. So he can learn when it interests him.'

You've answered your own question in a way. If it interests him he is all in when it comes to something he WANTS to do.
I was with someone 25 year who was like this ...it was horrendous..i was run ragged. Its not ADD or ADHD. Its selective doing. Personally...id get rid. May as well be single parent without the added extra of man child

DsTTy · 27/10/2023 08:03

Surely even stuff like cooking can be made easy?

I find it really challenging now I have a child as she uses up most of my mental capacity. There are a lot of steps involved in cooking, including; meal planning, remembering what you need, remembering where the list is and to add to it, remembering to look at the list, stopping yourself from impulsively leaving the shop without half of your ingredients, remembering to follow the steps of the recipie, remembering to set and follow timers etc. Cooking requires a lot of executive functioning skills!

Im a very competent individual but even I’ve had to drop to very part time hours to have the mental capacity to be able to cook nutritious meals most nights for my 4 year old.

If you have a disability that stops you from getting stuff done, having a family is a nightmare and emphasises difficulties you were previously able to manage.

jeaux90 · 27/10/2023 08:05

OP I'm a lone parent of 13 years and my life and DD14 has been way less stressful as I've got a great career and outsourced a lot of stuff to people who get paid for doing it. Cleaning, wraparound child care etc etc.

You are teaching your kids a very unhealthy relationship dynamic.

If you still love him I'd tell him how you feel, get him to go private for a diagnosis as he does sound ND (a lot like my DD) and medication has helped. Then if he is also get couples counselling.

Living like this is not sustainable for you or your kids. It's divorce or deal with it.

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