DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

[zarasmyworld]

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

You’ve had some horrible replies OP, there’s plenty of MIL bashing going on.
Personally I think what she said is awful and I can totally understand how hurt you are. Yes you should get an apology, they should both be ashamed that it was ever sent.
I would be absolutely gutted if my DIL said that to me, things would never be the same again.

Sorry but still doesn't make it ok.

You either want them in your life or not. If not have the balls to say so and lose the inheritance. Jesus can't believe people can actually act like this for money!!

Terrible absolutely terrible.

But it's not her own husband that DIL says is a mug?

DIL says her FIL is a mug for putting up with MIL??

Because there is a GC and you don’t want to fall out with your son… I wd park it, be extra nice and make it clear you have forgotten it and moved on. Just shrug it off … as if it is perfectly normal, as if you don’t really care. (Obviously you are gutted but nothing will be won by drama).

Alcohol is a neurotoxin. It reduces inhibitions and can result in people saying things they want to say. Equally, it impairs intellect so she's either become confident enough to tell you the truth or so thick she doesn't know her arse from her head!

Honestly not sure what to make of the excuse she made cos it was an excuse and should have been preceeded or followed by a huge apology. I think it's how she feels.

What a bitchy thing to do rather than talk to you.

I'm so sorry your DIL isn't a big enough person to talk to you. I hope you can make it all work out.

OP just to be clear her behaviour was appalling and you are right to be upset.

But you seem strangely passive and defensive about this. This thread has been running for 13 pages and you have not once expressed any degree of real self-reflection about what has brought her to this point.

I'm absolutely not saying you deserved this behaviour or even that she is right. I can't know the answer to whether she's right and even if she is right her behaviour was still wildly offensive.

But there is clearly more to this than you are prepared to share on here. It's inconceivable that an apparently quiet, mousy woman with whom you've had a cordial history, who is married to you son and who usually drinks moderately would get blind drunk and spew bile down the phone at you for no reason. I just don't buy it.

She clearly is very upset and this has been building for some time about something. It may not even be about you, but this hasn't come out of the blue. It may be too late to reset the relationship and you should definitely tread carefully around it. And yes you should have an apology if she wants to repair things.

But you do also need to start asking yourself some difficult questions about what it is in the dynamic between you and her, or what it is in her own marriage or her life, which has brought her to this point. There simply has to be more to this than you are letting on and you won't have any hope of moving past it if you can't at least consider whether you've played any part in this.

Hmmmm. It’s interesting that she now says she can’t remember why she left such a message.
Perhaps this is how your dil feels and can only say it when she’s drunk? Why would anyone leave a message like that if there wasn’t some truth to it?
If this is the case, and she does feel like this about you, you have to either forget it was ever said, which it sounds like they both want to do, or talk to her about why she feels that way and how you can move her on from here.

I agree , it doesn’t.

But (if it were you) who would you believe: your child (son/ daughter) or DIL /SIL?

Some people would rather believe beautiful lie than accept harsh truth . 🤝

You are mad, this obviously has a backstory, even if she denies it.

Pure Class 😀

Like others, I’d like to know if both your DS & DIL have heard the message?

I think it’s extraordinary after 15 years of their relationship that she suddenly does this. There have to have been many conversations between your DS & his wife in the background before this.

From my experience, men are weak in situations like this & want an easy life. Your DS lives with her & he’ll do whatever it takes to keep her happy/off his back. It’s important to bear that in mind if you want to maintain a relationship with them and your grand children going forward. I imagine she’s entrenched in whatever views she has & he is fully aware of them. He will however always take her side, no matter what his view is.

In vino veritas. She feels this way even if she can't remember saying it. Otherwise she would be leaving the same voicemail to everyone else in her contacts list!

Was your DS with her when she left the message?

Did she refer to any specific incidents in her voicemail that give you a clue about her thoughts? Have you played the voicemail to them to hear back with sober ears?

Sorry but I’d have it out with the little minx; something is festering away in her I’d arrange to meet with her alone & have a very frank discussion telling her you don’t believe she was so drunk she cannot remember what she said & that you don’t believe for one second she didn’t believe it either but what you do want is to know why? Because you can’t think of one reason she’s got for feeling like this; so please enlighten you; she going to squirm her way out of it but stand firm if she insists that it was a drunken error tell her the relationship is forever & that it is of her doing that you will be civil for your Ds & Dgc sakes but that your done with her & running crying to Ds will not change your mind because you know he will understand eventually.

Yes OP, (if you are still reading) do this and destroy any chance of seeing your DGC again.

😂😂😂

I’d be sending her and son both the same text….
I’d say I was extremely hurt and upset to receive such a vile message from someone you’ve considered
family for 15 years, that you’re unsure where it came from, but your experience tells you nothing is said when drunk that
the person doesn’t at least feel a small amount… I’d then ask what was meant by this and that and finish the text with a ‘sorry if I have in some way upset you both or not been a good enough mother or grandmother but I’ve done my best
and can only hope that my best has been enough, I’d like to think that any issues can be discussed in a mature sober way and resolved rather than left to explode while one is drunk!
If she genuinely didn’t mean what she’s said I would expect a response or phone call saying so and for her to apologise and be really upset that she’s upset you… if they get defensive and say you need to let it go,
then you know she’s not sorry and you just need to be careful in future and maybe not open future messages from her that have been left after pub closing time!!

as a mil too I know that jealousy from dil can happen. Its nothing to do with you - unless as others have said there is any history here but you have said there isn't - I think she may be jealous of your relationship with her husband. that is her burden to carry, your son loves you and his wife it's different love she needs to grow up - but I'm sure you don't want to lose your friendship with your son perhaps you can say to him you would like to see him and the children ( if there are any ) without dil for a few months put an end date on the meet ups and ask him to let her know why - to let her know your feelings are hurt and at the end of that time perhaps you will feel able to see her again - she should get the message and hopefully apologise; being drunk is no excuse for offensive behaviour.

Way to fan the flames 🙄

If it was truly a drunken mistake, she’d be apologetic. But neither she nor your DS are.
It sounds like there are grandchildren , given your son hasn’t disagreed with her, I’d tread warily.
What do you want to happen? You can’t forget this, but I’d be mindful of bigger issues, like losing touch with your grandchildren

I would be tempted to react in a way that wouldn't be helpful but actually I would send an email or message explaining calmly that whilst they may wish to ignore this and move on, that's not really possible.

You'd like to forget and move on but you need to know what's behind it to give you the chance to address whatever is the issue.

It's madness that they think glossing over this is even possible.

The idea that people only tell the truth when they are drunk is laughable, and putting it in Latin (in vino veritas) doesn't make it any more true. When I'm drunk, I will say all sorts of things to get a reaction, and there doesn't have to be a reason for it. It's the main reason I never have more than one drink now.

Having said that, it sounds like your DIL doesn't really like you. The reason for that doesn't really matter because it's probably something you can't fix (a personality clash rather than something you can apologise for or stop doing/saying). She doesn't have to like you, but the two of you do need to work out a way to muddle along which doesn't affect your grandchildren. My mother hated her MIL and it was awful for me. My grandmother wasn't in any way perfect, but she loved me and was a far better grandparent to me than my mother was a parent. Please try to make sure that the children don't become aware of this, it will really hurt them.

I wouldn't normally suggest talking to your son about his wife, but in this case it might be better if he could mediate and you can agree on a way forward. It will probably mean limiting the time you have to spend with her, but it doesn't need to involve major drama. There might be one thing she dislikes doing (Sunday dinner, or visiting on set days, or whatever, in which case she could limit her attendance, or you could agree to not do a specific thing that annoys her. I don't know the specifics,obviously, but if a way can be found to make family relationships easier (and you promise to never throw this incident back in her face) then you can all benefit.

I know it's tempting to get stuck on wanting an apology, but this might well be a case of least said, soonest mended. The way forward does need to be talked about, probably through your son if she won't engage directly with you, but going over this won't help in the long term.

Things like that don't come out of nowhere.

Either way, I'd be giving her a very wide berth moving forward.

I'd still apologise even if I couldn't remember, or may be she does but using being drunk as an excuse. My apology would be for the torrid language.

Maybe your DS has spoken to her but he is unsure what to say to you about it. You probably should play it to him so he knows what was actually said. If you don't address this soon though your relationship will always be awkward. Maybe you and your husband could sit them down and try to find out what the problem is as there obviously is one and take it from there.

I totally agree with this. It’d be very interesting to hear the DIL’s version of events. I don’t think the OP is going to come back to the thread, or elaborate more on what she was accused of, as there’s probably some truth in what the DIL said and the OP won’t want to admit it.