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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 27/10/2023 11:18

Mariposista · 26/10/2023 16:47

She sounds about 15! Your son sure knows how to pick a charmer! Very ladylike behaviour there!

Don't stoop to her level. Ignore her completely, and focus on the relationship with your son and GC.

This. Build up a very close relationship with your son and his children. Don't stoop to her level.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 27/10/2023 12:04

Wonkasworld · 26/10/2023 22:04

So a woman calling another woman a slag or a tart isn't internalised misogyny? I don't think I'm the idiot.

Show quote history

You know perfectly well it was a joke.

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 15:57

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 10:21

I'm impressed by those that are blaming the DS, the OP hasn't said alot about him but for some on here he is carrying an awful lot of blame.
TBH its as funny as those spouting DiL apologist.

Well apparently the son is a "mug" for putting up with her.

So where do you think this has likely come from.

DIL isn't cross at MIL about their relationship. She's cross about the portrayed relationship between MIL and son.

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 16:05

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 15:57

Well apparently the son is a "mug" for putting up with her.

So where do you think this has likely come from.

DIL isn't cross at MIL about their relationship. She's cross about the portrayed relationship between MIL and son.

Show quote history

It was the husband that was a mug for putting up with the OP

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 17:53

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 16:05

It was the husband that was a mug for putting up with the OP

Show quote history

That's literally exactly what I've said. That's the point.

Where has DIL got this out of the blue perception that DH is a mug for putting up with his mother...

pebbles8811 · 27/10/2023 18:19

There’s got to be more to this, she wouldn’t say all these things if there wasn’t some truth in there. Also your DIL describes my MIL to a tee 🤣🤣

pollymere · 27/10/2023 18:21

Maybe you are a lovely person. However. I could easily do this and I've been married nearly 25 years. My MIL is apparently oblivious and my DH sees it as wasted breath. It's caused a lot of arguments and damage to our marriage over the years. I hope that helps.

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 18:25

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 17:53

That's literally exactly what I've said. That's the point.

Where has DIL got this out of the blue perception that DH is a mug for putting up with his mother...

Show quote history

Maybe there is more to the story than the OP is putting forward.

MissingMoominMamma · 27/10/2023 18:26

I wouldn’t be asking for an apology; I’d be asking if that’s how she really feels and how we could repair things.

Buggersticks · 27/10/2023 18:38

There's a saying "A drunken man speaks a sober mind" ... so I'm guessing DIL upset about something. I don't buy the don't mean/don't remember excuse.

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/10/2023 18:39

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

Grin
LeonBlack · 27/10/2023 18:47

In vino veritas - she clearly hates you.

I don't know that there's any comeback from this, even if she apologises.

You will have to try and ignore it for the sake of civility and maybe work out why she feels this way.

ErikaReadsTheDailyMail · 27/10/2023 18:55

I'd sit them both down and put it on loudspeaker. It's the least they can do. And watch VERY closely their reactions as they hear it. It will be very telling.

Lastchancechica · 27/10/2023 18:59

LeonBlack · 27/10/2023 18:47

In vino veritas - she clearly hates you.

I don't know that there's any comeback from this, even if she apologises.

You will have to try and ignore it for the sake of civility and maybe work out why she feels this way.

🙄

Tbry · 27/10/2023 19:04

pollymere · 27/10/2023 18:21

Maybe you are a lovely person. However. I could easily do this and I've been married nearly 25 years. My MIL is apparently oblivious and my DH sees it as wasted breath. It's caused a lot of arguments and damage to our marriage over the years. I hope that helps.

My partners mum too for nearly 20years. So damaging to our relationship and one of the very few things we have had blazing rows about. I’m currently not speaking to her.

Crafthead · 27/10/2023 19:06

I think the question is more why she feels like that... In vino veritas...
YANBU to upset, that would very upsetting, and being drunk us no excuse. Are they afraid of opening a larger can of worms?

Birdsmakingnests · 27/10/2023 19:10

From one mother in law / grandmother to another ,
hold your tonge, do not forget, do not forgive , and hopefully she won’t isolate your son from you, sending 🧡

Ilovecleaning · 27/10/2023 19:11

I CBA reading the whole thread but my response if I were you would depend on whether or not they have children. If there are no children, fuck her off. If there are children, ie your grand children, I would find a way to mend things - even if it’s not genuine.

MadMadaMim · 27/10/2023 19:11

The challenge with Narcissists is that it's almost impossible fir them to recognise and accept their narcissism.

Maybe you are. Maybe asking someone who knows you very well and who will be honest with you. . If it turns out you are, you probably wouldn't be able to accept it anyway so is it worth knowing?

One thing to point out which reveals how you see certain things is your comment about your son 'letting' his wife speak to you in a certain way... She's an adult. She can make her own decisions. There's no 'letting'. He's not her lord and master controlling and allowing what she does and does not do.

A member of my family is a text book narcissist. They're completely unaware. The few times we've tried to address their issues, attitude, manipulative behaviour etc, have been pointless. They do not have the capacity to even contemplate it could be true. And they now wonder why the GC, immediate and wider family have less and less contact with them.

Boysnana · 27/10/2023 19:23

I would forget about it. Leave her to fester in her poisoned mind. Just enjoy your day.

Tbry · 27/10/2023 19:26

I don’t think you are going to get an apology and you now know that there is a problem (it has just been unspoken until now). I hope, for your sake, it’s only really something minor that can be easily fixed. But it’s rarely that simple. And no I am not on the side of the DIL as all families have difficult members so without more details cannot tell.

There is usually no smoke without fire though, in my and my partners case we have extremely difficult relationships with both of my parents and both of his (one of which has only ever met me twice in 2 decades and made me stand outside on the pavement). Apart from that parent the other three would all say everything’s fine however dreadful they have been.

My partners mother, whilst a guest staying in our house a few years ago, called me very derogatory names (I have never married and have a child so those sorts of names), decided it was just her sons house and I should think myself lucky to be allowed to live here (we have a joint mortgage), got so drunk we had to remove her car keys from her and kept bringing unknown drunk men to our front door among many other things so we had to ask her to leave. Comments were whilst sober and drunk and summed up everything I always thought she thought about me.

She is still under the impression we are great friends and it’s all OK and water under the bridge and I am still expected to go and see her buy Christmas presents etc.

Crafthead · 27/10/2023 19:28

They're laughing because it's inappropriate. That's why it's funny.

Crafthead · 27/10/2023 19:28

They're laughing because it's inappropriate. That's why it's funny.

Tbry · 27/10/2023 19:29

dogmandu · 26/10/2023 18:42

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

Many people on here have found this very funny and said they'd do the same. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I don't find it funny at all and I'd never lower myself to do it. I think it's pretty spiteful to be honest. I'm surprised so many people would go down this path.

It’s not funny at all. My partners mother has called me similar to my face. I had no idea how to react as I had to think about my partners feelings as that’s his mum that he loves.

billy1966 · 27/10/2023 19:31

I would be definitely recording that message on my phone and sending it to both of them.

I would then tell them that I am very hurt but am open to hearing what I have done to deserve such vitriol from her.

What your DIL did is not normal.

They both need to hear it.

I agree with the poster you quoted that she really doesn't like you and you need to find out why.

If she is normally quiet, it sounds like a pressure keg situation

You are the caused of such strife between them and your son is a mug?

That sounds like an ongoing issue that has finally boiled over.

Are you very demanding of him and his time?

Brushing such vitriol under the carpet will be too difficult, so best to get an idea where it comes from and can it be fixed.

Be prepared perhaps hear some hard things that may hurt, but at least you can try to rebuild the relationship.

I have no doubt it would have been very shocking to hear.

I would absolutely hate to be a bone of contention in my childrens marriage so whilst you have every reason to be very hurt, reflect on it honestly before you speak to them.

Wishing you well.