DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

[zarasmyworld]

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

Leave your DIL a very nasty message on her voicemail telling her exactly how you feel about her. Next day act like nothing happened. If someone asks just say you went out drinking last night and don't remember a thing. Continue acting as if nothing happened.

Devil's advocate here... as someone who absolutely has a spiteful and narcissistic mother in law, I can sympathise that the whole dynamic is a nightmare to navigate.

Completely agree that she was out of line in the way that she did it. However, if she has heard it back and hasn't apologised then im guessing she's probably a bit shocked and embarrassed about how she handled it but is standing by what she said. As for your son, if he definitely didn't agree then I would imagine it's caused a hell of a row in their household and he's a bit bruised and embarrassed himself or maybe he actually agrees and doesn't know how to handle it as he loves you but doesn't like your behaviour.

Speaking from experience, there was a huge row that myself and my husband didn't start, it got really nasty so in a face to face I gave her both barrels which shocked everyone to be honest as I too am very quiet but couldn't put up with the bullsh*t any longer. Still to this day I stand by what I said as I gave examples of said behaviour which nobody could dispute. My husband was very quiet, probably in shock too but ultimately stood up for me in the end when it all came down to it and he told her she needs to change her behaviour or there wouldn't be a relationship to repair.

If I could give you any advice I would definitely do some looking at your own behaviour to see if you can figure out where you pushed the boundary. Then I would have a calm, sit down chat with them both and say that you want to hear how they are feeling and you really want to repair this so what can we all do? If she shuts you down then you'll know its her problem but if she gives you reasons for why she feels like this, and if you aren't an actual narcissist then you will hear her out and work to move forward. Good luck :)

🤣🤣

Did your husband hear the message OP - if so, what did he think?

Reminds me of that quote:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

You know your DIL secretly (not so secretly) really meant what she said in her message, as the drink she'd had made her possibly more uninhibited than usual.

Whether she meant it or not though, this must have really hurt and make you wonder if this is how she's felt for more than a decade. Unsure where to go from here. 🌹

In my opinion/experience having "drink taken " is used as an excuse for all kinds of unacceptable behaviour. Yes alcohol lessens inhibitions but it takes someone to be almost blackout drunk to get rid of them entirely which would also render them incoherent. The "amnesia"" is usually how they attempt to escape being responsible for their actions. Having said all that , I would play the longer game. If that's what she really thinks it will undoubtedly come up again but I wouldn't risk losing your relationship with your son because of her. Maybe it really was a one off.
In the meantime , turn the other cheek while also killing her with kindness. Buy her your usual level of gift , welcome her to your home and don't even mention the message, if she meant it , it's only her opinion and your son obviously knows what you're really like and doesn't think its worth taking seriously. She has used her one and only get out of jail free card, no one would expect you to give her another

Absolutely this.

Levity!

Of course it wasn't meant seriously.

I just panic checked my outgoing calls to make sure this post isn’t about me!

What will an apology/explanation get you? Is there a backstory?

No idea if that's narcissist behaviour but your bil sounds like a Jekyll and Hyde fruit loop. I don't blame you for keeping a distance.

We have someone like that, he's very weird and not normal. I keep a civil distance and pointedly ignore his bizarre outbursts. I wouldn't choose to have anything to do with him, but he's there so I just politely blank him 🙂 he hates that cos he loves getting a reaction.

That smells like a drinking problem to me.

I'd be furious that it was said and furious there was no apology

The same would apply the other way round. I dont think it means people control each other just that he should defend his own parents from an onslaught from his wife.

I actually disagree that she means it. If she remembers nothing she's probably had a blackout. People say and do things completely out of character during a blackout. Things can literally come out of nowhere that people don't mean or think, certainly not consciously.

Yes my husband has very pretentious relationship with his mother and it certainly put unnecessary stress on our marriage.

Sadly we don’t know the FULL story.

Alcohol loosens the lips - im an extremely honest drunk so have to be careful because all that tongue biting i do eventually will be spewed out. People dont just go on one of these drunken tirades without some background to it. The fact your son doesnt think she should apologise also reflects he is thinking there's truth in what she said.

So either there is some back story to this and she has had enough or she is a complete bitch.

Yes an apology for the drunken outburst would be nice, if she doesnt remember (maybe play the message back to her) or if she does remember. Because even if it's true she was rude.

Trouble is if she is right and you are a narcissist then you wont see fault in what you do or admit you might have upset them to cause this. So talking it through will achieve nothing.

However if she is wrong and you arent then you would want to clear the air and find out why this was said - alcohol doesnt invent historical events, it unleashes them so something has happened somewhere.

I married a narcissist so i know full well how difficult a situation it is. I also had him call me a narcissist because he was trying to cover up the abuse and blacklisted me with everyone we knew to hide it.

So maybe you all need to think about what you want from this going forward do you want to repair the family or cut them out? Can you move on after this or is it a game changer? Because if you want to continue a relationship then you need the truth from them, warts and all and then you need to not hold it over them - clear the air and close the book. If needed make changes. Dont go dragging it up over and over. If you cant do that then you have to sever all ties.

Sometimes kids maintain very artificial relationship with mum/dad for any reason.

Mu husband’s reason is inheritance

How do you know your son disagrees with his wife??

I was about to suggest the same! Give her a taste of her own medicine then smile sweetly when, possibly, challenged by her or Ds & claim you “cant remember saying that, must be a reaction to some medication you had to take.. “ 😂

In all seriousness, I’m shocked you haven’t received an apology regardless of whether she was drunk or not, and your DS should be pushing for an apology from her or at very least apologising on her behalf (though it’s not the same). It would be good all round to get to bottom of her outburst though, coz family fallouts have far reaching, long term negative implications. Good luck 🍀

ive never been drunk because i dont drink and probably cant tell what influence people are under when they are drunk .
i think you definitely need an apology from her if she says she cant remember saying these things and you forgive but my question is was she drunk enough to be able to select her mother in laws phone number out of all numbers on her phone ?

I think if someone genuinely didn't remember and were told they had said vile things, they would apologise profusely.

Certainly not think denying recalling it would suffice.

I recall reading in Billy Connolly's autobiography that he said that when drunk he had, '...told people I love that I hate them and told people I hate that I love them'.

I have two theories:

1: They were having an argument and your son did it on her phone to bring trouble to her door

2: They were having an argument and she did it to bring trouble to his door

Oh, absolutely this.

Well fine, if you never want to speak to your DS again. Otherwise don't do that. If she was drunk and forgets I would let it go with her but think about what she said and ask myself if she had any justification for saying this.

Maybe be the bit where you say your son shouldn't let her speak to you like this, is a clue.

This could also be the case. But I always take the OP at face value, you can't really advise otherwise.

One of two things has happened here. OP is indeed everything DIL called her out on. And either unaware, or knows perfectly well.

Or, OP is baffled as to where this has come from, and given the comments about how she makes a mug of son/husband it suggests he has been telling his wife nasty things about OP. It also explains his urgency that OP says nothing to DIL.

Someone once told me that a lot of their issues were down to their mother abandoning them, and putting them in care. They gained my empathy, sympathy, support. I met the mother, and had such low opinion. The character in my mind had been formed. Later, I spoke of the time in care, she was horrified at the story. I then spoke about other horrible things I had been informed she had done. All untrue. And neither of us would have been the wiser until I broached the subject.

Perhaps it's because I see such similarities that I'm pretty sure it's the son.

If you think it is on your son to tell her what she can and can not say then maybe she is sick of it. What expectation do you have of your son's actions to stop her saying things.