DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

[zarasmyworld]

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

I think if someone genuinely didn't remember and were told they had said vile things, they would apologise profusely. Certainly not think denying recalling it would suffice. Completely agree that they should. Sometimes people are just mortified though. Tbh I was more addressing the posters who were saying that OP must have done something, or that the DIL must really mean it. The DIL has behaved terribly by not sorting this out. The fact her son is also sweeping it under the carpet is a bit odd. Maybe they had a massive drunken row and he said some stuff about OP not liking her or whatever and she left the message. Who knows?

I totally agree with this. I would go around to their house when both your son and dil are together and say you want to sort this out. Then you can replay the message that she left and watch their faces and see what comes out if thus. Being face to face is so much better then there's no escaping thus or making pitiful excuses via messages

No, get a male friend to leave her a message

My MIL is manipulative etc. My husband (her son) and I are always shocked and offended by her but don't bother pulling her up anymore for various reasons, the top reason being we can't be bothered with the drama and dont see her enough to bother. Anyway she has absolutely no idea we feel this way about her - she comes over for dinner, we host, we smile etc but when she leaves we breathe a sigh of relief. She has absolutely no idea we feel this way because we rarely confront her and choose the easy life instead.

Anyway my point being could this be a similar scenario. Do ds and dil tolerate your usual behavior but when drunk it had all come out?? I hope not but it is possible. Either way leaving that message was super nasty.

That's horrible and lacks so much integrity. I would hate to think this of my children!

Two things that jump out to me are

1. you seem more focused on an apology than getting to the bottom of the issue
2. ”he shouldn’t let her speak to me like this”

of course you’ve posted when upset but neither of those things paint you in the best light to be honest

Horrible to stay in touch with a parent just for the inheritance.

Not quite the same, but a few years ago I rang the residential house where my disabled daughter lived (she has now moved). I had a long chat with the house manager who I had thought liked me and I thought that she and I respected each itger.

After our chat, the manager forgot to put the phone down and she started talking to another staff member about me. I couldn’t believe the highly unpleasant things she said about me, how vitriolic she was.

I called down the phone several times that she hadn’t put the phone down. I was horrified and hurt. I was also keen to hear what she was saying: as house manager her views of us as a family and her care of my daughter are so important.

After a few minutes I hung up. When her manager spoke to her after my complaint to her the following day, she pretended she had been talking about someone else, But she hadn’t.

I suspect that your DiL has had negative thoughts about you for some time. I’m afraid that some people simply don’t like people who they perceive as being ‘on the other side’ from them. I think you can try to forget it. But it will be difficult.

Do hope all goes as well as possible. 🌷🌷🌷

Typo alert: ‘Itger’ is other, of course!

🙄

This is one of those threads I wish I'd seen earlier because I'd like to voice an opinion but what I have to say has maybe been said many times already. And for once I'm not going to read the whole thread.

But IF this has come genuinely out of the blue with no history and IF dil and ds have honestly said you need to forget about it and no harm was meant ...

THEN I would be seriously concerned about dil and her drinking habits and worried that ds is trying to cover up terrible drunken behaviour out of shame or loyalty or something.

Your hurt feelings aren't the primary issue here. Your dil's health is.

She owes you an apology bc leaving drunk voicemails is a shitty thing to do.

BUT

I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She said her husband was a mug for putting up with you- what is he telling her he’s put up with? That’s where my focus would be. His silence is speaking for itself.

As an aside, I got plastered once and told my MIL exactly what I thought of her. In great detail. I actually did not remember it but my ex told me what I’d said. I apologised for drunkenly having a go at her, but I meant every single word.

I’m not fortunate enough to have a mother in law but I’d say that 90% of my girl friends have a problem with theirs in one way or another. I highly doubt that their MILs are aware of how they feel and it always amazes me because I would kill to have a mother in law who dotes on my children and is part of my life (mine passed away before me and my husband got married). However, in this situation, I would invite your DIL out for dinner or drinks and ask her truly where it came from, that you will take no offence but want to work on making the relationship better. If you are warm and open and make her feel safe about it, she will tell you the things you’ve done (probably unknowingly and out of love) that might have upset her. From experience it’s usually ABOUT grandchildren and your involvement. Dont lose the relationship with her, no matter the circumstance, it’s an important one for you and your family. Women are the glue, we need to stick together and support one another. Swallow your pride and investigate the possibility that it could have come from truth and it can be fixed. Sending hugs, you must be so upset xxxx

@LePetitChat Even though you meant every word, you still apologized for your rudeness, which was the right thing to do. The DIL in this instance also needs to apologize for her abusive message, even if she can’t stand the OP.

We should all vow never to get drunk around our in-laws, the shit always hits the fan. 😂

your DIL is a foul mouthed alcoholic by the sounds of it.

This!

Yes I’d say to her and yr son I’ll play u the message then you’ll understand or send it them & say please can u reply when recd. It’s not up to yr son to make her apologise either but he prob yr typical male n cba getting involved however he’s abit of a wet lettuce not having a word with her if it’s so bad. It’ll be fun if they rely on you for helping them out I’d tell her to get stuffed. (Unless theres grandkids involved but I’d still make it clear yr not able to mind them etc every time they ask)

Or Make it clear u won’t be doing them any more favours til you get a proper apology and a proper explanation and ask why she hasn’t said anything before

I would send the message back to her & ask her again, what was this?

If they haven't said the word sorry then they definitely meant it.
What bothers me is that you are more worried that your DS should not let his wife speak to you like that, than why she said it.

There's no smoke without fire.

You both need to reflect, but if are indeed a narcissist (and we all know they always play the victim card) - You cannot blame her for finally standing up for herself. Are you sure you didn't deserve it?

MILs and Mothers come in many forms and interact with all their children and children in law in many different ways. It’s really not that simple. One that dotes on the children etc is very unlikely IMHO.

My mother for example is like that with one of my brothers children and her DIL (my SIL) is exceptionally lucky if you ask me, she child and pet sits all the time and goes out of her way to do anything she can (because she’s worried otherwise she won’t be allowed to see the grandchildren).

But my mother is not like that with myself or one of my sisters or our children, so it feels like my SIL somehow holds all the power so to speak.

How sad.
Could you invite your DIL round / meet for coffee and explain how hurt and upset you are. Explain that you are keen to move forward, but to help you to do that, can she give you some examples so you can consider / rectify.
Good luck xx

Drunken text where her guard came down and she let loose. Only to wake up next morning thinking what have I done . But she did mean it . And she would remember. Now to get to the bottom of it. It can’t just be buried in the sand . You all need to talk about it .

to be honest, I wouldn't accept her explanation, I couldn't ever be civil with someone who had said something like this then further insulted you by saying they didn't mean it!

She felt strongly enough about it to actually make the phone call and leave the message, what would have happened if you'd have picked up the phone?

I've got no time for spineless arseholes, especially drunk spineless arseholes so would want an explanation as to where all that had come from and why she feels that way, you could ask her if you two can have a talk privately, no fighting or confrontation, tell her you're ONLY going to listen, not talk or respond, but if she is refusing to apologise then she definitely owes you an explanation.

Be assure there is long story to that , it doesn’t happen over night 🫣

Would you not speak to your child/ren for 8 years?