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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
RelentlessMother · 26/10/2023 22:08

@Wonkasworld I agree with you.

Tigger1895 · 26/10/2023 22:08

“in vino veritas” she was drunk and told you what she thinks of you. I would be really angry with both her and your son, as claiming she can’t remember saying it, is a cop out.

justasking111 · 26/10/2023 22:09

RelentlessMother · 26/10/2023 21:48

Alcohol goes in truth comes out.

Not necessarily. An old friend of OH was quite vile yesterday evening in front of others. Accusing him of something. Later that night he texted to apologise he'd gotten confused. He'd drunk a whole bottle of wine and four pints of beer that evening which OH didn't know.

Turns out that his drinking is out of control at the moment because his partner is away. He's been unpleasant to others too.

It's possible that the DIL when heavily drunk gets paranoid. I've seen it a few times over the years.

RelentlessMother · 26/10/2023 22:10

@Tigger1895 yes but OP didn’t deny or explained anything.
DIL said “her truth” I wonder how much truth there is to it ….

MysteryBelle · 26/10/2023 22:27

It is ironic that men always side with their mothers when their mothers are wrong and side with their wives when their wives are wrong.

Men are very stupid.

caringcarer · 26/10/2023 22:30

rwalker · 26/10/2023 16:48

I would forward it to the pair of them

I'd simply cut her out of my life if no explanation or heartfelt apology. No more birthday or Xmas gifts for her. No more taking dgc to give her a child free weekend away. If DS wasn't kinder I'd block him too. Let them see you were hurt.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 26/10/2023 22:42

caringcarer · 26/10/2023 22:30

I'd simply cut her out of my life if no explanation or heartfelt apology. No more birthday or Xmas gifts for her. No more taking dgc to give her a child free weekend away. If DS wasn't kinder I'd block him too. Let them see you were hurt.

Show quote history

And what could quite possibly happen as a result of this is OP essentially ending up NC with the family, including her grandkids. Ultimately OP needs to decide what she wants. If her taking the kids is something she enjoys why cut off her nose to spite her face? By all means reduce the favours and step back but in a cold war the DIL has the grandkids.

ittakes2 · 26/10/2023 22:47

My m'n'law has said vile things to me usually when drunk. She would never apologised and I never kicked up a fuss as I wanted to keep the peace. I used to think that this was a mistake ie me not having it out with her to clear the air. But in later years I sadly realised that if she did not feel like she wanted to apologise - she wasn't really sorry and any apology I sought was going to be hollow. As my children have gotten older I have encouraged them to have a direct relationship with her (ie I gave her their phone numbers and they have her's) and we bought her restaurant vouchers which she is going to use to take my children out to lunch.
Can I encourage you to forget about this incident for your sake - you don't have to be pally pally with her but keep the peace so you can have a relationship with your grandkids and son. As your grandkids get older try as you can to have a direct relationship with them and phase out your contact with her.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 22:52

in a cold war the DIL has the grandkids.

Exactly. Which is why being a MIL to a DIL sounds like spending decades of your life walking on thin ice.

Thank goodness I had daughters. My relationship with my sons in law is entirely uncomplicated, and I don't have to worry about them limiting my contact with my DGCs to punish me for anything.

RelentlessMother · 26/10/2023 22:54

@MysteryBelle so true.

IceCreamSundaeCat · 26/10/2023 23:06

I definitely wouldn't like her much after that! Also believe that alcohol can make you talk random shit.

If she doesn't know what she said can you play it back to her? Sorry you had such a nasty shock.

RelentlessMother · 26/10/2023 23:12

I’d say invite over and connect it to Bluetooth speaker. But have a few shots of tequila before she arrives.

don’t forget to tell us how it went.

(you didnt give any context, so it’s best you talk it Over)

ItsFineImFine · 26/10/2023 23:16

Hi

This exact situation happened to me in reverse!

My MIL ( mild mannered, easy going, family was her life) got drunk one evening and called me the most horrendous names, out of the thin blue sky. She was 55, I was 25. She was a bit of a drinker and could handle her wine ( and it never happened again). I was meek and smiley and a real people pleaser and only ever kind and nice. She did this in front of her husband and her son ( my boyf at the time). I was beyond shocked. Next day I got a non-apology apology and boyf told me just to let it go she didn’t mean it. I did let it go immediately ( see above, people pleaser) but discussed it with friends as it was so crazy and confusing. From then on she was her old self but would very occasionally be a little subtly unkind or manipulative.

Never got to bottom of it until 15 years later when it transpired she was in an abusive marriage her whole life, and I think she had moments where she just hated her happy DILs who seemed carefree etc. It was all displaced anger and jealousy as we didn’t appear to have the same hard time she was having.

My advice: take this as a serious red warning flag, say nothing, stay close to the kids and be on alert there is a problem - not saying it is your son it could be anything but I’m just saying focus on being in the kids’ lives as something clearly amiss.

Wishing you the best of luck.

junbean · 27/10/2023 01:54

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:41

You'd think there'd be a backstory and I'd find it easier if there was, they've been together a long time.

Even if what she said was true it doesn't excuse her behavior. If you're that bad and that's what she thinks she should have said something before or cut you off. So if it's not true and she didn't mean it she's actually the horrible person. Even with an apology I would not be able to forget something like that. She has shown you who she is, please believe her!

HamBone · 27/10/2023 02:00

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 26/10/2023 22:42

And what could quite possibly happen as a result of this is OP essentially ending up NC with the family, including her grandkids. Ultimately OP needs to decide what she wants. If her taking the kids is something she enjoys why cut off her nose to spite her face? By all means reduce the favours and step back but in a cold war the DIL has the grandkids.

Show quote history

Sadly, you’re probably right @ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen , but I’m struggling to advise the OP to just accept this verbal abuse and move on. If her partner spoke to her like that, we’d all be horrified and tell her to stand up for herself and say that it’s not acceptable.

I feel the same way about this situation. Even if her DIL can’t stand the OP, she has no right to verbally abuse her like this and should apologize.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/10/2023 02:07

saraclara · 26/10/2023 22:52

in a cold war the DIL has the grandkids.

Exactly. Which is why being a MIL to a DIL sounds like spending decades of your life walking on thin ice.

Thank goodness I had daughters. My relationship with my sons in law is entirely uncomplicated, and I don't have to worry about them limiting my contact with my DGCs to punish me for anything.

Edited

Only if the MIL has helped raise a spectacularly shit son. DH is capable of getting DD to see FIL even though he's thousands of miles away, entirely unaided by me.

Ironically it's the PIL who've raised idiots who typically are cut off.

Autiebibliophile · 27/10/2023 04:08

She clearly doesn't like you wether it's justified or not. I would keep your relationship with your son the same and I hopefully see grandchildren too through him. And maybe keep distance from dil. Don't force DS to take sides or choose. You will lose.

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 07:24

The thing is there is no coming back from this, this is a genie that can’t be put in the bottle, there is no way to forget it.

i did something similar to this once. Not a family member, but someone who was genuinely behaving badly for a long time, and as much as we had both tried to get them to stop, they just continued, one night I got quite tipsy and told them via text of all the issues.

There was no way back from it and the repercussions were huge. They also demanded an apology which they never got and also tried to manipulate my husband to get me to give them an apology. As much as he didn’t like the approach and wished I’d discussed it with him before sending, he didn’t dispute what was said was true and fully backed me. Everyone else wondered why it took so long to stand up to them.

The only part I regret is I could have handled it better, drunken texts aren’t good, but that’s the only part, what I said was 100 percent true and needed saying.

so the sons reaction tells me this isn’t a surprise to him, like me, it is possibly resentment brewing for a long time,and many many discussions took place between the son and his wife at home.

This isn’t the sort of thing that just suddenly comes up with no prior issues. Simply they had never spelled it out to the op. I suspect deep down she knows but like mine is horrified by it. Mine even tried to gaslight me and lie that the things they did, that others witnessed never happened.

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 08:01

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/10/2023 19:54

She sounds appalling.

You deserve an apology.

I really can’t see how anyone in their right mind could think differently

If you'd been told horrible things by your husband, about what his mother had done to him, and he used that "story" to justify any of his issues or poor behaviour, rather than take accountability himself, would you have a good opinion of the mother?

She's got drunk, and blurted all this out, thinking she's giving OP the home truths her poor husband has been so tainted by.

Bet you anything, it's all fabrication by the husband, which explains his insistence that OP doesn't mention anything. Can't maintain his lie if the two of them speak about it.

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 10:21

I'm impressed by those that are blaming the DS, the OP hasn't said alot about him but for some on here he is carrying an awful lot of blame.
TBH its as funny as those spouting DiL apologist.

IamnotSethRogan · 27/10/2023 10:25

I mean in all fairness you've had this message and all you seem to be concerned about is getting an apology and you don't seem to think it could have possibly come from anywhere which doesn't necessarily point towards not being a narcissist.

Rosiem2808 · 27/10/2023 10:29

Question is OP... is any of this true? Do you interfere? Do you make her life a misery?

aSofaNearYou · 27/10/2023 10:44

Tbh I think it's inevitable that she does think those things, or she wouldn't have done it. I don't think any of us can say if that's reasonable or not because we don't know you, she could be wrong or she could be right.

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 10:49

Rosiem2808 · 27/10/2023 10:29

Question is OP... is any of this true? Do you interfere? Do you make her life a misery?

To be fair, those are not accusations the op had levelled at her, so I’d assume she isn’t guilty of those things,

she was accused of being narcissistic,manipulative and a shit mother and grandmother and said her son was a mug for putting up with it.

so that would be more in the vein of always making it about her, always wanting stuff done for or given to her , not giving back, that kind of thing.

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 11:14

The ops reaction is also very telling. There is no I thought we had a fantastic relationship, I do so much for them, I love it when they come round, the kids are fantastic and I love looking after them, we all have such fun together, I thought we’d a close relationship , my son and I had a great relastionship when he was growing up till now,

there is none of that, not a bar of it.

it’s just I’m hurt, I want an apology, I hope she’s not felt like this for 15 years and I was oblivious , she’s quiet when she comes round, don’t want to make it awkward and the worst, my son should not let her speak to me that way,

And the son isn’t bothered and neither are apologising. Which does not speak to a good relationship.

so for me there is clearly something behind this whether the op realised, or wishes to admit it.