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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 26/10/2023 16:48

Mariposista · 26/10/2023 16:47

She sounds about 15! Your son sure knows how to pick a charmer! Very ladylike behaviour there!

Don't stoop to her level. Ignore her completely, and focus on the relationship with your son and GC.

Well that’s not going to work now is it.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 16:48

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 16:44

I was on your side till you wrote your son shouldn’t let her do speak to you like this. This is 2023. A woman is not a man’s possession. She can do as she pleases.

i suspect sadly you’ve just found out the truth of what she thinks and as your son isn’t for acting then I’d be wondering if he thinks it too and doesn’t wish to say it. Sorry op.

She can, but if my husband had done what DIL did, to my parent, I'd be absolutely livid, and also mortified and apologising to my parent even if it wasn't my fault.

Clearly OP's son is just shrugging his shoulders and not holding his partner to account.
I can't imagine many mumsnetters letting their DH off so lightly if they'd left that kind of message on their mum's phone

BananaHamster · 26/10/2023 16:48

If she's feeling like that, theres definitely some kind of backstory that maybe you've done and been just unaware of it, something like that doesn't come out of the blue.

rwalker · 26/10/2023 16:48

I would forward it to the pair of them

BalletBob · 26/10/2023 16:48

If there genuinely isn't any more to this story, I think I would sit them both down and play it on speaker to them. Make them hear it. If she really doesn't remember doing it (big "if") and DS hasn't heard it, it will be very easy for them to gloss over and ignore the harm she's caused.

Lemsipper · 26/10/2023 16:50

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:41

YANBU. If no sincere apology:

Do not allow her in your house

Do not host her for Christmas

Do not give her any presents

do this and then don’t complain when you lose your son if they both go no contact.

OhmygodDont · 26/10/2023 16:50

I’d be wondering more what your son might be feeding her story wise. Everytime his been slightly annoyed with you or every childhood issue his spilled to her, every time you’ve not quite done as told with the grandchildren.

Then when drunk one time her opinion of you based of his words have come out. He doesn’t care because he knows why she said it.

Doesn’t make it hurt less though, but she’s got this image from somewhere and I’d point the finger right at the son tbh.

ThirdDressStress · 26/10/2023 16:51

She must have been harbouring these feelings for a long time, our inhibitions are lowered when we are drunk we don't just start feeling things we never felt.

I would want to get to the bottom of why she is so aggrieved with you if you truly don't have a clue.

Member869894 · 26/10/2023 16:51

I would call her up and play the message to her as she's says she's forgotten what she said

UnfortunateTypo · 26/10/2023 16:53

If there is no back story here, she’s obviously massively pissed off with you for some reason.

Is it possible son has been pretending you say/do things which you don’t, so he can get away with things? Is he saying you demand his time round your house when he’s maybe somewhere else (bit on the side/pub/friends?).

Or do you give him the kids birthday/Christmas money that he then pockets and doesn’t pass on making it look like you don’t give anything?

Is she taking something said at face value that isn’t true at all, an you are being scapegoated for? It sounds really horrible, and I am sorry you are so upset. But I’d ask her for examples and find out what is really being said about you.

hadrianswallsycamore · 26/10/2023 16:54

My ex sil did this to my mum. Although it wasn't messages, she called her and laid into her. It was horrible and we never thought of her the same. Thankfully they divorced and my DB has a lovely wife now who would never behave so disgustingly.

ReadySalty · 26/10/2023 16:56

I make sure that I never drink around my
Mil to ensure that I don't say something that is probably best that keep to myself.

Your dip doesn't like you, she's told you why.

You can either suck it up, ask her for a chat and try to sort it out, or sulk until she apologises.

RantyAnty · 26/10/2023 16:56

ThirdDressStress · 26/10/2023 16:51

She must have been harbouring these feelings for a long time, our inhibitions are lowered when we are drunk we don't just start feeling things we never felt.

I would want to get to the bottom of why she is so aggrieved with you if you truly don't have a clue.

Great advice. Something is going on and it would help to put hurt feelings aside and find out what.

Original poster
zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:56

She's always been very quiet, but not unfriendly, definitely not got a drink problem.
I don't want to fall out with anyone especially when there's grandchildren.

OP posts:
Sillycally · 26/10/2023 16:58

A drunken (wo)man's thoughts are a Sober (wo)mans words, hurtful but factual.

PerspiringElizabeth · 26/10/2023 16:58

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

This 😄 but also OP, DH gets the whole ‘letting her behave like this’ from FIL….. your son is not your DIL’s keeper as a matter of fact, that’s bound to piss any DIL off surely.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/10/2023 16:58

Has she or your DS actually heard the message? If not I'd definitely be playing it for them.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 26/10/2023 16:58

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:41

You'd think there'd be a backstory and I'd find it easier if there was, they've been together a long time.

I find it interesting that instead of wanting to get to the bottom of things and understand why she said that and where it’s coming from you are much more focused on receiving an apology.

Perhaps you’re not getting an apology because DIL and DS believe there’s some truth to what she said. If I was you I would have a think about what that may be and come to them to openly talk and find a solution.

I think it’s very unlikely they think you are purely a victim here and if you’re really honest with yourself (if you’re capable) maybe you’ll figure out why.
Stop going to them looking for just an apology, you’re not going to get one.

namethisbird · 26/10/2023 16:58

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

This is the only option I would consider 😂

Lastchancechica · 26/10/2023 17:00

Forward the voicemail to them.

Dear dil and ds.
I don’t think we can gloss over this, clearly there is a problem and it might be best if we talk about it? Dil is obviously upset about something as it is so unlike her to leave a message like that. Love Mum

pizzaHeart · 26/10/2023 17:02

Sillycally · 26/10/2023 16:58

A drunken (wo)man's thoughts are a Sober (wo)mans words, hurtful but factual.

Is not it the other way around?

justasking111 · 26/10/2023 17:02

I wouldn't expect an apology she meant it I suspect. You'll have to ignore and move on if you want to see your son and grandchildren.

paintingvenice · 26/10/2023 17:02

Why do you want an apology? She’s not going to actually mean it

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 17:03

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

🤣🤣

sparklefresh · 26/10/2023 17:03

YANBU. Ignore the DIL apologists who think it must somehow be your fault - they wouldn't be saying the same if it was a MIL who had left a nasty message on her DIL's phone.

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