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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 26/10/2023 16:35

Is there some kind of back story? I find it hard to believe this came out of nowhere...

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

Lemsipper · 26/10/2023 16:36

Sounds like you both have some reflecting to do

EvilElsa · 26/10/2023 16:37

Wow, that's really hurtful.
Those words came from somewhere -she was just drunk enough to say them. I'd expect a decent apology or I'd be keeping a distance from now on.

JudgeJ · 26/10/2023 16:37

1990thatsme · 26/10/2023 16:35

Is there some kind of back story? I find it hard to believe this came out of nowhere...

And the apologists are out already, a Dil can't possibly be wrong on MN! I'd be giving the foul mouthed madam a wide berth.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2023 16:38

All of this anger came out of nowhere? That's hard to believe.

CaroleSinger · 26/10/2023 16:38

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

Definitely this. I'll even pay your phone bill 🤣

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 26/10/2023 16:40

Both your DS and DIL are being evil and cruel. Distance yourself until an apology is made. You don’t randomly call your MIL these things when drunk so I’m guessing you have a very fractured relationship anyway

KimberleyClark · 26/10/2023 16:40

EvilElsa · 26/10/2023 16:37

Wow, that's really hurtful.
Those words came from somewhere -she was just drunk enough to say them. I'd expect a decent apology or I'd be keeping a distance from now on.

This. In vino veritas. Not that what she said was true, but it must have been in her head for her to say it and I don’t believe for one moment she doesn’t remember saying it.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:41

YANBU. If no sincere apology:

Do not allow her in your house

Do not host her for Christmas

Do not give her any presents

Justcallmebebes · 26/10/2023 16:41

I'd be furious in your shoes. Unless there's an element of truth in what she said, I'd want an explanation and an apology

Original poster
zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:41

You'd think there'd be a backstory and I'd find it easier if there was, they've been together a long time.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/10/2023 16:43

It’s not his job to make her apologise, would you want an insincere apology anyway?

Where do you think it came from? How was your relationship before this?

1990thatsme · 26/10/2023 16:43

JudgeJ · 26/10/2023 16:37

And the apologists are out already, a Dil can't possibly be wrong on MN! I'd be giving the foul mouthed madam a wide berth.

Show quote history

How is this an apologist post? I can certainly see how DIL could be completely wrong, but it seems unusual behaviour out of the blue.

OP may come back and say there is a long history of DIL being a PITA/nasty

UpaladderwatchingTV · 26/10/2023 16:43

I always say we NEVER say anything we don't mean, we just WISH we hadn't said them! I think this is one of those occasions, and like others have said, I would be cutting contact with this nasty piece of work, and wouldn't be happy with my own DS if he backs her up!

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 16:44

I was on your side till you wrote your son shouldn’t let her do speak to you like this. This is 2023. A woman is not a man’s possession. She can do as she pleases.

i suspect sadly you’ve just found out the truth of what she thinks and as your son isn’t for acting then I’d be wondering if he thinks it too and doesn’t wish to say it. Sorry op.

PrinceHaz · 26/10/2023 16:44

She must have thought these things for them to come out when drunk. Can you think of any basis for them at all?
Do you still have the recording? Can you play it to your son so he can hear how traumatic it would have been for you to hear it?

MidnightOnceMore · 26/10/2023 16:44

Either she has a point or she doesn't.

If it was me, assuming she doesn't have a point, I'd be worried primarily about my son and any children - an apology might be nice but what is actually going on with your DIL?

I wouldn't escalate it now, nothing to be gained.

Jasmin1971 · 26/10/2023 16:45

Definitely requires an explanation. People cut others off for less!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2023 16:46

I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.

Why do you think this is? She said all these horrible things, supposedly untrue, and your son isn't even a little upset with his wife?

BellaAndDave · 26/10/2023 16:46

she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it

I’d let her hear the message. She needs to apologise properly even if she was drunk and can’t remember saying it that’s no excuse. Words can hurt and they’re not easily taken back so I’d also be asking her to explain her outburst.

If a DIL had posted this there would have been different replies OP, I can’t believe some of the replies on this thread. There isn’t always a backstory, some people are just plain nasty when alcohol is involved. She’d be better staying sober if that’s how she acts when she’s drunk.

BalletBob · 26/10/2023 16:46

JudgeJ · 26/10/2023 16:37

And the apologists are out already, a Dil can't possibly be wrong on MN! I'd be giving the foul mouthed madam a wide berth.

Show quote history

Oh come off it. It would be exceptionally strange for anyone with whom there has previously been a cordial relationship to suddenly leave a vicious message out of nowhere. It's overwhelmingly likely that there is a backstory here. That doesn't necessarily mean MIL is to blame. The backstory could be previously bad behavior on the DIL's part, for example.

Your little leap to accuse PP of being an apologist for villainous DILs did somewhat give away your own agenda though 😉

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 16:47

Jasmin1971 · 26/10/2023 16:45

Definitely requires an explanation. People cut others off for less!

The son is effectively backing his wife. Which says there is more to this, no one leaves that kind of message who likes and cares for the other person. No one. That’s resentment that’s just boiled over.

the op can push it, but I strongly suspect she’s not going to like what she hears.

1990thatsme · 26/10/2023 16:47

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:41

You'd think there'd be a backstory and I'd find it easier if there was, they've been together a long time.

If no back story and nothing has happened recently, this sounds really odd. Have you ever wondered if she has a problem with alcohol? To be so abusive out of the blue, and then to say she was so drunk she doesn't remember it is concerning.

Either she was so drunk she said something she didn't mean and genuinely cannot remember, in which case she should apologise profusely and steer clear of the booze from now on.

Or, she has long harboured negative feelings and the booze made it all come out. In which case I wouldn't want her apology, as it would be meaningless and untrue.

I wouldn't be happy with just sweeping it under the carpet.

Mariposista · 26/10/2023 16:47

She sounds about 15! Your son sure knows how to pick a charmer! Very ladylike behaviour there!

Don't stoop to her level. Ignore her completely, and focus on the relationship with your son and GC.