DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

[zarasmyworld]

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

I completely disagree. The OP is seeking validation and if everyone just agrees that her DIL is awful she’ll use it as ammunition. You say that if the OP is a twat the advice is meaningless. But she isn’t looking for advice - she’s wanting everyone to say that her DIL should apologise.

I’m not projecting - I’m simply giving another version of reality and I think that the “stately homes” women would agree that this needs saying.

This. Play the message to DIL and DS together. If there’s no apology then it’s hard to know what they expect the future relationship to look like.

Because dismissing horrible behaviour because you were drunk and claim you can’t remember is pathetic. She needs to take accountability.

Would you say the same to a DIL who posted here because her MIL had left that message? Honestly now?

DIL should apologise. Whatever she think about OP, what she did was rude and completely unprovoked (it's not like OP was there at the time, winding her up). No matter how difficult or narcissistic someone might be - and we have no idea whether that is true of OP or not - this is absolutely terrible behaviour by the DIL. If she has issues with OP there are far more adult, healthy ways of addressing them.

@saraclara yes, why would I not?

Grandmother's are to be quiet unless spoken to. Provide help and childcare and STFU. Its sad

@MsRosley she should apologise if there was no reason for the outburst.

But we just don’t know do we?

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember

I don't buy that at all. Sorry.

Perhaps you could play the recording of her message onto their answer-phones.

@MsRosley there are no healthy ways of trying to address the behaviour of a narcissist. That’s why so many daughters are NC.

Well... are you?

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

Many people on here have found this very funny and said they'd do the same. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I don't find it funny at all and I'd never lower myself to do it. I think it's pretty spiteful to be honest. I'm surprised so many people would go down this path.

I would find that hurtful from my SIL although luckily he doesn't drink alcohol. 🤣🤣 Have you actually played it to her? I think I would have to have a conversation as to why she feels you are manipulative and a narcissist. Do you normally get on ok with her and your DS?

DS says to just forget about it. I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if she's just parroting what he's told her.

Have your son and daughter in law heard the voice mail? Which of them are you hoping will apologise? Either the message was meant for someone else or you need a chat with her to find out why she feels this way?

I think so too and I wouldn’t allow the phone call to go unchallenged. I certainly wouldn’t be letting either DS or DIL ignore it. If they had an issue with me I’d want to know about it. Something has caused the DIL to call whether it’s something the DS has said, how the DIL feels about the OP or just pure nastiness. I’d be wanting an explanation and simply being drunk isn’t an explanation I’d be accepting.

I feel like it someone wrote that there MIL did this to them everyone would be saying to go no contact

You clearly haven’t lived. I have witnessed this sort of thing.

op, you are hardly a narc if she has upset you so. This is water of a duck’s back to a true narc. What a nasty thing to do. Have you played them back the message?

I'd hate to think anyone would think this of me, obviously I can't be liked by everyone but I try to be a good person and listen and think I'm approachable enough if someone especially family had any kind of issue.

You cannot say and do something drunk that isn't in your subconscious.

So I'd want an apology.

The only thing I've wondered (and it's the biggest long shot in history) is if there has been no issues and she genuinely has no recollection whatsoever ever is that someone else actually left the message (were they out either friends?).

But other than that I'd be absolutely keeping my distance and expect my DH to be fully backing me up too.

That doesn’t sound like Op’s style - thank goodness.

@zarasmyworld

Sorry, haven't rtft, but I saw your update saying this is out of the blue and you wish there was a back story because then you could make sense of it.

Your son, in private, has been bad mouthing you to his wife. Maybe he's behaved poorly and has deflected with "well if you understood how my mother treated me, you wouldn't blame me for acting like this..."

That's where this has come from. And that's why he doesn't want you to confront her, because she'll say exactly where it's come from. Him. And if he's been lying to her (for whatever reason, about you) she's likely to go spare at him for making it all up.

This. DS has been feeding her a narrative.

In your opinion the op is seeking validation- your opinion is coloured by your issue with your mother - if you think that the op is posting in bad faith then don't respond.

Further - how on earth will she use this thread to use as ammunition? how on earth would a thread give her ammunition- you are losing your grip on reality there - if she is a mad batty arse like you say your mother is then this thread would still be meaningless - what is she going to do with it to provide ammunition- she could show it to her son and dil I guess but if she is a crazy arse then they will take it with a pinch of salt and use it to show how bonkers she is. If she is using it to validate herself to herself then so what?

I don't see the need for a version of reality to be offered here - if a poster posts with an issue with abusive relatives (who could be anyone within a relationship- you could have a toxic parent or a toxic child or child's partner - these dysfunctional relationships go both ways) then of course your reality is relevant but here not really.