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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
MonaDaVinci · 26/10/2023 17:27

There's a missing detail here. OP says there's no back story, so it has to be something else.
Is your son portraying you in a way that's given her this impression and she's mulled it over after a gallon of wine?
Or, is she drinking more than you know and her drunk brain has gone down the dark rabbit hole?
There's something we don't know.

PerspiringElizabeth · 26/10/2023 17:29

sparklefresh · 26/10/2023 17:03

YANBU. Ignore the DIL apologists who think it must somehow be your fault - they wouldn't be saying the same if it was a MIL who had left a nasty message on her DIL's phone.

FIL didn’t leave a message on my phone but I did hear him talking about me on the other side of the door. So I actually have been in that position.
Funny enough no one has ever asked MIL to make FIL apologise to me (funny that, older man allowed to do as he pleases apparently 😄). So I’m not sure why it would be son’s job to make DIL apologise, or his fault for ‘letting’ DIL not apologise OP.

I have actually had to ask him to explain/perhaps apologise multiple times but am still waiting 10 years later 😄 so OP, as she can only control her own actions here otherwise will come across as very controlling, should definitely take steps to get to the bottom of things. Rather than putting it onto her son to sort out.

saraclara · 26/10/2023 17:29

sparklefresh · 26/10/2023 17:03

YANBU. Ignore the DIL apologists who think it must somehow be your fault - they wouldn't be saying the same if it was a MIL who had left a nasty message on her DIL's phone.

Ha! Yes.

And even if the DIL genuinely has those feelings about MIL it still doesn't make leaving that awful message forgivable, or make leaving the message OP's fault

NotLactoseFree · 26/10/2023 17:30

Also, I just want to add two things:

  1. Narcissist people often live to do the DARVO thing and accuse everyone else of narcissism. So I have to wonder about your DIL here.
  2. exBIL is, I am 95% sure (albeit this is an armchair diagnosis) a covert narcissist. One of the things he has done for years but that his various victims or other members of the family seem to accept is send extraordinarily vile, unpleasant and aggressive messages to people and then expect everyone to just carry on as normal after. Obviously, the main person who gets this is SIL but he's done it to all of us. DH's family all think I'm a bit "precious" because I have said that those messages to me were the last straw and I will have nothing to do with him. SIL seemed quite surprised by my horrified reaction to reading a stream of abuse from him followed by, 12 hours later, a warm, friendly, loving message.

So I would be asking you if you've ever had any concerns about your DS's relationship?

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 17:30

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/10/2023 17:10

"Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it."
I would have to forward the voicemail to him, ask him to listen to it, and to see how long it takes him to just forget about it. And I would absolutely insist that he listen to it.

Some things cannot, nor should be, swept under the carpet.

Yeah you’re assuming the op is not the things she’s been accused of, because quite simply that’s what she told you.

but very seldom does someone say this sort of shit if they don’t mean it, no matter how drunk, she literally phoned her to tell her, and the sons not for having an apology.

tnere is more to this than the op either knows or is admitting to.

Everydayiscake · 26/10/2023 17:30

I’d be asking to have a 1-1 chat. Honesty is needed I think from both of you.

Shredmymil · 26/10/2023 17:31

Unfortunately I don't drink and my dh's family know this, if not, I wish I'd have the guts to do this to my MIL. She's an awful woman who has a favourite child and grandchildren , and I'd love to tell her how I really feel about her before she dies . Some mil's are nasty bitches and need to be told so. I don't know what your relationship is like with your dil ,OP, but this can't have come out of nowhere. Have you treated your son/dil/or their children poorly at some point? Do you have favourites? Perhaps you should keep your distance from them, it'll probably save hurt on both sides.

ElleCapitaine · 26/10/2023 17:32

I think the fact that you said, ‘ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this’ speaks volumes. Is she controlled by your DS and can only say what he tells her? Do you think that should be the case? He’s not her boss.

Lilibert456 · 26/10/2023 17:33

In vino veritas.

JennyJenny8675309 · 26/10/2023 17:33

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

I’d be very tempted to do this, LOL!

saraclara · 26/10/2023 17:35

ElleCapitaine · 26/10/2023 17:32

I think the fact that you said, ‘ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this’ speaks volumes. Is she controlled by your DS and can only say what he tells her? Do you think that should be the case? He’s not her boss.

How would you react if your DH left a message like that for your mum?

Because that should be his response too. It's nothing to do with control, it's absolutely normal for any person who had any kind of relationship with their mum, to take their partner to task for being so unspeakably rude to her.

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 17:36

Is there any truth in it ? Drunk people do often say things they don't mean when drunk. I know I have said things that I didn't mean in the past when drunk. It's embarrassing and hurtful for the recipients and I remain forever mortified and embarrassed

JudgeJ · 26/10/2023 17:36

BalletBob · 26/10/2023 16:46

Oh come off it. It would be exceptionally strange for anyone with whom there has previously been a cordial relationship to suddenly leave a vicious message out of nowhere. It's overwhelmingly likely that there is a backstory here. That doesn't necessarily mean MIL is to blame. The backstory could be previously bad behavior on the DIL's part, for example.

Your little leap to accuse PP of being an apologist for villainous DILs did somewhat give away your own agenda though 😉

Show quote history

The 'little leap' was made in the first response, there has to be a reason for the drunk's rant, the DIL can never be wrong, this is MN remember!

Sillycally · 26/10/2023 17:39

@willWillSmithsmith Ha yes it should I've just read that back to myself! glad you got the gist of what I was getting at 🤪

WildFlowerBees · 26/10/2023 17:43

If she didn't mean it and has never done anything like this before, not an alcoholic etc surely she'd be really very apologetic. She isn't so backstory or not this is probably how she feels about you.

GerbilsForever24 · 26/10/2023 17:44

ElleCapitaine · 26/10/2023 17:32

I think the fact that you said, ‘ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this’ speaks volumes. Is she controlled by your DS and can only say what he tells her? Do you think that should be the case? He’s not her boss.

I am pretty sure the context here is that OP felt that her DS is being a bit blasé about this and should also be upset. As I absolutely would be if my DH did this to my family member or he would be if I ranted on at one of his. The fact that he is NOT particularly bothered is concerning as either he thinks this level of abuse from her is normal and no big deal, or he thinks that there's a bigger problem but is too much of a wuss to address it.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 26/10/2023 17:45

Definitely record the message so you have it again.

If you go down the route of demanding an apology, you'll get nowhere or only get something insincere.

Have you anyone else that you can ask for an objective view? Your husband? Other siblings etc?

Have you also tried to think of anything you do that may appear controlling, judgmental,manipulating etc - even if your intentions are good. Even if these appear same or minor to you. It may be a case that's she's overreacting to something or you might see them as trival but is there anything at all that might give you a hint as to why she would react this say. (She might be barking mad but it's worth considering if there's anything that might have triggered this)

I would send the voicemail recording to them both and just say, can we talk as there's obviously something that is damaging our relationship and I would like to see if we can repair it?

PS - your son is in an impossible place. The two women he loves the most. Don't make him chose sides. I would be furious if my partner did this but do understand my parents aren't perfect.

Focus on the issue, not the delivery.

KimberleyClark · 26/10/2023 17:46

PerspiringElizabeth · 26/10/2023 17:29

FIL didn’t leave a message on my phone but I did hear him talking about me on the other side of the door. So I actually have been in that position.
Funny enough no one has ever asked MIL to make FIL apologise to me (funny that, older man allowed to do as he pleases apparently 😄). So I’m not sure why it would be son’s job to make DIL apologise, or his fault for ‘letting’ DIL not apologise OP.

I have actually had to ask him to explain/perhaps apologise multiple times but am still waiting 10 years later 😄 so OP, as she can only control her own actions here otherwise will come across as very controlling, should definitely take steps to get to the bottom of things. Rather than putting it onto her son to sort out.

Edited
Show quote history

I’m sorry this happened to you but presumably your FIL did not intend for you to hear what he was saying, the DIL absolutely did.

SheSaidHummingbird · 26/10/2023 17:46

I subpoena the DIL

Sapphire387 · 26/10/2023 17:47

See- I would be tempted to do this to my MIL, but only because she's been utterly vile to my DH over the last year.

If you genuinely think this has come out of the blue, I think you are mistaken. Clearly she is angry with you about something.

I'm not saying what she has done is right, and it must have been incredibly upsetting for you to receive that message. If she had a problem with something you had done, she should have spoken to you directly, sober.

I don't think you should have to ignore it, but I think either keep your distance, or request an explanation again in an attempt to work out what is going on.

Sofaz34 · 26/10/2023 17:48

I think she needs to give you an apology but also to address the issue as she wouldn't have said it without some pent up anger. The drunk voice says what the sober mind is thinking.....but she's probably overexxagerated. I would be totally open to hearing some harsh feedback though and talk through it.

HeatherMoores · 26/10/2023 17:49

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

That’s fkin hilarious I’m actually stifling laughter on public transport.

Sloth66 · 26/10/2023 17:51

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

sitting here shaking with laughter…

LightSpeeds · 26/10/2023 17:51

Sillycally · 26/10/2023 16:58

A drunken (wo)man's thoughts are a Sober (wo)mans words, hurtful but factual.

The other way round, surely? But true, I should think.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 26/10/2023 17:52

The lack of reaction is a puzzle if the message was as horrible as you say. Perhaps they don't realise what was actually said or how?

Perhaps you could play the recording of her message onto their answer-phones.
Leave it with them both and see if you do get a better reaction.

If no apology /horror comes from them and they are happy to leave it with you - you at least know that there really is a problem between you.