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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL left nasty drunk messages on my phone.

330 replies

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

OP posts:
Sunandnomoon · 26/10/2023 17:54

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:34

I woke up on Sunday morning to a voicemail from my son's wife saying I was manipulative and a narcissist and my husband was a mug for putting up with me, that I'm a terrible mother and grandma and lots of other upsetting things.
I have been very upset understandably about this and have asked DIL to explain but she says she doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.

Ds says as she was drunk and as she doesn't remember to just forget about it.
I haven't even had an apology in nearly a week and Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.
AIBU to think I'm owed some sort of apology or explanation and ds shouldn't let her speak to me like this?
I shouldn't be expected to just carry on as if it didn't happen should I?
I have told DS how hurt I am but still no apology.

What were the ‘lots of other upsetting things’ OP?

I’m not defending their behaviour, but I don’t believe your pretence of being completely unaware of any previous hostility between you, when there’s evidently been ‘lots’ of it.

BodegaSushi · 26/10/2023 17:56

'apologist' is really overused.

BodegaSushi · 26/10/2023 17:57

Ds doesn't even seem bothered that she's been so unkind.

Telling.

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 17:57

Do they let you see the grandchildren? If they do, she can't think you are that bad, but I would be asking what her perceived issues with you are

Angelsrose · 26/10/2023 17:58

Of course DIL must apologise. Disgraceful behaviour and pretending she can't remember is just awful. I think a lot of the younger generation treat the older generation as part of their staff, only useful to look after the grandchildren whom grandparents often dote on. If you don't toe the party line and have any opinion, you're subjected to torrents of abuse. I don't believe for a second the op has done anything to warrant this tasteless and terrible behaviour.

Lavender14 · 26/10/2023 18:05

I mean... its not nice behaviour, its very rude but to be totally honest... the fact she's not apologised and your ds isn't bothered about it kind of makes me wonder if there is something about the way you're coming across that has got their backs up.

If it were me I'd invite them round for a cuppa and I'd be really direct but calm and say that the voicemail is still sitting with you and you're trying to understand it. I'd say it's made you wonder if there's something you've been saying or doing without realising or something in your approach to things that is bothering them because you'd much rather clear the air and everyone be honest about it so you can hopefully draw a line and move on. I'd say you care a lot about them and the grandkids and you want to understand them to protect that relationship. Then they will either reassure you that there's nothing and you'll need to accept that and move on, or they'll give you some feedback on what's caused that bad feeling and I'd encourage you to reflect on it if they are open about bad feelings.

I'd hope she'd apologise though, she really should have already.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2023 18:07

Well at least you're nkt the one who was drunk you didn't remember calling people and leaving nasty messages.

Lavender14 · 26/10/2023 18:07

And also just to say, there might not be anything you've said or done and it could just be dil being really out of order, but if you approach it in a very open and adult way then I think you're more likely to get an honest answer which will hopefully help you to resolve it for yourself.

mangochops · 26/10/2023 18:08

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 17:36

Is there any truth in it ? Drunk people do often say things they don't mean when drunk. I know I have said things that I didn't mean in the past when drunk. It's embarrassing and hurtful for the recipients and I remain forever mortified and embarrassed

I agree with this. I've said some ridiculous things when I've been hammered and when sober I didnt mean them and had no idea why I even said them because they absolutely didnt represent what I actually thought or felt. I once put a traffic cone on my head and said I wanted to wear it daily as a hat. I definitely dont have a secret deep yearning to do that when sober.

PinkLemons99 · 26/10/2023 18:08

Sillycally · 26/10/2023 16:58

A drunken (wo)man's thoughts are a Sober (wo)mans words, hurtful but factual.

Doesn't mean they're true even if the DIL holds that opinion. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Any adult that gets drunk enough to leave nasty phone messages is the one who has a problem and needs help.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2023 18:09

Do you still have the message saved?

If I were her, I'd have sent you flowers every day from the day I found out, and a huge apology. The fact that neither your son nor his son of a wife has done that shows there's a basic lack of self-respect there, and a lack of respect for you too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/10/2023 18:11

Have you played it back to her? I would do that in her home so that she has to accept what's been said.

WhateverMate · 26/10/2023 18:11

zarasmyworld · 26/10/2023 16:41

You'd think there'd be a backstory and I'd find it easier if there was, they've been together a long time.

Nah, there has to be some sort of backstory as drunk or not, this has not come out of nowhere.

And as a PP said, you're totally focused on an apology rather than utter confusion and bewilderment which is what most people would feel.

Thegoodbadandugly · 26/10/2023 18:13

Terrible behaviour she needs to apologize.

Gwlondon · 26/10/2023 18:14

I think make a recording of it and then send it by email to both of them. It probably doesn’t mean anything to your son until he hears it for himself. You don’t know. They may have argued about it and he actually knows what is going on. Did she mean to ring someone else like her mother.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 18:15

sparklefresh · 26/10/2023 17:03

YANBU. Ignore the DIL apologists who think it must somehow be your fault - they wouldn't be saying the same if it was a MIL who had left a nasty message on her DIL's phone.

Very true. Personally I couldn't let something like this go. It would be either come round and explain why this happened, apologise if necessary, and then we can move on. Or stay away and suffer the consequences.

Topseyt123 · 26/10/2023 18:15

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:41

YANBU. If no sincere apology:

Do not allow her in your house

Do not host her for Christmas

Do not give her any presents

This would also be my approach.

NotRainbowRhythms · 26/10/2023 18:16

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 16:36

Have some fun with it. Leave a message on her phone saying she's an unfaithful slag and a tart and then, when confronted, say you were drunk and can't remember doing it.😂

That is very funny 🤣

On a serious note, OP. You definitely deserve an apology at least!

DelightfullyDotty · 26/10/2023 18:17

I don’t think you should be seeking validation here. We have no idea of the family dynamic. I have a DM with bpd/traits of narcissism and I’m sure she’d tell her friends how awful I am. And I can be because she provokes me constantly with her barbed comments and passive aggression.

She’ll never take responsibility and she’ll seek validation from others or find a way of convincing herself that she wasn’t to blame. Oh Dotty didn’t have a complete meltdown because I’ve been abusing her and sulking for a week, it was because she was worried about her dog. She has no other way of communicating.

maddening · 26/10/2023 18:17

Did she call you by your name or make.reference other than mum and grandma - could it have been intended for her own mother/another female relative who was awful to their own daughter? Was it clear that it was you and would she possibly have issues in her own family?

maddening · 26/10/2023 18:20

DelightfullyDotty · 26/10/2023 18:17

I don’t think you should be seeking validation here. We have no idea of the family dynamic. I have a DM with bpd/traits of narcissism and I’m sure she’d tell her friends how awful I am. And I can be because she provokes me constantly with her barbed comments and passive aggression.

She’ll never take responsibility and she’ll seek validation from others or find a way of convincing herself that she wasn’t to blame. Oh Dotty didn’t have a complete meltdown because I’ve been abusing her and sulking for a week, it was because she was worried about her dog. She has no other way of communicating.

You really have to take an op at face value I reckon, there is no point projecting your mother's issues on to the op - if the op is a twat then misrepresenting her own issue will mean that any advice is meaningless - so either don't respond or answer on a good faith basis- you dredging your mother's issues into this is neither healthy for you or relevant imo

maddening · 26/10/2023 18:21

Gwlondon · 26/10/2023 18:14

I think make a recording of it and then send it by email to both of them. It probably doesn’t mean anything to your son until he hears it for himself. You don’t know. They may have argued about it and he actually knows what is going on. Did she mean to ring someone else like her mother.

I agree with this.

Saz12 · 26/10/2023 18:24

Until you're sure they know what message was left, then you dont know if the lack of apology is down to misunderstanding or because they think its justified or what.

dogmandu · 26/10/2023 18:25

@zarasmyworld
I don't want to fall out with anyone especially when there's grandchildren.

Totally agree with this. It's in your best long term interests

Tiddlywinkly · 26/10/2023 18:28

I disagree to some extent with posters saying that people say things they don't mean when drunk. I think what people say when drunk is often an exaggerated version of their true feelings.

The reaction of your dil (not apologising) and your ds (supporting her) needs unpacking. Either there's an element of truth to what she's said or has ds being feeding her with lies?