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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cut off friend of nearly 30 years?

184 replies

Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 13:31

Name changed as very outing.
I have a very good friend, been with me through lots of life's milestones, always there when I've needed her. Now I feel like the worst friend as I can't be there for her right now. Her ex has been arrested and remanded out of the blue, and turns out he has been caught in an undercover online sting and arrested when arriving at a house to carry out child sex abuse that had been planned online with an undercover police officer. She's in pieces and is verging on suicidal, but wants to stand by him. Has visited him on remand, is listening to his excuses and even justifying that there wasn't a victim so not that bad. I've said no, I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him. When they were dating, she brought him to my house and to watch my son in a school event. She seems confused why that is upsetting me. I feel guilty to desert her when she's suicidal, but I can't play any part in this. (She has other MH services involved).
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, or if you think I am, explain why? His shitty choices have ruined a great friendship, but I'm more upset about how poor her boundaries are with this. This is no doubt due to her mental health, but I can't see a way to support her that doesn't involve listening to her making excuses and down playing what he's done.

OP posts:

EmptyYoghurtPot · 26/10/2023 13:39

You are in the right. The fact that she chooses to defend a child abuser (the fact that he was stopped doesn’t matter, the intent was there) would be a non negotiable for me.

heldinadream · 26/10/2023 13:39

That's immensely tough and I agree you can't collude with her being still on his side in any way. If you can't devise a way to support her whilst being totally clear that you don't agree with her sticking with him it's probably best that you withdraw.
Ultimately you're not responsible for her state of mind. Personally I'd probably try and find a way to keep the door open - I'm here when you need me but only when you see sense (words to that effect). But only if it feels possible. Really tough OP. She's hopefully in a process that at the moment involves denial but won't actually get stuck there.

anon0007 · 26/10/2023 13:40

I wouldn't continue a friendship with someone who chooses to be with a paedo.

I hope she doesn't have children, or plan to if she's continuing a relationship with him.

billy1966 · 26/10/2023 13:45

I have friendships of that length that I value dearly, but I could not listen to the defense of such a man.

Whilst I can only imagine how hard this is for her, you cannot police her choices, but you can own the fact that you do not want anything to do with him or anyone that would support or excuse such behaviour.

There is no need to apologise either.

I would feel tainted to be party to a conversation when he was being excused and defended.

Leave her to her choices.

Minihippyme89 · 26/10/2023 13:48

You’re not wrong at all. But I understand why you feel so upset and need reassurance.

Ellie1015 · 26/10/2023 13:53

If i could support her while she knows I completely disagree with her postion to stand by him i would for the short term hoping that she is in some kind of shock or grief for losing the partner she thought she had and will come to her senses.

If she sticks to her excuses and stands by him longer term then i couldn't be friends with her.

Hyppogriff · 26/10/2023 13:54

Agreed while she stands by him you can’t stand by her …

romdowa · 26/10/2023 13:55

The minute she made excuses for him then that would be it for me. He's a pedo and she's standing by him. Fuck that, block her , her mental health Is her own priority. Protecting your child is yours.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/10/2023 13:56

I would potentially give it a couple of weeks until the shock dies down, then I'd have one final last ditch conversation.

But you're not wrong in not wanting any part of this.

It's quite American, but there's an 'and' thing used in therapy

I love you AND this is a huge deal to me. I love you AND I cannot support your partner. I love you AND I will not listen to you defend him. I love you AND my door is always open to you should you change your mind.

Redglitter · 26/10/2023 13:58

Hyppogriff · 26/10/2023 13:54

Agreed while she stands by him you can’t stand by her …

Exactly this.

This would be a total deal breaker fir ne especially as she's making excuses for him. He was caught this time but I'd be wondering if he'd met anyone before & not been caught. What are the odds of him chatting to an undercover police officer the very first time he engages with a child online

ElderMillenials · 26/10/2023 13:58

YANBU to walk away, you could make it clear that the reason is her standing by him so if she gets over this initial shock and comes to her senses soon there may be a way to restore the friendship if that's something you would want.

If she's serious about standing by him then she'll have to get used to loosing friends and family because I doubt many will stand by her.

'There was no victim' isn't an excuse, he thought there was!

IAmAnIdiot123 · 26/10/2023 13:59

There's very few things I would cut my longest friends off for, this is one of them. Yanbu, make sure to take time to grieve the friendship, it isn't easy.

funbags3 · 26/10/2023 13:59

I would probably tell her that I'd be there for her when she came to her senses.
At the moment, it sounds as if she's very much in denial.

Ibravedaflood · 26/10/2023 13:59

I ended a good friendship when I suddenly clicked my friend had stood by her dh when he was on jail... Police had installed alarms etc in her home for him being released..she kept a good facade about him being and exh. . Yanbu to truly walk away op. Don't risk you getting known for associating with a nonce...

Superscientist · 26/10/2023 14:01

I would step away and create some distance but don't burn your bridges. She might see the light and see him for what he is and need a friend then but whilst she is standing with him I would have very minimal contact

MintJulia · 26/10/2023 14:04

I also have a friend whose partner was arrested for child sex crimes.

Can you try to separate your friend and HIS crimes. She's probably still in shock, in denial.

I couldn't sympathise or accept her making excuses for him, but I did sit and listen while she offloaded, went through disbelief, anger acceptance, grieving, depression. I didn't judge her, I was just there.

But I wasn't a mum at the time. If it happened now, I might react differently.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 14:06

I understand exactly how you feel, OP, but I think I'd give her a bit of leeway while she's still in shock. If she's still supporting him in a year, I'd be out.

MsRosley · 26/10/2023 14:08

LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/10/2023 13:56

I would potentially give it a couple of weeks until the shock dies down, then I'd have one final last ditch conversation.

But you're not wrong in not wanting any part of this.

It's quite American, but there's an 'and' thing used in therapy

I really can't see why 'and' doesn't simply mean 'but' here.

fairymary87 · 26/10/2023 14:08

You're in the right

WeightWhat · 26/10/2023 14:09

I would try to stay friends if I could - even if I had to be distant for a while. You are able to decide quickly based on right and wrong that this man is The Worst. But she is on a different time trajectory where she has to work out her confusion and various other things. She is desperately trying to hang onto her old life. That’s understandable. Give her time to process.

Friendships of 30 years are really precious in themselves and you won’t make a new friend like this. You definitely do not need to compromise your own morals by in any way accepting her H is ‘not that bad’. But if you can maintain some contact you’ll be honouring the energy and love both of you have already put in to the friendship.

He’s gross though, obviously.

Borgonzola · 26/10/2023 14:09

Was this case in Milton Keynes?

If so, I went to school with the perpetrator, and she should absolutely not forgive him as he is a disgusting individual

Outing but I don't care, I saw the news today and I've been feeling sick all day

Beautiful3 · 26/10/2023 14:12

I cut off my friends sister when she supported her husband, after he was convicted of downloading child abuse videos. It meant I lost my friend of 20 years at the time, too. You cannot still be friends with her. She loves a guy who went to rape a child??! When people find out, they'll view you differently if you support her, be careful.

Thebigblueballoon · 26/10/2023 14:13

Another vote for give your friend a couple of weeks. It’s possible her head is all over the place, she’s in shock, and need a bit of support to process the hideousness of what has happened.
But if she fundamentally decided to stick by him in the long term, that would be it for me. Friendship sadly over.

EvilElsa · 26/10/2023 14:15

YANBU.
The support of a sex offender would be the total end for me.

Cyborg23 · 26/10/2023 14:16

I'm sure she's trauma bonded - it's like Stockholm syndrome. I had it in an abusive relationship so felt the need to defend him when people criticised him.

However, you have a child so should stay away from it.

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