To cut off friend of nearly 30 years?

[Seakayaker100]

Name changed as very outing.
I have a very good friend, been with me through lots of life's milestones, always there when I've needed her. Now I feel like the worst friend as I can't be there for her right now. Her ex has been arrested and remanded out of the blue, and turns out he has been caught in an undercover online sting and arrested when arriving at a house to carry out child sex abuse that had been planned online with an undercover police officer. She's in pieces and is verging on suicidal, but wants to stand by him. Has visited him on remand, is listening to his excuses and even justifying that there wasn't a victim so not that bad. I've said no, I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him. When they were dating, she brought him to my house and to watch my son in a school event. She seems confused why that is upsetting me. I feel guilty to desert her when she's suicidal, but I can't play any part in this. (She has other MH services involved).
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, or if you think I am, explain why? His shitty choices have ruined a great friendship, but I'm more upset about how poor her boundaries are with this. This is no doubt due to her mental health, but I can't see a way to support her that doesn't involve listening to her making excuses and down playing what he's done.

It's shocking how many women stand by their partners.
The forum mentioned is eye-opening, I don't condone it but can understand that current partners have been groomed too, but to stand by and defend an ex. That's really weird. I would really distance myself from her.
It sounds like she is enjoying the drama, making it all about her. Strange behaviour indeed.

@Seakayaker100

Sounds to me that law enforcement / CPS have got a pretty rock solid case or it'd never have got to this stage.

I'm wondering, like many others, if your friend is in shock, denial, dissociative, re-traumatised, or being somehow coerced or intimidated.

What I'm interested to know is: In what ways exactly is she 'supporting' him or 'standing by' him? Assuming they have no connections, don't live together, don't have children. Is it simply that she's openly stating she doesn't believe he did it? Or is she doing supportive actions such as visiting him, sending money, looking after his flat / pets / vehicle, etc?

Also, if you live geographically nearby one another, does this man also? Do you know mutual friends and mutual family members of him? Are they all standing by him? Is everyone else deluded? Does she / they not know how very hard it is for the police to actually get a case to court these days and keep someone in custody?

Personally I would be a friend on 'stand-by'. Whilst making it very clear you can't agree with her stance and think she's mistaken, be prepared to step up as a friend when she realises. Wait for the penny to drop -or- try to find out more about if anything coercive / manipulative is going on. Also whether she's scared of repercussions if he gets off in court or when he gets out before too long as the sentence won't be long I don't suppose.

Interesting. Is she usually acting like this? What's her baseline behaviour? Someone who would do anything for a man and enable sickness or someone who speaks their mind and is usually independent?

It seems a strange enmeshment when they're not even in a relationship. Maybe she's all over the place and has 'cognitive dissonance'. Maybe she's feeling suicidal on the one hand because she can't face up to the truth.

Guaranteed one thing - detectives would have spoken to her to try and debrief any information during the time they were together. They could have even wanted a statement from her, if possible. I wonder if she's protesting so much because she always knew he was a wrong'un with certain desires and feels really guilty and now can't face up to it.

I don't believe she had any knowledge of this side of him, but do think she is overly invested in the relationship

But what relationship for god's sake ... he's supposed to be an ex ... ??

For an obsessive or chronically codependent type, the relationship doesn't have to actually be real, it has to be how they imagine it. How they think about it is the 'real' bit to them and actual stone cold reality is the bit they slide out and disregard. I think it's called 'limerence' where a person can be deeply invested in a relationship that's not real.

Maybe in her head, hopes, and dreams she is deep in this relationship with him, maybe she had future plans (in her own mind). He's probably told her very clear story why he's been 'fitted up' and maybe suggested him and her sail off in to the sunset just as soon as he's released from the court due to his innocence.

Or, maybe she's one of those rare and sick women who doesn't have a problem with men wanting young girls - think Ghislaine Maxwell - maybe thinks is a natural part of life that men want youngsters / schoolgirls etc and has some crappy justifications and rationalisations of abuse.

She's looking after his house, fetching him things, visiting him, taking his calls....

The addition of this information changes my view somewhat. That's an awful lot of going out of her way to support him.

Absolutely vile to stick by someone guilty of this. I would cut ties as well..there is NO excuse to watch rape videos

That all makes perfect sense, @JFT, but never mind him ... it wouldn't say a lot for just how safe she'd be to have around the kiids

I totally agree with you and would be pretty ruthless if "she stood by him".