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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off friend of nearly 30 years?

184 replies

Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 13:31

Name changed as very outing.
I have a very good friend, been with me through lots of life's milestones, always there when I've needed her. Now I feel like the worst friend as I can't be there for her right now. Her ex has been arrested and remanded out of the blue, and turns out he has been caught in an undercover online sting and arrested when arriving at a house to carry out child sex abuse that had been planned online with an undercover police officer. She's in pieces and is verging on suicidal, but wants to stand by him. Has visited him on remand, is listening to his excuses and even justifying that there wasn't a victim so not that bad. I've said no, I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him. When they were dating, she brought him to my house and to watch my son in a school event. She seems confused why that is upsetting me. I feel guilty to desert her when she's suicidal, but I can't play any part in this. (She has other MH services involved).
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, or if you think I am, explain why? His shitty choices have ruined a great friendship, but I'm more upset about how poor her boundaries are with this. This is no doubt due to her mental health, but I can't see a way to support her that doesn't involve listening to her making excuses and down playing what he's done.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 17:58

I'm thinking the evidence is very strong and he doesn't seem to be denying it but more that he made an error in judgement/wouldn't have actually done anything

Ah yes, the Bill Clinton 'I never inhaled' excuse. This can't be a one off, the police didn't stick a pin in the electoral roll and decide that they'd see if he would bite to a sting. There was a reason they were tracking him.

Thegoodbadandugly · 26/10/2023 18:10

Your not being unreasonable, you have children you need to protect and while she is sticking by a peado you could end up getting labelled yourself, that age old saying run with the crows you get shot with the crows.

Mumto1boyo · 26/10/2023 18:14

I had something similar a few years ago with an ex. Found out after 3 years of being together that he had been arrested for looking at picturesof kids. He wouldn't tell me the ins and outs as he said he just wanted to forget it. He wasn't sent to jail but had to go to police station every so often and to some kind of therapy sessions. At first I stood by him but then I realised I'd never be "young" enough for him. I was 5 years older than him anyway. So I ended it. He's now 33 and dating a 22 year old....so a word of warning for anyone living in Hitchin.

adriftinadenofvipers · 26/10/2023 18:17

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 16:08

It sounds like she is in shock and having to deal with this awful situation.

She's in denial

Continue to be there for her but be very clear you do not support her having any contact with him

she needs relevant support from professionals

But she doesn't "have to deal with this awful situation" - he's an ex-boyfriend whom she has never lived with?!

I don't know why you would be so exercised over someone from your past?

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 18:27

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 17:05

Wow how rude! It's not about a moral compass it's about how the brain reacts to shock

It's similar to a bereavement. One of the stages is disbelief and denial

The friend has had everything she believed in torn apart , he life as she knew it has gone. As has her future.

It's not about her condoning his actions. Her brain hasn't got the capacity right now to deal with the reality.

The realisation will come soon enough when her brain can cope she is in utter shock a friend of 30 years needs to be there for her. Get her appropriate help and support. The police should be able to assist

Show quote history

Her life and her future as she knew it have not gone at all, because - once more for those who can't RTFT - this man is not her husband or partner. He's an ex-boyfriend. They're not a couple and even back when they were a couple, they were only dating and didn't live together.

And no, the police should not 'be able to assist' with getting her support because she isn't the wife or partner of an offender. She's literally just a woman that he knows. If the police assisted with getting her support, they'd have to offer it to all his exes, all his friends and neighbours and everyone else he'd ever gone for a bloody drink with in his life.

DarkDarkNight · 26/10/2023 18:33

I don’t blame you at all. I would struggle to understand why someone could justify this behaviour.

Does she have very low standards/boundaries when it comes to men? I can’t understand how she can justify supporting him. Thankfully they don’t have children together, that would be a whole bigger mess if she insisted on standing by him.

PlasticineKing · 26/10/2023 18:47

I would make it clear the door is open. I think her reaction is quite normal (he’s likely very manipulative) and she’ll hopefully see the light

Wintersgirl · 26/10/2023 18:48

The support of a sex offender would be the total end for me.

Same

Lifeomars · 26/10/2023 18:49

This is awful from every aspect. Firstly the awful crime , then the awful fact that your friend of so many years is at this moment in time expressing her belief in her partner's innocence and awful for you having to hear all this and see your friend in denial. My take on this would not be to cut all contact with your friend at the moment but to put in some very strong boundaries while she processes what is happening. Then if she still persists in believing him then it will be impossible for you to continue the friendship. I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be deeply disturbing.

PoisonJuicy · 26/10/2023 18:52

You have no choice. My friend did similar when it was revealed a woman in their baby group had a convicted rapist partner whom she stood by and had children with knowing full well what he’d done. You'd be surprised at how women will make excuses for men in this situation. Appreciate you’ve known her for 30 years but she is showing poor judgment here.

Mamma2017 · 26/10/2023 18:55

funbags3 · 26/10/2023 14:52

@Wheredidyougonow Nothing is ever black/white.
There's been no trial yet, as I can see. You have no idea what he has been saying to her. Of course she's in denial after all, why would you believe someone you love could be capable of such acts?

This. She’s in total shock and doesn’t want to believe it, course she doesn’t. (Also Doesn’t help he’s not convicted yet). She’s a dear friend of 30 years and has always been there for you- her world is absolutely collapsing around her. Give her a chance to wrap her head around this and to come to terms with it -chances are reality will sink in and she may well decide to cut him off. In a few months if she hasn’t come to her senses tell her you can’t be friends anymore if she decides to stand by him.

beatrix1234 · 26/10/2023 18:58

@ManateeFair You mention she's verging on suicidal. Has she always had mental health issues, or is this the first time she's reacted to something in this way?

If she was aware of any of his shenanigans and discussed during comms between them those records (like phone and computer) are in police custody, she could have incriminated herself, that may be a reason for feeling suicidal, otherwise (unless they have children together) don’t see one.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 26/10/2023 19:04

He was caught red handed by a police officer, arranging to do god knows what to a child: it’s truly beyond defending and excuses so I’d also cut her dead. Her being suicidal is his doing, not yours. You don’t have to support a paedophile-apologist. As for saying there was no victim so it’s ‘Not that bad’ - only because it was a trap with a police officer and not a child! Is she for fucking real?! How does her stomach not turn in revulsion knowing he’s aroused by kids?

I want to hug that police officer. What a horrific thing to have to do for work, but dutifully conducted to help protect children from a piece of filth.

verdantverdure · 26/10/2023 19:06

She might not be making rational decisions at the moment @Seakayaker100.

She might have been more invested in this ex than anyone realised.

He might want her in court to demonstrate that he has normal sexual relationships with normal adult women.

Or even to testify or write a character reference.

He might have known this was coming.

Thelnebriati · 26/10/2023 19:26

You'd be mad to ever trust her again.

Guesswho88 · 26/10/2023 19:26

Why is she suicidal if this is her ex? She can't be standing by him as such if they're not together. Sorry but your friends an idiot.

BenWeatherstaff · 26/10/2023 19:27

I dunno. You say she is a long-standing friend who has always supported you. Is it possible she’s in shock? She’s also undergoing something of a bereavement for the person she thought she knew. Grief involves denial at first. It’s possible she is also feeling that if she is connected with him and he is guilty she is ‘tainted’ and, feeling hopeless of breaking the perceived connection she is focussing all her hope on his being innocent for both their sakes. Lots of complicated stuff. I think if it was my friend I wouldn’t give up on her. Supporting her doesn’t have to involve going against your principles re him.

Seaqueen24 · 26/10/2023 19:28

100% in the right. If you've tried to talk sense into her and shes still not listening to sound advice, stick by your guns and do not feel bad.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 26/10/2023 19:38

@LookingForPurpose

I commend your courage in sharing your story and can't imagine the pain this has caused you. Blaming your entire family is unfair but you say my son didn't hurt anyone either and I don't think that is entirely accurate. Victims of abuse whose images are shared definitely do feel more traumatised knowing that this has happened. People who share the images normalise their behaviour because they can find a community of like-minded abusers. I hope your son's acknowledgement of his crime includes recognition of this harm.

Uricon2 · 26/10/2023 19:40

He's an ex who she never lived with or had children with, not a woman facing this as a wife/partner currently living together. He might have sucked her back in, because he needs her to run errands/otherwise support him, but I think she has chosen to engage with the drama, MH issues or not. Given what he's been arrested for, I would not engage with this and I would tell her why.

Resilience · 26/10/2023 19:42

This is so sad.

One horrible man causing so much pain to so many.

I've been involved in several cases similar to this. (Professionally)

Your friend is processing a type of trauma at the moment. It's a massive deal to discover that your life partner is capable of something like this. It calls into question everything you thought you knew about them and your relationship in general. It makes you question your own judgment and perspective. The prospect of accepting it as true and unforgivable means saying goodbye not just to the relationship but life as you know it and your sense of self, since you clearly read things so wrong. You feel you have to start all over again but from a position of shame at what's happened and embarrassment that you were so stupid you didn't see it. It is far, far easier to be willing to listen to the excuses and minimise what has happened so you can carry on maybe not quite as before but without this world shattering impact.

It takes time to work through all that. Sadly, some people never do. Especially if the offender has been subtly abusing them or eroding their boundaries too.

She could probably use a friend to be there while she navigates it. However, the nature of the crime being what it is, you have to know where your own boundaries are and how much it might cost you to defend them while she works it out. If she ever does. You are under no obligation to do that whatsoever. This is one of those situations where it's fine to walk away without guilt.

Original poster
Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 20:20

All of your responses are so helpful and are putting things into words that I have been struggling with. Yes, she has had poor mental health in the past and has a crappy history with relationships, but nothing like this. She has talked about being a character witness in court, which I've tried to dissuade her from offering to do. No one else in our friendship group knows and it would be better for her to drop him immediately so that by the time the court case comes up, she could be totally distanced from it all. I don't believe she had any knowledge of this side of him, but do think she is overly invested in the relationship.
At least I know that this situation doesn't have a straightforward answer, as all of your replies have demonstrated. It's so difficult 😔

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 26/10/2023 20:25

i dont get why shes having a mh breakdown over an ex-how long have they been split up

the fact is hes probably been doing this a long time and they finally got the chance to catch him-its not a one off

Thebigblueballoon · 26/10/2023 20:45

Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 20:20

All of your responses are so helpful and are putting things into words that I have been struggling with. Yes, she has had poor mental health in the past and has a crappy history with relationships, but nothing like this. She has talked about being a character witness in court, which I've tried to dissuade her from offering to do. No one else in our friendship group knows and it would be better for her to drop him immediately so that by the time the court case comes up, she could be totally distanced from it all. I don't believe she had any knowledge of this side of him, but do think she is overly invested in the relationship.
At least I know that this situation doesn't have a straightforward answer, as all of your replies have demonstrated. It's so difficult 😔

Don’t reveal this to your friendship circle. It’s only going to make it so much worse for her. Give her time to process what has happened.

Gro · 26/10/2023 20:54

If I were you I think I would go low contact until he is convicted (only converstions about you and her, nothing about him) Then see what her response is when he is convicted. She may stay on his side in which case I would have to break the friendship. Or she may see sense and realise just how awful he is. In which case I would try to save the friendship. 30 years is a long time so it is such a difficult decision for you and I honestly don't know if this is what I would actually do.

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