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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off friend of nearly 30 years?

184 replies

Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 13:31

Name changed as very outing.
I have a very good friend, been with me through lots of life's milestones, always there when I've needed her. Now I feel like the worst friend as I can't be there for her right now. Her ex has been arrested and remanded out of the blue, and turns out he has been caught in an undercover online sting and arrested when arriving at a house to carry out child sex abuse that had been planned online with an undercover police officer. She's in pieces and is verging on suicidal, but wants to stand by him. Has visited him on remand, is listening to his excuses and even justifying that there wasn't a victim so not that bad. I've said no, I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him. When they were dating, she brought him to my house and to watch my son in a school event. She seems confused why that is upsetting me. I feel guilty to desert her when she's suicidal, but I can't play any part in this. (She has other MH services involved).
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, or if you think I am, explain why? His shitty choices have ruined a great friendship, but I'm more upset about how poor her boundaries are with this. This is no doubt due to her mental health, but I can't see a way to support her that doesn't involve listening to her making excuses and down playing what he's done.

OP posts:
PoachedEggSandwich · 26/10/2023 15:59

She knows where I stand and seems to have got the message today that I don't want anymore than to check she is alright.
Well there you go then. Walk away. She's clearly not alright and maybe having got your message, she won't bother you any further

Chocaholic4672 · 26/10/2023 15:59

I understand how you are feeling however I think it would be a shitty thing to dump a friend who is clearly traumatised. She probably has no idea how to feel and is on auto pilot. It's early days and she is still processing it all.
I am sure she will have more judgement and hostility from many people, don't be one of them.

horseyhorsey17 · 26/10/2023 16:00

You can't be friends with her.

The scales may fall from her eyes soon though, he will have been gaslighting and grooming her for this very eventuality.

verdantverdure · 26/10/2023 16:01

I don't usually have "red lines" as such but I think making excuses for a child abuser might be one.

Every objective observer knows that the only reason he didn't abuse a child when he turned up to abuse a child is because no child was there.

You could try and hang on until he's convicted @Seakayaker100?

If she's still making excuses for him then, then... Glitterball

Assuming he gets convicted.

I know women do defend men who do unforgivable things.

At my friend's rape trial the rapist's mother and girlfriend shouted "slag" at her outside court. He got off and then we found out it wasn't his first rodeo. I expect he'll get off the next time too.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/10/2023 16:03

Unless he has children with this man he's you EX, he's not part of your life any more

Allegedly

Like yourself I feel there's probably more to this story, and as said upthread I do have to wonder just how much of an "ex" he is

verdantverdure · 26/10/2023 16:03

horseyhorsey17 · 26/10/2023 16:00

You can't be friends with her.

The scales may fall from her eyes soon though, he will have been gaslighting and grooming her for this very eventuality.

Yes he probably will have been.

VWdieselnightmare · 26/10/2023 16:05

ManateeFair · 26/10/2023 15:46

Read the OP's other comments in the thread.

The man is not her friend's husband or even her boyfriend. He is an ex - they didn't even live together even when they were a couple. He's literally just a bloke she dated for a while. They have no ties to one another.

This isn't a situation where a woman's life has been turned upside-down by an accusation against the husband or partner she shares her whole life with. It's a situation where a man someone used to date was caught in the act of planning and trying to attend the rape of a child, and his ex-girlfriend has inexplicably decided that this is the time to rekindle her previous relationship with him. Very different.

Show quote history

Ah, okay — I started responding when the OP had posted just the one post and then the phone rang and I came back to things later. I'd assumed from the original post that the ex was someone who the friend had been involved with for years until relatively recently.

I hate drip feeds.

This now sounds like the typical messy situation people get themselves in when everyone involved is having a strong emotional reaction. Difficult to understand the friend's reaction. Easier to understand the OP's righteous 'it's him or me' response, though I'd repeat that I don't think someone who's a real friend would threaten to stomp out on a point of principle when their dear friend is expressing suicidal thoughts.

Sittingonabench · 26/10/2023 16:07

I do t think YABU but at the same time I think giving her a bit of grace while she comes to terms would be the best way forward. I don’t really think this is about him but about her. If everything they say is true, not only has she fallen for every lie but she has loved the man and worse facilitated his potential abuse against vulnerable people she cares for. I can’t imagine the guilt and fear associated with that. So she is trying to find ways around it. To support her I would consistently and repeatedly state that she has done nothing wrong. Whenever she makes an excuse for him it would be no but you did nothing wrong.like I say I don’t think YABU but I do think this is the time she needs you most.

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 16:08

It sounds like she is in shock and having to deal with this awful situation.

She's in denial

Continue to be there for her but be very clear you do not support her having any contact with him

she needs relevant support from professionals

Chickenkeev · 26/10/2023 16:12

theduchessofspork · 26/10/2023 14:16

I’d imagine that she’s in total shock right now, unable to think rationally, desperately hoping there’s been a terrible mistake - hence the complete denial.

Her understanding of her marriage and her life partner has just been wiped out - she’s lost the past she thought she had as well as the future she was expecting. The betrayal and horror would be unimaginable.

Obviously if she keeps it up longer term, no one could support that, but right now yes you should be supporting her - because she really needs you right now.

If you are friends of 30 years you can perfectly well say to her, I am here to support you and I understand what X has done is not something you can process right now - but I cannot listen to you defend him - so let’s agree not to talk about him. If she can’t do that, you can still support her via messages.

If you’ve been friends with this woman for 30 years, I assume she isn’t a twat so she will come to her senses in good time.

So yes, I think you are being very unreasonable in not being as much of a friend as you can be. I also think you are unreasonable to have bought your son into this - you may well be upset about that, but she doesn’t need that on her plate now.

I couldn't do that tbh. I'd tell her i'd be there when she dumped him but i couldn't be that shoulder to cry on while she's with him.

Prinnny · 26/10/2023 16:17

I absolutely would walk away if she didn’t fully cut him off. He tried to meet a child for sex. How can she defend that? I couldn’t be friends with someone like that.

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2023 16:26

How is she 'standing by him', if he's her ex?

AluckyEllie · 26/10/2023 16:29

How does she not realise it doesn’t matter it was a made up child. He thought it was a real child and went there with the intent to have sex with them. He’s a sex offender. Disgusting. Is she thick as shit? Ridiculous. Point that out to her and refer to him as a paedophile, maybe then she might get the message.

Original poster
Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 16:30

pinkyredrose · 26/10/2023 16:26

How is she 'standing by him', if he's her ex?

She's looking after his house, fetching him things, visiting him, taking his calls....

OP posts:
BalletBob · 26/10/2023 16:33

PoachedEggSandwich · 26/10/2023 15:59

She knows where I stand and seems to have got the message today that I don't want anymore than to check she is alright.
Well there you go then. Walk away. She's clearly not alright and maybe having got your message, she won't bother you any further

So what should OP be doing then? What does "standing by" her friend actually look like? You are obviously implying that OP should be doing more than being open to dialogue about how her friend is doing. OP is, quite reasonably, not open to dialogue about how this man is innocent/misunderstood/a victim etc. So what support should she be offering?

Abitofalark · 26/10/2023 16:34

It makes no sense to say he's an ex and she has chosen him over you. How is he an ex? It has to mean something.

I wouldn't drop a longstanding friend when she is suicidal. It's a crisis to be got through. Not saying you are wrong in what you think or do or that she is right. It's your personal dilemma.

More generally, when abused women remain with bad men, we don't agree with it and can't fathom it or reason them out of it but they still need support. If we based our actions on believing they are wrong to do so they would never get any help.

Humblebottomous · 26/10/2023 16:34

She has had a massive, massive shock. It might take some time for it to fully sink in. Don’t make any hasty decisions, if she does choose to walk away from the relationship then she’ll need your support more than ever. Just take a step back for now and see how things go.

But yeah, if she chooses to stay with him long term then by all means cut ties with her.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:35

I don’t give a shit about her mental health, she made her bed when she stuck by a paedophile, now she has to lie in it.

Block her and delete her everywhere.

beatrix1234 · 26/10/2023 16:36

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/10/2023 16:03

Unless he has children with this man he's you EX, he's not part of your life any more

Allegedly

Like yourself I feel there's probably more to this story, and as said upthread I do have to wonder just how much of an "ex" he is

Or how much she knew about his “little hobbie” prior to his arrest. Most probably his computer and phone has been seized, so a lot of information may come out. I’ll leave it there.

Original poster
Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 16:37

AluckyEllie · 26/10/2023 16:29

How does she not realise it doesn’t matter it was a made up child. He thought it was a real child and went there with the intent to have sex with them. He’s a sex offender. Disgusting. Is she thick as shit? Ridiculous. Point that out to her and refer to him as a paedophile, maybe then she might get the message.

I don't know. She's very intelligent and has had very sound judgement for as long as I've known her. It's why I am doubting myself and what to do in this situation. It's totally alien to me that our opinions are so polar opposite as we've always been so similar. I just can't see why anyone would want to help a person accused of child sex crimes when he doesn't even deny what he's done

OP posts:
TenderDandelions · 26/10/2023 16:37

IMO it's not even the "standing by him" that's the issue. It's the fact that she seems to not think it's even an issue as the "child" he'd gone along to abuse wasn't actually real.

That's the issue for me. What if the child had been real? What if the child was hers? Or yours??

Nah - I wouldn't even be saying "while you're supporting him I can't support you", I'd be saying "If you can't see that what he's done is a crime, I can't have you around my children or me - you're as bad as he is." Maybe not quite as blunt as that if she's fragile mentally, but she has to understand that arranging to go and abuse a child, whether he would have gone through with it or not, is a massive deal!

BalletBob · 26/10/2023 16:37

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:35

I don’t give a shit about her mental health, she made her bed when she stuck by a paedophile, now she has to lie in it.

Block her and delete her everywhere.

What a simplistic stance.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 26/10/2023 16:39

It’s not simplistic to have zero tolerance for people who advocate for paedophiles.

momonpurpose · 26/10/2023 16:42

You are 1000% in the right. Regardless of her mental health she's disgusting to have even considered being by his side much less being by his side. I hope there are no children in that house

Sothisiit · 26/10/2023 16:43

They are his crimes and not hers so you should be a friend to her. Whilst you might not agree with her choices at the moment you should stillbe there to support where possible. I time I'm sure she'll see the light and his true colours.
If being there means keeping your distance and just talking on the phone then that's OK.
She does not deserve to be dumped by her friends while she adjusts and comes to terms with the shock and reality of his crime.