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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off friend of nearly 30 years?

184 replies

Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 13:31

Name changed as very outing.
I have a very good friend, been with me through lots of life's milestones, always there when I've needed her. Now I feel like the worst friend as I can't be there for her right now. Her ex has been arrested and remanded out of the blue, and turns out he has been caught in an undercover online sting and arrested when arriving at a house to carry out child sex abuse that had been planned online with an undercover police officer. She's in pieces and is verging on suicidal, but wants to stand by him. Has visited him on remand, is listening to his excuses and even justifying that there wasn't a victim so not that bad. I've said no, I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him. When they were dating, she brought him to my house and to watch my son in a school event. She seems confused why that is upsetting me. I feel guilty to desert her when she's suicidal, but I can't play any part in this. (She has other MH services involved).
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, or if you think I am, explain why? His shitty choices have ruined a great friendship, but I'm more upset about how poor her boundaries are with this. This is no doubt due to her mental health, but I can't see a way to support her that doesn't involve listening to her making excuses and down playing what he's done.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 26/10/2023 14:16

I’d imagine that she’s in total shock right now, unable to think rationally, desperately hoping there’s been a terrible mistake - hence the complete denial.

Her understanding of her marriage and her life partner has just been wiped out - she’s lost the past she thought she had as well as the future she was expecting. The betrayal and horror would be unimaginable.

Obviously if she keeps it up longer term, no one could support that, but right now yes you should be supporting her - because she really needs you right now.

If you are friends of 30 years you can perfectly well say to her, I am here to support you and I understand what X has done is not something you can process right now - but I cannot listen to you defend him - so let’s agree not to talk about him. If she can’t do that, you can still support her via messages.

If you’ve been friends with this woman for 30 years, I assume she isn’t a twat so she will come to her senses in good time.

So yes, I think you are being very unreasonable in not being as much of a friend as you can be. I also think you are unreasonable to have bought your son into this - you may well be upset about that, but she doesn’t need that on her plate now.

LadyGAgain · 26/10/2023 14:18

He's her EX? Do they have children together and how old are they?

DuploTrain · 26/10/2023 14:19

I would also give her a few weeks.

It must be incredibly difficult for her to accept that she has been with this man - her subconscious is probably trying to protect itself by convincing herself it can’t be true / there must be a mistake.

Also, it might have been quite a controlling/ abusive relationship which might be influencing how she’s reacting.

Createausername1970 · 26/10/2023 14:24

What he has done is appalling and there is no excuse.

My guess is your friend is still reeling and coming to terms with it. Must have been a huge shock if she wasn't aware. And if my hubby were to be accused of something like this I would be saying there must be some mistake.

I would want to know whether she knew, or had an inkling beforehand. If she did, then this would be the deal breaker. I couldn't trust her anymore.

If she had no idea, then I would give her a bit of time to process it. Plus, mistakes do happen and whilst this sounds fairly cut and dry, it would be awful if you dropped her straight away then it turned out he was innocent.

So I guess I might not be dropping her immediately, I would give her time to process the reality of it, but I would be having conversations along the lines that she needs to face up to it. If she then continued to make excuses, then I would walk away.

fortheloveofflowers · 26/10/2023 14:28

If it’s that one in Milton Keynes, he was already on the sex offenders register by the looks of it.

I could not be friends or support someone being a paedo excuser.

fortheloveofflowers · 26/10/2023 14:29

Your OP also states it was her ex?? Even worse that she is supporting him and minimising what he’s done.

TeeedleDum · 26/10/2023 14:30

Oof that is awful. That's a very tough position for your friend to find herself in. I'd be tempted to write her a compassionate text/ email/ letter explaining you value your friendship, you're worried about her, want to support her but can not condone or support her accepting his behaviour.

Persimmon23 · 26/10/2023 14:34

OP I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. you want to support and help your friend and, strange as it may sound, by refusing to engage with her because of him and his behaviour you are helping her. It may well be that she thinks @Seakayaker100 isnt talking to me, my friend of 30 years through everything has has to step away from me because what my partner has done is so bad.

It might shock her into realising what and who he is. That doesn't negate your feelings however, that's just awful for you on some many levels. Are there any mutual friends who are still in touch with her that you could reach out to to kind of keep an eye on her?

Nicole1111 · 26/10/2023 14:38

How long has it been? If it’s very recent then I would suggest distancing yourself temporarily as partners of sex offenders can take a while to move from the initial denial stage and an initial reaction like hers is surprisingly common. If it’s been months though and she’s still not evidencing a shift in her thinking it’s reasonable to cut the friendship and may prompt her to see how abhorrent his crime truly is

BananaHamster · 26/10/2023 14:40

I would do the exact same, I couldn't even talk to someone whose sympathetic to a pedo much less be friends with them says a lot of about her own morals. 🤢

Blobblobblob · 26/10/2023 14:41

He is a piece of shit.

If she defends him she is the same.

It really is that simple.

Original poster
Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 14:41

Thank you for all your replies, they are giving me plenty to think about. Someone said the word tainted, and that's exactly what I feel when I look at my kids (I have more than one), just knowing he was briefly in their lives. There is absolutely no possibility he did anything to them, but just the thought of him looking at photos she has taken of them feels tainted. She doesn't have children but would dearly like them.
I think it is some denial on her part, but I had such high opinions of her and her moral fibre before this, that his seems so shocking to me.
When we didn't know the details to start with, she said absolutely wouldn't stand by him if victim was vulnerable or child. This shocked me as I would say any sex crime is a no. But now she's sticking by him when it does involve a (made up) child. I'm shocked and reeling from that too. This is so difficult.

OP posts:
LaDerniereVacheFolle · 26/10/2023 14:42

Yanbu.

Original poster
Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 14:42

Oh, and it's not the case in Milton Keynes.

OP posts:
LookingForPurpose · 26/10/2023 14:42

You are absolutely in the right to choose to have nothing to do with him or anybody that supports him.

But

My son was arrested for "making" several illegal images ( this means downloading them or sharing them online, not actually creating them like a director or photographer). I can't even begin to explain how hard it is when confronted with this and the offender is somebody that you love.

OF COURSE she doesn't want to believe it. She is deluding herself because the alternative is that she chose a rapist of children. Her entire time with him will have been a farce. Either way she will be scorned by society regardless, she must have known, she's as bad as him etc I know as that's what my entire family went through when my sons case went public at sentencing and my son didn't hurt anybody either.

I can not stress how fucking AWFUL it is for the family surrounding an offender. I find it impossible to have any sympathy with the offender, I can't feel anything but anger for the victims of child abuse. It's a very conflicting and confusing time for her.

2-3 years on since sentencing, 5 years on since his arrest as a 18 yo and I am still in and out of therapy. I doubt I'm ever fully going to get over it and I was incredibly lucky that I retained a few friends despite still seeing my son and trying to reconcile what he's done with who I love.

BananaHamster · 26/10/2023 14:45

Seakayaker100 · 26/10/2023 14:41

Thank you for all your replies, they are giving me plenty to think about. Someone said the word tainted, and that's exactly what I feel when I look at my kids (I have more than one), just knowing he was briefly in their lives. There is absolutely no possibility he did anything to them, but just the thought of him looking at photos she has taken of them feels tainted. She doesn't have children but would dearly like them.
I think it is some denial on her part, but I had such high opinions of her and her moral fibre before this, that his seems so shocking to me.
When we didn't know the details to start with, she said absolutely wouldn't stand by him if victim was vulnerable or child. This shocked me as I would say any sex crime is a no. But now she's sticking by him when it does involve a (made up) child. I'm shocked and reeling from that too. This is so difficult.

Good job she didn't have kids to be honest. There's denial and there's sympathy and she's giving him sympathy. Therefore she's on the same level as him.

Antst · 26/10/2023 14:47

The title of your post is about cutting her off, but within your post, you say "I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him."

These are two very different sentiments. Either one would be fair enough because you're 100% right that she'd be putting any children in your life (and any other children she deals with) at risk if she stands by this predator. You should avoid her until you're convinced he is no longer around.

However, "I can't support this" means leaving the door open if she ever DID come to her senses and ditch him, whereas "cutting her off" means ending your friendship for good.

If she has been a good friend, then I'd go with "I can't support this." I.e., step back unless he is gone from her life but don't end things for good. Let's hope she needs a bit of time to process the situation and will come to her senses. If she never gets rid of him, stay away from her.

Good luck.

Wheredidyougonow · 26/10/2023 14:48

funbags3 · 26/10/2023 13:59

I would probably tell her that I'd be there for her when she came to her senses.
At the moment, it sounds as if she's very much in denial.

Oh boo. Please don't excuse her. She's standing by a paedo- what is there to be confused or wringing her hands about. She's actually entertaining the idea that he is a victim??

WeightWhat · 26/10/2023 14:49

LookingForPurpose · 26/10/2023 14:42

You are absolutely in the right to choose to have nothing to do with him or anybody that supports him.

But

My son was arrested for "making" several illegal images ( this means downloading them or sharing them online, not actually creating them like a director or photographer). I can't even begin to explain how hard it is when confronted with this and the offender is somebody that you love.

OF COURSE she doesn't want to believe it. She is deluding herself because the alternative is that she chose a rapist of children. Her entire time with him will have been a farce. Either way she will be scorned by society regardless, she must have known, she's as bad as him etc I know as that's what my entire family went through when my sons case went public at sentencing and my son didn't hurt anybody either.

I can not stress how fucking AWFUL it is for the family surrounding an offender. I find it impossible to have any sympathy with the offender, I can't feel anything but anger for the victims of child abuse. It's a very conflicting and confusing time for her.

2-3 years on since sentencing, 5 years on since his arrest as a 18 yo and I am still in and out of therapy. I doubt I'm ever fully going to get over it and I was incredibly lucky that I retained a few friends despite still seeing my son and trying to reconcile what he's done with who I love.

@LookingForPurpose That sounds so tough for you (and brave of you to post).

How long did it take for you to accept that your DS had done the thing he was accused of? Do you think the OP’s friend will ever acknowledge the seriousness?

funbags3 · 26/10/2023 14:52

@Wheredidyougonow Nothing is ever black/white.
There's been no trial yet, as I can see. You have no idea what he has been saying to her. Of course she's in denial after all, why would you believe someone you love could be capable of such acts?

Thebigblueballoon · 26/10/2023 14:54

LookingForPurpose · 26/10/2023 14:42

You are absolutely in the right to choose to have nothing to do with him or anybody that supports him.

But

My son was arrested for "making" several illegal images ( this means downloading them or sharing them online, not actually creating them like a director or photographer). I can't even begin to explain how hard it is when confronted with this and the offender is somebody that you love.

OF COURSE she doesn't want to believe it. She is deluding herself because the alternative is that she chose a rapist of children. Her entire time with him will have been a farce. Either way she will be scorned by society regardless, she must have known, she's as bad as him etc I know as that's what my entire family went through when my sons case went public at sentencing and my son didn't hurt anybody either.

I can not stress how fucking AWFUL it is for the family surrounding an offender. I find it impossible to have any sympathy with the offender, I can't feel anything but anger for the victims of child abuse. It's a very conflicting and confusing time for her.

2-3 years on since sentencing, 5 years on since his arrest as a 18 yo and I am still in and out of therapy. I doubt I'm ever fully going to get over it and I was incredibly lucky that I retained a few friends despite still seeing my son and trying to reconcile what he's done with who I love.

Wow, this is so horrible. I can’t imagine how you deal with this. Is your son in prison? Do you feel he has changed or could ever change? I really feel for you. I can imagine you’re faced with an almost impossible situation when the criminal is your own child.

Tallulah1972 · 26/10/2023 14:56

Why is she feeling so much for him if he’s her ex?

laclochette · 26/10/2023 14:59

I agree with PP saying she is in denial. That doesn't make your experience of her denial any less horrible or traumatic for you.
I agree with those who've said that you should leave the door open to her - there is every chance that when her denial gives way to realisation of what he's really like, she will be devastated and feel more alone than she's ever felt in her life. That's when she will need you and her other friends most, so telling her that you cannot listen to her defence of a man who has done this, but that should she ever feel differently about him, your door is open to her - might be a good approach.

User0000009 · 26/10/2023 15:00

Your friend is attempting to defend the indefensible. Her own morals are therefore questionable. You are right to walk away.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/10/2023 15:00

Ellie1015 · 26/10/2023 13:53

If i could support her while she knows I completely disagree with her postion to stand by him i would for the short term hoping that she is in some kind of shock or grief for losing the partner she thought she had and will come to her senses.

If she sticks to her excuses and stands by him longer term then i couldn't be friends with her.

This is my own view, though it would have to be clear that it meant supporting only her and that no conversations about "poor man ..." would be entered into.
If this wouldn't be possible or welcome then I'd have to step back

On another note, why is she so keen to stand by someone who is after all an ex?
That sounds odd in itself, and might be a worthwhile line of enquiry?

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