To cut off friend of nearly 30 years?

[Seakayaker100]

Name changed as very outing.
I have a very good friend, been with me through lots of life's milestones, always there when I've needed her. Now I feel like the worst friend as I can't be there for her right now. Her ex has been arrested and remanded out of the blue, and turns out he has been caught in an undercover online sting and arrested when arriving at a house to carry out child sex abuse that had been planned online with an undercover police officer. She's in pieces and is verging on suicidal, but wants to stand by him. Has visited him on remand, is listening to his excuses and even justifying that there wasn't a victim so not that bad. I've said no, I can't support her in this, and that despite not being convicted yet, I want no part in anything or anyone involved with him. When they were dating, she brought him to my house and to watch my son in a school event. She seems confused why that is upsetting me. I feel guilty to desert her when she's suicidal, but I can't play any part in this. (She has other MH services involved).
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable, or if you think I am, explain why? His shitty choices have ruined a great friendship, but I'm more upset about how poor her boundaries are with this. This is no doubt due to her mental health, but I can't see a way to support her that doesn't involve listening to her making excuses and down playing what he's done.

This is the only response when a child is involved. Thank God for this sting operation getting some of these creatures off the streets.

I’d cut her off and not feel bad. No way in hell would I stay in touch with her if that is her attitude.

She may very well not "advocate for paedophiles" 🙄 She's probably in complete shock and her head is spinning. People don't always have the reaction that everyone else would like in the hours, days, weeks after receiving news like this. If she's still making excuses when the shock has subsided then you'd have a point. As it is, you're displaying zero emotional intelligence and yes, thinking simplistically.

I disagree, I think it shows she has zero moral compass. Her partner was going to rape a child, the only correct response is revulsion.

I give zero shits if you think this shows no emotional intelligence, I’m certain I have more of it than you.

This is the first time he’s been caught. He will have other victims she doesn’t know about. These predators don’t decide just to try it out once.

And they purposely choose partners with very bad boundaries for a reason. I’d cut all ties with anyone who supports a paedophile.

I’m reasonable enough to understand they need support from professionals paid to do it when they’re released from prison but I have zero tolerance for them.

I appreciate this is very difficult for you but you can’t trust someone who chooses to be in denial about such a serious issue. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. Incredibly intelligent people say and do stupid things all the time when they think they’re doing it for a good reason,

I had a relative this happened to and she threw her OH out and divorced him. There were adopted children involved and she had to protect them. He has never admitted guilt or shown remorse and she is well shot of him. He always was a selfish entitled bully. It was the reason that gave her the strength to get rid of him. Needless to say her friends all stood by her.

Stay away, this is her journey to travel alone, because she has chosen to side with a paedophile.

Wow how rude! It's not about a moral compass it's about how the brain reacts to shock

It's similar to a bereavement. One of the stages is disbelief and denial

The friend has had everything she believed in torn apart , he life as she knew it has gone. As has her future.

It's not about her condoning his actions. Her brain hasn't got the capacity right now to deal with the reality.

The realisation will come soon enough when her brain can cope she is in utter shock a friend of 30 years needs to be there for her. Get her appropriate help and support. The police should be able to assist

I wouldn't abandon her no atleast in the shorter term but I would have very very clear boundaries and I wouldn't sugar coat how I feel about it. It sounds like she's in denial because it's too painful for her. I would give her time about this.

i would reconsider that if she buckled down and stayed with him long term but right now I think she needs a friend.

Really shocked at how many people are making excuses for this grown woman. The man is a child rapist (doesn’t matter that there’s no child, maybe there has been in his past and he certainly thought there was going to be in his present). If she’s so feeble and weak as to be standing by him and making excuses for him I’d want nothing further to do with her. She disgusts me, as would any other person who excuses anyone of this kind of disgusting behaviour. MH is not a pass to be a jerk and being a woman is not a pass for being weak and feeble minded.

I agree and I don’t think you’re being rude at all. Seems the do-gooders are out in force today.

It’s very common for females to stay with them and defend them. I have known a couple, I can’t understand it at all

His alleged behaviour is indefensible.
Her support of him is too, although I've seen that sort of support in similar cases.

You must set your own boundaries, and this seems perfectly fair and right in the circumstances given.

This will be a huge shock to you too and you need to feel safe. Do what is right for you.

Please take care of yourself.

YABU

I obviously would make my view on him very clear but it’s obvious that she’s in denial.

They’re not even together anymore.

I would take a step back from her but I wouldn’t end the friendship.

I would tell her that you don’t want to hear anything about him but that you’ll continue being her friend for now.

If in a couple of months time she’s still defending him then you’ll have no choice but to end the friendship.

I watched a programme, I think it was called my husband is a peadophile.
And it followed women who’s husbands were convicted.
I remember one woman who was in complete denial and stuck by him, visiting him in prison etc saying to the camera he’s the love of her life etc.
Then one day it hit her and she divorced him and wanted nothing to do with him ever again and was disgusted by him.

Your friend needs time to process this all.
I would be disgusted that she is doing so much for him but I can bet that it doesn’t last.

Ultimately, you need to do what’s right for you.
If you find that this is something you can’t cope with then end the friendship.

It isn’t even her partner, it’s her ex that she never even lived with!!!

There is no reason at all for her to stand by this man! I think she’s getting off on the drama of it all and being needed.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable but I would give her some time and say that if she does change her mind/come to her senses you would be there for her. I just think leaving the door open as once reality sets in she may come to her senses so just knowing she isn’t alone if that is the case.

It’s not your responsibility to do so but I would consider sign posting to documentaries about online CSE as I’ve seen some and they are quite harrowing it might make her realise the impact of what he is doing

I would say she is in denial. As he is not the person she thought. She has probably been gaslighted by him. Possibly having had an affect on her mental health. Short term I would stand by her. In the hope she sees sense. Listening to her won’t be easy though.

So much this!!

Can't believe people are talking about shock, disbelief, stages of grief... this isn't her husband or father of her children, it's an ex boyfriend she never lived with and has no ties to!
If she doesn't dump him like a ton of bricks for his dispicable behaviour, then I'd certainly dump her.

OP said herself she's made it known to her friend that she can't support her in this, and wants no part in anything or anyone involved with him, I.e her friend, so what is she checking in with her for?

I'd say you can't support her while she stands by him but leave the door open. Her partner may have her under his spell and the fog hasn't lifted yet for her

Yuck, those kind of women make me so angry. Yes be shocked, yes be disgusted, yes be traumatised by it but none of those things justify standing by someone. All the excuses people on here are giving this woman is shocking.

It's very weird behaviour on her part.

You mention she's verging on suicidal. Has she always had mental health issues, or is this the first time she's reacted to something in this way?

Given that they (I assume) had split up before he was arrested (and that she doesn't believe he's a genuine paedophile anyway) that is a very extreme reaction. If an ex of mine was arrested for something like that, I'd be shocked, certainly, and I'd feel a sense of horror at once having dated someone who would do something like that (or if for some reason I didn't believe they would do something like that, I'd think 'How terrible, surely that can't be true' but I wouldn't think it rendered my life no longer worth living. They weren't even a couple, so it's not like his arrest has changed her daily life or future in some way, like it would have done if he was her husband/partner. So for her to be suicidal (so much so that MH services are aware she's a risk to herself) I would have assumed that either a) she had existing significant MH problems before this happened and/or b) there is more to this than meets the eye, in terms of their relationship or past. I'd be wondering if she knew about and chose to ignore some dubious inclinations on his part, or whether there's something in her past that means this incident has triggered her response.

This vile man will need to be showing a semblance of 'normality ' for the court.
Your friend is fitting this role perfectly.
I would hazard a guess he contacted her?
It does not surprise me to hear your friend has poor mental health, just the right target for him.
Whether you hang on just in case she sees the light is a difficult question.
But for a 30 year friendship I think I'd try.

Can't believe people are talking about shock, disbelief, stages of grief... this isn't her husband or father of her children, it's an ex boyfriend she never lived with and has no ties to!

Quite

Unless - I'll mention it again - he never was an "ex" and she's just not saying