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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I pay for everything in relationship

480 replies

Mydogisamentalist · 26/10/2023 09:25

I’m annoyed. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half (we don’t live together but have talked about moving in together in the future). I’m finding that I’m repeatedly paying for nearly everything and it’s really starting to grate.

He claims to be completely skint. I do believe him. I know he uses food banks to feed himself, lives with family and doesn’t earn enough after paying off various debts to finance a place of his own. He’s very focussed on clearing the debt but it can be almost like tunnel vision and I feel like I'm paying for him so he can clear his debt faster. As I said I do believe him (seen the food bank vouchers etc) but I find if he absolutely needs to find the money for something he does manage it. Which makes me wonder…

Example, yesterday we went out for a date night. Pub and cinema, nothing extravagant. I had a discount voucher for said pub but was also aware the pub would be more expensive than the cinema so I said upfront I’d pay for food. I also paid for food the week before so technically it was his turn but in my head I’d thought/hoped he’d pay for the cinema and I’d have been fine with that!

Got to the cinema and he needed the toilet so I went to queue for tickets while he went to pee. Bit narked. He got out of the toilet. It still wasn’t my turn to pay and instead of coming to join me in the queue he hung back by the wall. Went to pay and the film we were going to see was full so I needed him to come and decide on another film/showing so called him over. He was standing right there and didn’t make any attempt or offer to pay for anything! He also requested a drink and while I don’t like to feel petty… it just really wound me up.

This situation is common. Maybe once in every four date nights he will pay for food. When that happens I will stay pay for the cinema/mini golf/whatever else we are doing. He never pays for both.

I think this week it’s bothering me a bit more than normal. It’s my birthday on the weekend. Last year my birthday was abysmal and a large part of that was caused by him. It’s in the past now and I know he is genuinely sorry but I spent my last birthday crying all day because of how he treated me.
We have plans for a night away going to my absolute favourite place… sounds lovely but you’ve guessed it… so far everything has been organised and paid for by me. I’ve paid for the hotel, the travel, activity entry and he hasn’t offered any of those things. I’m torn because it was my choice to go and do this and he probably would never have picked it if he had to arrange something due to the cost, but not even picking up the tab for one of those things has left a bad taste in my mouth.
He has said that he plans on paying for food for us both while we are away and has a particular restaurant planned. I think if he comes through with that I’ll be happy. It won’t be completely even but it will show consideration and it will be a lot more even than it is now! I’m just concerned that we will get there and he won’t, or he won’t offer immediately and it will be awkward. I’m just very concerned I’m going to be paying for everything this weekend on top of the expense I’ve already forked out and I’ll feel worthless and like I don’t deserve any effort.

I can’t work out if aibu or not because of his financial situation. Am I? How do I navigate this!?

OP posts:
NewYorkBride · 26/10/2023 09:31

Has it always been like this? Did he pay for earlier dates? Is your job much better paid than his?

Zanina · 26/10/2023 09:31

Hmm I personally would say not to make long term life plans with this person. I think you may need to gauge if he would be like this even after he clears his debts. And imagine if you both had children, would you have to work and provide for your family alone with little respite for yourself. You sound like a lovely kind person with zest. Unfortunately miserly people suck the life out of you xx

Whoopsadaisydownagain · 26/10/2023 09:32

Your relationship isn't girlfriend/ boyfriend , it's giver/ taker .
I could be with someone who earns less than me , has less disposable income etc.
But to pay for everything the majority of the time ? No thanks , bin him off .
Be wiser and richer !

Solongtoshort · 26/10/2023 09:32

Do yourself a favour for your birthday and take a friend instead If you stay with this man this is likely to be your life, otherwise in years to come you posting on her about splitting your finances. The person you should more in should have the same values in life as you.

Sleeplessinseattle234 · 26/10/2023 09:33

I do understand. But to me dinner and a cinema trip are a lot of money. If he has none I’m not surprised he didn’t want to help pay.

Helpisneeded100 · 26/10/2023 09:33

Hi Op,

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I’m sorry but I feel your boyfriend is taking advantage of you. It is not your responsibility to help him clear his debts, which you are inadvertently doing as you are funding his social life. Equally, if he doesn’t have a lot of money as he is focusing on clearing his debts, I wouldn’t expect him to pay for you. What really should be happening is your boyfriend should be paying for himself and if he can’t afford it then he can’t go to the activity, whether that’s the cinema, pub, night out or away.

It’s ok to put yourself first, perhaps your boyfriend isn’t in the right place right not for a relationship. You are not being selfish or materialistic by not paying for your boyfriend all of the time. I could understand perhaps once a month but not every time.

I would throw this one back, especially if he really upset you last birthday. Why not take a friend away for your birthday th is year?

Helpisneeded100 · 26/10/2023 09:35

@Sleeplessinseattle234 that is fair enough but then he should say sorry I can’t afford to go not take advantage of the op.

Doubleespresso23 · 26/10/2023 09:35

Clearing debts is good, but not to the point you’re relying on food banks. To me it’s a sign that he can’t manage money. He should be able to live while still prioritising debts. I also absolutely agree you shouldn’t be paying for everything but if he’s trying to clear debt he could at least plan a movie night in or cook a dinner for you. As you said it’s the gesture. I think he’s got used to you paying and not having to put the effort in and imo it’s the kind of behaviour that will continue if it’s not “nipped in the bud” so to speak. Xx

NotSuchASmugMarried · 26/10/2023 09:37

Where did you meet him? Surely he took you out in the beginning? Wined and dined you?

Idrinklotsofcoffee · 26/10/2023 09:38

Is this the life you want? What do you get out of this relationship? If this were my relationship, I would feel very resentful.

He has shown you who he is - believe him.

Lammveg · 26/10/2023 09:39

I mean if he's skint and using food banks he's not going to have much disposable income.

If its important to you that you each pay for stuff then you might just not be able to make this relationship work at present.

Sleeplessinseattle234 · 26/10/2023 09:39

@Helpisneeded100 having been there myself that is very hard to do and extremely embarrassing. As a one off yes. But on a continuous basis no. I have know a few couples where they have a very different scale of wages and it has always caused conflict. I’m not saying what he did was right. But saying no I cannot go as I don’t have the money is mortifying.

singlemum93 · 26/10/2023 09:40

YANBU. In my opinion he knows exactly what he is doing especially hanging back and going to the loo etc. I understand he might be embarrassed if he doesn't have the money but he should say he can't afford to go if he cannot pay for himself. Depending on his age etc why is he using food bank vouchers if living with family and does he have a job? How was the relationship when you first met? And why is he in so much debt? Sorrry OP but this relationship doesn't sound great. We've all made unwise decisions but it definitely sounds like he's taking advantage here.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/10/2023 09:42

Clearing debts is good, but not to the point you’re relying on food banks. To me it’s a sign that he can’t manage money. He should be able to live while still prioritising debts

This. No formal debt management arrangement will expect people to skimp on food while paying off debt. If he's not had advice on his debts, he should get help with putting together a sustainable budget that covers all his essential living costs and a small amount of discretionary spending, because that's what he would be advised by CAB or similar.

Currently, you're effectively paying off his debts for him, by covering some of his other costs, which of course you shouldn't need to do.

smldnlove · 26/10/2023 09:43

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t put up with this at all. He is clearing his debts and just growing yours. If he doesn’t have any money he should refuse to do any of these days and nights out if he is unable to afford them.

I think the communication is missing here and that’s something both of you need to do better on. He needs to communicate what is financially realistic for him and what isn’t and you need to communicate what you expect to be paying for and what you don’t - if you don’t you’ll only be miserable

IamSmarticus · 26/10/2023 09:44

To be honest, if he is that skint he is needing to use foodbanks, he isn't going to be able to fork out for meals out or cinema tickets. Same for hotels/travel/activites/birthday presents. Then again, should have said that he couldn't afford to go.

How close is he to paying off his debts, how much longer is this situation likely to go on for?

Bananalanacake · 26/10/2023 09:44

Don't move in with him, you will end up paying for everything.

barbarahunter · 26/10/2023 09:46

He's a tight git and he is using you. I bet he's salting away a nice little amount of his own money every month. Get rid.

Janieforever · 26/10/2023 09:48

If you want him to pay say something, stop just doing it and offering.

however if he’s so poor he can’t even feed himself and he needs to use food banks and live with his mum and dad, I’m not really sure what you’re hoping for. It would be better for him to pay to feed himself than a cinema ticket or dinner out.

ElleCapitaine · 26/10/2023 09:48

How much debt does he have that it’s made him practically destitute? That would be my worry. He lives at home and uses food banks - does he work? You say he has enough if he really wants something. I’m wondering if he has a habit of some sort - gambling/drugs - that means he appears to have no spare cash. I think you’ve got yourself a cocklodger who has shown his hand a bit too early.

EVHead · 26/10/2023 09:49

What happened on your birthday last year?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2023 09:51

He really saw you coming, op. There's a million things he could do to make an effort without using money, he just can't be bothered. You're there to bankroll his leisure time.

Cancel the hotel and dump this twat.

molotovcupcakes · 26/10/2023 09:51

Sounds like my ex husband.
It ended up with him being a stay at home dad and I had to work.
Don’t make my mistake.

TastelessMiserySand · 26/10/2023 09:51

When you said ge can find money for things if he really needs to, can you give an example? Are they big items or if he needs to pay a bill for example?
Either way, you sound like and I think you deserve far better than this treatment. Sending hugs x

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/10/2023 09:51

Doesn't he have a job?

He sounds pathetic. A grown able bodied man using food banks!

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