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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my mum

278 replies

Overthebow · 26/10/2023 01:12

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

OP posts:
NotAnotherPylon · 27/10/2023 22:54

ForfarBridie · 27/10/2023 18:57

found myself hosing shit off her dressing gown outdoors on Christmas morning in the middle of cooking Christmas lunch whilst DH stopped her from spreading it round the bathroom. The kids were crying because everyone was upset and the dog thought it was all great fun

I think you’ve made it very clear where your feelings lie but couldn’t you have found different words to describe her predicament? It must have been awful for her. For all of you. But mostly her. And she really does deserve a bit of compassion or discretion when describing what happened.

I couldn't disagree more. Having been through similar with my mum (who I loved very much), shit (and piss) just about sums it up. When you're stuck right in the middle of a scenario like that, there's nothing to be gained from sugar coating the description. My mum's bodily functions became the main focus of my life. I was absolutely fucking sick of cleaning up shit. That poster's description of Christmas Day is exactly how my life was for several years. Discretion be damned. This is an anonymous forum where people can tell it like it is.

LoreleiG · 27/10/2023 23:17

I think a lot of people here have no real idea how elderly care works. For example an adult child can’t just decide their parent with dementia will go into a home, it’s a longwinded process often involving everyone reaching rock bottom before the care home bit.

Lemonyfuckit · 27/10/2023 23:49

I think these things go both ways. I'll always support my DM, but she's always been there for me (ie as an adult too not just when I was a child). It sounds like you're not close with your DM and I'm sorry for that, but you don't owe her looking after her in her old age if she hasn't been particularly supportive of you when you've needed it.

gemma19846 · 28/10/2023 00:13

Yet here you are on MUMSnet...strange

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/10/2023 01:10

YANBU
You reap what you sow, in your Mums case

echt · 28/10/2023 01:45

Seeing as it;'s all transactional, @Overthebow , you won't be put out when your mother cuts you out of her Will.

ForfarBridie · 28/10/2023 02:11

NotAnotherPylon · 27/10/2023 22:54

I couldn't disagree more. Having been through similar with my mum (who I loved very much), shit (and piss) just about sums it up. When you're stuck right in the middle of a scenario like that, there's nothing to be gained from sugar coating the description. My mum's bodily functions became the main focus of my life. I was absolutely fucking sick of cleaning up shit. That poster's description of Christmas Day is exactly how my life was for several years. Discretion be damned. This is an anonymous forum where people can tell it like it is.

Show quote history

I’m still of the mind (based on my life experience of personal care for a loved) one that people can discuss how it is whilst giving thought to how we say something about the experience for the loved ones sake.

Coyoacan · 28/10/2023 04:09

Bature · 26/10/2023 05:28

I’m not British and I find a lot of the attitudes towards parents on here to be totally baffling. This woman raised you, was presumably a decent parent (as you haven’t said she wasn’t), but you’re unwilling to care for her in her dotage because she had the audacity to move away when you were an adult, as opposed to centring you.

It seems like some of you genuinely believe that unless you are the focal point of your parents’ existence forevermore, they have wronged you in some way. Yet, also feel little to no responsibility towards them. From the perspective of most other cultures, it’s chilling.

This. What a weird thread. I understand that looking after aging parents is no-one's idea of fun but the trumped-up excuses trying to make out that your mother failed you because she moved away when you were an adult is just nuts

GinLover198 · 28/10/2023 08:15

We reached rock bottom with DP’s father several times before help was given. We’d multiple meetings but because there was two of us who had stepped up to the plate (as we’d no option), it was deemed that our status quo could be allowed to continue. Covid hit & bang, any mention of additional help was pulled. We were administering personal care etc. DH’s father kept saying he was able to live independently despite us sitting in meeting saying his supposed independence was to the detriment of our family life & our health - there was no independent living. This continued for 4yrs until a review took place and it was deemed my DP’s father had been woefully let down.

Lolaandbehold · 28/10/2023 08:23

In the same way your mother owes you nothing in terms of childcare, it stands to reason that when she gets older in needs care, you don’t owe her anything either.

I would feel the same as you, OP, and I’d be letting her know that she can’t expect to live with you when she gets older.

SENDhelp2023 · 28/10/2023 08:34

My mil wants to move near us now shes old, very little support over the years, abusive at times. Nah

mouldyfalafel · 28/10/2023 08:51

NotAnotherPylon · 27/10/2023 22:54

I couldn't disagree more. Having been through similar with my mum (who I loved very much), shit (and piss) just about sums it up. When you're stuck right in the middle of a scenario like that, there's nothing to be gained from sugar coating the description. My mum's bodily functions became the main focus of my life. I was absolutely fucking sick of cleaning up shit. That poster's description of Christmas Day is exactly how my life was for several years. Discretion be damned. This is an anonymous forum where people can tell it like it is.

Show quote history

Totally agree with this and you have my support. I think its important to know the reality of what caring for an elderly person can actually look like. There are a lot of people on this thread who are on their high horse about it but have no clue what its like actually doing it. They seem to think its making a cup of tea now and then and having cosy chats. That is not the reality of caring for someone who is incontinent and has dementia for example. The reality is- you are often having to clean up poo/urine multiple times a day which is EXACTLY why people end up having nervous breakdowns and is exactly why its not as "easy" as people are making it out to be on this thread! If you are going to judge others for not taking on the caring role, at least have a decent grasp of what it actually involves, rather than having some misty eyed fantasy of a role you have no experience of.

PloddingAlong21 · 28/10/2023 09:07

I love my parents to pieces. Couldn’t have had better parents. They are truly amazing. I really really love them.

They also didn’t have me so they had a carer when they’re old. They have said they don’t want me caring for them. I have a child and work full time. Supporting them however is entirely different to being their carer. They’d never live with me and honestly they wouldn’t want too.

Delphinous78 · 28/10/2023 09:34

Yanbu! My parents were truly awful and had very little to do with me and my siblings as children. Children don't owe their parents a thing, especially when the hasn't been a relationship. My parents are African and culturally I'm supposed to step up and help then in their old age but I won't and neither will my siblings.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 10:22

echt · Today 01:45
**
Seeing as it;'s all transactional, @Overthebow , you won't be put out when your mother cuts you out of her will”

What an awful attitude @echt. no amount of money would induce me to do personal care for my parents. I’m no spring chicken myself and I haven’t been trained. I would far, far rather they spent their money on good, professional care.
our children feel the same way about us. They’re delighted that we’re downsizing from the family home to a more manageable place and want us to spend the proceeds on making our lives enjoyable and comfortable and independent for as long as possible. They don’t care about “inheritance”. No one who has their parents’ best interests at heart will.

MrsSkylerWhite · 28/10/2023 10:25

This. What a weird thread. I understand that looking after aging parents is no-one's idea of fun but the trumped-up excuses trying to make out that your mother failed you because she moved away when you were an adult is just nuts”

No trumped up excuses here, @Coyoacan . I don’t want to. No excuses required.

karpouzi · 28/10/2023 10:59

YUABU. Firstly in my opinion life is not just give and take. Did she raise you for the first 18 years of your life? Why do you overlook that? I personally lost my mum when I was 24 however I still pay for my grandmother’s care home. She didn't raise me or anything but I feel that this is the right thing to do.

TaaLaa · 28/10/2023 11:05

LoreleiG · 27/10/2023 23:17

I think a lot of people here have no real idea how elderly care works. For example an adult child can’t just decide their parent with dementia will go into a home, it’s a longwinded process often involving everyone reaching rock bottom before the care home bit.

This.

TaaLaa · 28/10/2023 11:10

mouldyfalafel · 28/10/2023 08:51

Totally agree with this and you have my support. I think its important to know the reality of what caring for an elderly person can actually look like. There are a lot of people on this thread who are on their high horse about it but have no clue what its like actually doing it. They seem to think its making a cup of tea now and then and having cosy chats. That is not the reality of caring for someone who is incontinent and has dementia for example. The reality is- you are often having to clean up poo/urine multiple times a day which is EXACTLY why people end up having nervous breakdowns and is exactly why its not as "easy" as people are making it out to be on this thread! If you are going to judge others for not taking on the caring role, at least have a decent grasp of what it actually involves, rather than having some misty eyed fantasy of a role you have no experience of.

Show quote history

Also this

ididntthough · 28/10/2023 11:11

Spencer0220 · 26/10/2023 03:40

YANBU.

DH and I aren't going to look after either set of parents, financially or physically.

Not just because we wouldn't have the time/space/physical health to do it, but because we think it's better for social services to be involved.

What do you mean “it’s better for social services to be involved”?
just sounds like a way of saying you don’t want to do it yourself. Why not just say that? There’s no obligation.

Plenty of families are heavily involved alongside the social services. It’s not one or the other.

ididntthough · 28/10/2023 11:12

TaaLaa · 28/10/2023 11:05

This.

Show quote history

Agree. So true and lots of sadness along the way

margotrose · 28/10/2023 11:16

karpouzi · 28/10/2023 10:59

YUABU. Firstly in my opinion life is not just give and take. Did she raise you for the first 18 years of your life? Why do you overlook that? I personally lost my mum when I was 24 however I still pay for my grandmother’s care home. She didn't raise me or anything but I feel that this is the right thing to do.

Lots of people aren't in a position to pay for care or to do it themselves.

hettie · 28/10/2023 11:21

There are enormous cultural and societal pressures placed on women to take on the caring role. In other areas (reproductive rights, workplace equality etc) we have made by some progress in women having autonomy and choice. In the arena of 'caregiver' not so much. The crap that's spouted about women who choose not to have children receive pales into insignificance compared to the approbation that women (and let's be real here it is still largely women) get if they choose not to become carers for elderly parents is unreal. Let's be honest it's a societal failure. In England we have failed to plan and prepare for how we were going to care for an increasing number of elderly people who also live longer often with poor health/multiple conditions. It's been an abject failure of government over 50 years.
So lots of the pressures from individual parents is because of the fear of poor or demeaning care from the state (they have a point) and from the state (social workers/ services etc) because of piss all capacity and no alternative other than asking family to step in. If there was available high quality care with an equitable system for paying for it much of this pressure would be reduced. As it is women are being asked to plug the massive gap. Trouble is we are also required to work full time (housing costs require dual income families), care for children (as ever) and if you have any whiff of extra need in your household full those gaps too (SEN, supporting kids with MH etc). It's simply not possible. Irrespective of my own personal relationship with my parent I can't not work full time until 67….. Fortunately the financial resources are there but even navigation and access to care is a massive job never mind overseeing the quality. For those who have yet to get up close and personal with the shit show that is elderly care provision in this country you are in for a brutal shock. Stones and glass houses and all that .

TaaLaa · 28/10/2023 11:31

hettie · 28/10/2023 11:21

There are enormous cultural and societal pressures placed on women to take on the caring role. In other areas (reproductive rights, workplace equality etc) we have made by some progress in women having autonomy and choice. In the arena of 'caregiver' not so much. The crap that's spouted about women who choose not to have children receive pales into insignificance compared to the approbation that women (and let's be real here it is still largely women) get if they choose not to become carers for elderly parents is unreal. Let's be honest it's a societal failure. In England we have failed to plan and prepare for how we were going to care for an increasing number of elderly people who also live longer often with poor health/multiple conditions. It's been an abject failure of government over 50 years.
So lots of the pressures from individual parents is because of the fear of poor or demeaning care from the state (they have a point) and from the state (social workers/ services etc) because of piss all capacity and no alternative other than asking family to step in. If there was available high quality care with an equitable system for paying for it much of this pressure would be reduced. As it is women are being asked to plug the massive gap. Trouble is we are also required to work full time (housing costs require dual income families), care for children (as ever) and if you have any whiff of extra need in your household full those gaps too (SEN, supporting kids with MH etc). It's simply not possible. Irrespective of my own personal relationship with my parent I can't not work full time until 67….. Fortunately the financial resources are there but even navigation and access to care is a massive job never mind overseeing the quality. For those who have yet to get up close and personal with the shit show that is elderly care provision in this country you are in for a brutal shock. Stones and glass houses and all that .

Very, very well said.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 28/10/2023 12:54

If you can live with your decision, then no-one else's opinion matters. I couldn't do it, personally, but as a mother, I would prefer to struggle on my own than to force myself onto someone who didn't want me.
There is a level of social support for people who have no family to help them. What that amoubts to, by the time you get to that age yourself, remains to be seen. Is it how you want your children to see elderly parents treated?