To not want to look after my mum

[Overthebow]

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

@Overthebow

because she cared for you for 20 years before that??
you think you didn’t need care and support when you were 1, 5, 10, 15?
you haven’t said it wasn’t there. All you said is your mum moved away in your 20ies and didn’t provide support since then, especially with GCs.
where is the reciprocity for 20 years before that if you absolutely must have reciprocity before that?
I agree with these who find this attitude cold. I wouldn’t want to be my mum’s sole carer or have her live with me but I would never consider just tossing her aside and not be involved at all, just because she moved away when you were an adult

No child asks to come into the world

You have a child, you have a responsibility to look after them.

I don't think it should be the same for the dc to be obligated to care for their parent

@greengreengrass25

its just a saying though, a thing that British people tell themselves. It is not a law and not even universal moral law as majority of cultures will not agree with this.

WHY is a child not responsible to help his closest family member in older age? There is no reason for it other than some people saying so.

also the OP is pissed off that her mum didn’t help her in her 20ies and beyond. Why did she expect this help then?

But that's literally what a parent is supposed to do. Raise and support their children

Why should anyone expect any kind of reciprocity for doing the absolute minimum?

@Overthebow - As you made the suggestion to her about possibly moving back to the UK at some stage (the soon the better really because some of the social care things she may want to avail of may not be immediately available to her if she returns when she is older than she is now) I would make it very clear that there are no intentions of her moving in with you or staying with you. She needs to get her ducks in a row now so that if she does want to move in the next 12-18 months, she can, and much easier.

She needs to know that you're not going to be caring for her if/when she does move back to the UK. You may be able to provide assistance to her during a move but you need to set out what you will do for her and more importantly, what you won't be doing.

Just my 2c on the situation

@margotrose

absolute minimum in raising children is actually a low bar. It is feeding, clothing and not abusing them.
loving attentive and supportive parent is actually going above and beyond the minimum that a parent is supposed to do.

next, again, why loving and supporting your elderly parent is not what a child is supposed to do? It is in majority of other countries 🙄

The reciprocal care giving argument doesn't hold for me as a feminist. Parents choose to have children and become a care giver to that child. These days thank God for most UK women it is a choice. So women can choose not to become caregivers by not having children.
Children don't have any choice as to whether they have parents. Defaulting to say well if you are a child you must at some point caregive (because you have a parent) is forcing someone (usually women) into a role and function they didn't choose and may not want.
It goes against the personal agency and choice about gender roles that many many women have fought long and hard to try and progress. How we care for the sick old and vulnerable is an indication of our whole (all of us male and female) societies choices and attitudes. It is reductive and sexist to say it's all the women's fault because of course they were cared for as children so they should be carers as adult children. It allows one whole half of the population and politicians, and the various arms of state to basically not give us shit.

I don't agree - being loving, attentive and supportive is what being a parent is all about. Doing those things doesn't make you special or deserving of special treatment into your old age.

You can love your parents and not have the means or desire to support them in their old age. There are also parents out there who don't want their children to give up their lives to provide years of unpaid support.

My parents are approaching their seventies but I'm only 34. I'll be working full-time for the next 30+ years - I won't have the time (or money) to provide them with any kind of support. They don't live close enough for a start.

@margotrose There are many countries where this might be expected. There are also many countries that are also deeply patriarchal and controlled by misogynistic aresholes🤔

@hettie

in many countries it is expected from children of either gender (in some - many - cultures actually even more from sons than from daughters). and a child may not be expected provide personal care themselves but definitely expected to make sure a parent is looked after, even if by someone else
I agree with PPs that Britain is an outlier, despite not being a sole country approaching gender equality

Well, exactly.

I just can't agree that children (and it's always female children) owe their parents any kind of care into old age, especially personal care.

Care work is bloody difficult when you're being paid for it and being provided with proper working conditions, breaks etc. Doing it unpaid, for years on end, with no training or relief is bloody difficult - I've seen it break families and destroy careers and homes.

Why shouldn't grown adults be responsible for their own care?

@margotrose

but why should they? It is much nicer to be supported by people who genuinely care about you, rather than total strangers. Have you not read about care home scandals? How in home carers treat their charges? Do you not love your parents to leave them at mercy of people who do it for money?

proving all caregiving to an old parent is very hard, next to impossible, but to have zero fucks about your parents’ care is cruel and cold. It is possible to care and support your parent without being the one who changes their soiled nappies.

Usually the dil not the son is the poor soul who is lumbered with caring for his dps

Seen many a thread on her about this situation

Much nicer, maybe, for them.

Practical for the caregivers, for those who even would want to do it? different story.

So you as parent are expected to unconditionally love and support your children all their life (not just to adulthood), but as a grown up child, you DO NOT love your parents because it isn’t what a child is expected or owes? :)
what?

Do you not love your parents to leave them at the mercy of a family member with no training or experience?

I didn't have kids for them to care for me in my elder years, no.

That is selfish reasoning.

@SpudleyLass

caregiver! What a cold word.
it is son. Or daughter.
It is your loving mom! Not some random old person. Hello?

at which point British children turn from loving to cold and transactional I wonder?

I am British and I agree with you.

I'm a caregiver to my 5 year old daughter, who has extensive needs.

Its not cold, there is no moral judgement attached. Its an appropriate word for the situation.

I am, of course, also her mother. She is, of course, also my daughter.

@SpudleyLass

so you would be ok if you children would just write you off, never visit you and won’t care to intervene if you look like you are being neglected or abused by a care worker?
Even though you were loving and supportive mum to them?
really?

''It is your loving mom!''

Not all parental relationships are the same, are they? Not all parents are loving and ironically, often the abusive ones become the ones who feel entitled to their children's care when they can no longer be independent.

Well in my case, its unlikely she would ever be in that situation.

Read my comment again. She has severe needs and I won't be having more kids.

Even if she was ''normal'', I'd probably shoot myself first, knowing the way things are going in the UK, before doing that to her.

@SpudleyLass

we are NOT talking about abusive parents here, dont move the goalposts.
we are talking about normal supportive parents who apparently also can be cast aside