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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my mum

278 replies

Overthebow · 26/10/2023 01:12

My parents moved abroad when I was in my twenties. I don’t have any close by family in the UK and when they left I wasn’t in a good place mentally. They’ve visited a couple of times a year, but we aren’t close now and they don’t have a close relationship with my dc either as they barely know them. We don't speak much. Now it’s just my mum, and although I’ve suggested it she does not want to move back to the UK currently. She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.

Aibu to think that actually, I don’t really want to help when she’s older and I definitely don’t want her living with us? I could have really used her help and support over the years, especially now when I have young children, but she’s never been interested in helping me.

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 26/10/2023 14:24

We are NC with both his parents and my father.

With my mother, we have daily contact, but I don't think she'd welcome any input from us, so we wouldn't even try. Helping her would be far too stressful.

Davros · 26/10/2023 14:24

Social services are involved in DH's situation (Parkinson's). They provide information on home adaptations, Careline, psychological support, chasing up applications E.g. for a designated parking space. They don't only provide state-funded care, we pay for care ourselves but still get support from Social Services.

Azaleah · 26/10/2023 14:32

It all depends on how you will feel about it when she eventually dies. If you feel you have no obligation to look after her, then you won't feel guilty and will sleep well. If you have doubts about it, you could talk to her now. Tell her to save her money for a retirement flat or something like that. You could help her organise her future so you won't be responsible to look after her when the time comes. When family members are not friends we have to deal with them as if they were a client, a customer or a business partner, no emotional involvement.

Spencer0220 · 26/10/2023 14:34

Azaleah · 26/10/2023 14:32

It all depends on how you will feel about it when she eventually dies. If you feel you have no obligation to look after her, then you won't feel guilty and will sleep well. If you have doubts about it, you could talk to her now. Tell her to save her money for a retirement flat or something like that. You could help her organise her future so you won't be responsible to look after her when the time comes. When family members are not friends we have to deal with them as if they were a client, a customer or a business partner, no emotional involvement.

Exactly. We'd always be happy to advise and support with organising things.

Montegufoni2017 · 26/10/2023 18:36

YANBU
Not at all. You have been incredibly let down by her and that must be so hurtful for you. You don’t owe her anything other than a reality check that the loving daughter who will wipe her Mums arse as she gets frail does not exist for her because she never made enough effort to nurture the relationship in the first place.

PupInAPram · 26/10/2023 18:40

GlitterGlobe30 · 26/10/2023 04:05

I will always be there for my Mother regardless of mistakes she may have made in the past. That goes for any family member. I think if you can't rely on your family then who can you rely on? But that's just me.

But OP couldn't rely on her mother. You reap what you sow.

potatoheads · 26/10/2023 18:48

Spencer0220 · 26/10/2023 03:40

YANBU.

DH and I aren't going to look after either set of parents, financially or physically.

Not just because we wouldn't have the time/space/physical health to do it, but because we think it's better for social services to be involved.

Do you know how basic social service care is and how limited? Your poor parents being neglected by dc who claim to be doing it because it's 'better'

WickedSerious · 26/10/2023 18:50

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 26/10/2023 06:05

She does however think she might move back when she’s older so she can get help from family (me), and won’t be elderly alone. She’s even hinted at living with us.
What's the odds on her asking to come for a 'visit' falling unwell and being unable to return abroad?

My cousin's MIL did this,a three week visit turned into two years.

Bluewater1 · 26/10/2023 18:57

My parents also moved abroad when I was an adult and coincidentally my mental health was very poor at that time. I was in my 30s. I didn't see much of them in the ensuing years due to distance and me starting a family. Not particularly easy to travel abroad on a regular basis with 2 babes. I had no family nearby and could have definitely done with their help at times...But when one of them became increasingly ill due to dementia so they came home I didn't hesitate to have them live with me whilst they looked for a house, 5 months, or to help out whenever I could. My children adored having them nearby too. They both died last year and I am glad I helped. You are not being unreasonable but it isn't what I chose

Chattygirl123 · 26/10/2023 19:31

When my two grandmothers needed 24 hour care my parents were unable to give such care. My father isn't well himself. They both spent their final years being well looked after in a home. My parents and my sister and I visited regularly. My aunt and mil both had dementia. My aunt stayed at home with carers, her husband and children caring for her. My mil also had dementia and was cared for by my sil although we and another daughter lived close by and helped. It was very emotionally difficult for those in both situations. I would never judge anyone for whatever decision they make re caring for elderly relatives but I just wanted to say caring is far from easy and should be carefully thought about.

Spencer0220 · 26/10/2023 19:43

@potatoheads I know how limited social care is. I've had SS involvement in my life since childhood for my own disability.

Hence why I said DH and I don't have the health to help and think SS involvement is best. SS involvement can take so many forms including self pay and social work oversight.

Wellyrambles · 26/10/2023 19:44

I'm stuck with sorting care out for a parent at the moment, I'm hoping private at home carers will be enough.

It's been a drag because it's simply 'duty' ...I'm afraid they were no great shakes as a parent and I can't magic up some huge unconditional love.

I'm not a carer and I have no intention of being one for my parent. I have my home , DH and kids to focus on as well as working full time.

TammyJones · 26/10/2023 19:58

Pineappleunder · 26/10/2023 09:29

Depending on where your mum has moved to you might be legally obligated to pay towards her care if she can't afford it and you don't do it yourself.
This is what would happen if she is resident in France and it can and us enforced through the UK court system

However YANBU to choose who lives with you.

Eh?
And how would that work?

Wellhellooooodear · 26/10/2023 20:02

GlitterGlobe30 · 26/10/2023 04:05

I will always be there for my Mother regardless of mistakes she may have made in the past. That goes for any family member. I think if you can't rely on your family then who can you rely on? But that's just me.

That's fine if you have good parents but It sounds like OPs mother has not been there for her. You reap what you sow

BrownTableMat · 26/10/2023 20:11

You could literally offer me millions of pounds and there’s absolutely no way I’d be physically or mentally capable of looking after my neglectful, abusive mother.

Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 20:48

So…..parents don’t get to live their own lives once their children are grown up? They must sit around waiting to help with grandchildren and if they don’t, should expect to receive zero support in their old age?

But that should work both ways. If the parents concentrate on living the lives they choose when they get to that point, why shouldn't their adult children - when they get to that age - also be able to live their own lives rather than having an absent mother declaring that she's going to come over to be cared for, basically commandeering exactly the same years of her daughter's life that she herself spent doing exactly what she wanted?

Azaleah · 26/10/2023 21:22

Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 20:48

So…..parents don’t get to live their own lives once their children are grown up? They must sit around waiting to help with grandchildren and if they don’t, should expect to receive zero support in their old age?

But that should work both ways. If the parents concentrate on living the lives they choose when they get to that point, why shouldn't their adult children - when they get to that age - also be able to live their own lives rather than having an absent mother declaring that she's going to come over to be cared for, basically commandeering exactly the same years of her daughter's life that she herself spent doing exactly what she wanted?

Exactly and perhaps even more importantly, how is her daughter supposed to look after her when they don't actually know each other because they haven't had a proper relationship? You can't expect to get something in return when you haven't given it yet.

Original poster
Overthebow · 26/10/2023 21:33

Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 20:48

So…..parents don’t get to live their own lives once their children are grown up? They must sit around waiting to help with grandchildren and if they don’t, should expect to receive zero support in their old age?

But that should work both ways. If the parents concentrate on living the lives they choose when they get to that point, why shouldn't their adult children - when they get to that age - also be able to live their own lives rather than having an absent mother declaring that she's going to come over to be cared for, basically commandeering exactly the same years of her daughter's life that she herself spent doing exactly what she wanted?

Well yes exactly. And at that time I will be helping my children through their teenage and then young adult years. In my opinion she can’t have it both ways, choosing to live her life far from family and not helping out, then coking back when she herself needs help.

OP posts:
Bature · 26/10/2023 21:39

Davros · 26/10/2023 12:26

@Bature
"Some parents are arseholes. Most are decent people who do their best. Like in every culture. And, for most of the world (the U.K. is the outlier, not vice versa), this means that when the time comes to take care of them, we don’t go ‘your best wasn’t perfect/you didn’t do childcare for me/you dared to have a life when I was a fully grown adult/insert standard entitled MN nonsense’ and therefore I owe you nothing. We take care of them to the best of our ability. "

"The U.K. is one of the least hospitable cultures towards its elderly in the world. I don’t know how or why this has come about, but I find it desperately sad"

I believe that the reason the UK is an "outlier" is because we are used to women having jobs, opinions and freedom. I think all this family care revolves around women and it's not fair or right

I believe that the reason the UK is an "outlier" is because we are used to women having jobs, opinions and freedom.

As opposed to the rest of Europe? As they aren’t treating their parents like you are, either. So, nope.

Sofaz34 · 26/10/2023 21:42

To be blunt, help as long as there is an incentive for you and your family. E.g. I there is an inheritance. If they have spent it all then you wouldn't even get a financial return let alone emotional.

Bature · 26/10/2023 21:46

sollenwir · 26/10/2023 11:58

Your comment is very harsh - different societies and cultures view expectations of caring for elderly parents differently, and there is no right or wrong. It is definitely evident however that women often draw the short straw when being expected to look after parents, or in some case even parents in law!

Show quote history

Have you seen the average care home? If a large proportion of your elderly are ending up in places like that, then your society is broken. It’s not a grey area.

Again, if the parents were deficient in some way, that’s one thing. This is something else.

Yes, women bear the brunt of all domestic labour, including caring responsibilities. If this were a discussion about the gendered nature of said labour in a patriarchal society, you and I would be singing from the same hymn sheet. It’s completely effed up. However, this conversation is about what, if anything, people owe their parents.

Gerrataere · 26/10/2023 22:05

Yes, women bear the brunt of all domestic labour, including caring responsibilities. If this were a discussion about the gendered nature of said labour in a patriarchal society, you and I would be singing from the same hymn sheet. It’s completely effed up.

There is no conversation about parental care without it leading to who will end up doing the care. The huge majority of the time it is a female family member, no ifs or buts. If women say ‘no, not doing it anymore, don’t have the time or ability to’, that’s when the whole familial care system crumbles. Instead of saying ‘how awful we’re turning out back on the elderly’, perhaps we should recognise why. Either women have to be emotionally blackmailed into it or it won’t be done, men certainly don’t seem to be stepping up to the caring plate.

However, this conversation is about what, if anything, people owe their parents.

What do they ‘owe’ parents? Love and respect, certainly if the parents are deserving of it. Giving up careers, money, perhaps having to move closer to said parents, giving up time with your spouse/ growing children, diminishing your mental and physical health for years to be a carer - is that a price that should be paid? Can it be afforded in this day and age?

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2023 22:11

@Bature

However, this conversation is about what, if anything, people owe their parents.”

Well that’s very easy, then. Nothing.

Any parent who feels “owed” needs to take a long, hard look at themselves. Being a parent is very much a choice. Being a child isn’t.

Bature · 26/10/2023 22:52

Gerrataere · 26/10/2023 22:05

Yes, women bear the brunt of all domestic labour, including caring responsibilities. If this were a discussion about the gendered nature of said labour in a patriarchal society, you and I would be singing from the same hymn sheet. It’s completely effed up.

There is no conversation about parental care without it leading to who will end up doing the care. The huge majority of the time it is a female family member, no ifs or buts. If women say ‘no, not doing it anymore, don’t have the time or ability to’, that’s when the whole familial care system crumbles. Instead of saying ‘how awful we’re turning out back on the elderly’, perhaps we should recognise why. Either women have to be emotionally blackmailed into it or it won’t be done, men certainly don’t seem to be stepping up to the caring plate.

However, this conversation is about what, if anything, people owe their parents.

What do they ‘owe’ parents? Love and respect, certainly if the parents are deserving of it. Giving up careers, money, perhaps having to move closer to said parents, giving up time with your spouse/ growing children, diminishing your mental and physical health for years to be a carer - is that a price that should be paid? Can it be afforded in this day and age?

I’ve already addressed all this. Some of it twice. If your dedication to treating your elderly like garbage is so hardwired into your psyche, it’s unlikely anything I say will make any difference. Carry on.

Bature · 26/10/2023 22:58

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/10/2023 22:11

@Bature

However, this conversation is about what, if anything, people owe their parents.”

Well that’s very easy, then. Nothing.

Any parent who feels “owed” needs to take a long, hard look at themselves. Being a parent is very much a choice. Being a child isn’t.

And I think that’s utter bollocks. As I’ve made clear. It’s an awful selfish mindset that I haven’t encountered anywhere other than the U.K.

Any adult with decent parents who thinks they don’t owe them anything needs to take a long hard look at themselves.