parents living the high life

[nearlyemptynes]

Now I know we make our choices in life and we live with them. I have 3 children and have supported the eldest through uni and would do the same for the other two if that's what they want. I see this as our responsibility as parents. I have friends who have not supported their kids, haven't encouraged open days etc then when they kids don't go they have wonderful foreign holidays etc after saying they couldn't afford to send their kids to uni. AIBU to think they have their priorities wrong?

One section of society (reasonably off but not that academic) may have better opportunities although that is debatable given they might have had a good career without a degree in the 80s. The more academic experience fewer opportunities though as they would have got into universities in the 80s without tuition fees or maintenance loans, unlike today.

I have a friend like this. Her parents sold their house last year for £500,000 yet she and her partner are on the breadline, living in a tiny house. They had a baby and she could only have six months Mat leave as she couldn’t afford to have longer off. They made their own garden furniture out of pallets. My mum died last year and she really impressed on me not to end up in their situation. I’m not saying give your children a fortune but a £1000 or so would help.

Depends what you mean by "supported".

Not sending any money at all due to spending it all on holidays etc, isnt ok. But insisting that they use loans for fees and any maintenance loans they are eligible for is fine, it is strongly discouraged to pay uni fees upfront by financial experts.

Lots of low income families cant financially help their kids in uni, I cant. I am on a v low income for various reasons, not least being a carer for my parents. She they manage on their loans and their jobs. They chose their uni's with the cost of living very much in mind. So no SE uni's, definitely nothing in London, Edinburgh etc, that sort of thing. One has graduated, another due to this year and one has just started.

If their kids are doing nothing, thats as much on the kids as the parents. Sounds like the parents know that they have a coaster on their hands and see no point sending good money after bad.

@TheCompactPussycat,
Well it is a significant amount. My DD gets minimum loan as apparently 2 parents each earning less than 35k are considered high earners by the government for this purpose. We are not; obviously! The shortfall between her loan and her accommodation is 3.5k. So that’s 3.5k just to pay for where she lives and it’s neither London nor an expensive city or even an expensive accommodation option. Then there’s food and, well, just day to day living. She’s desperately trying to get a job but no luck yet and she’s competing against hundreds of others for every vacancy.

So, maybe not quite tens of thousands each year but certainly a significant amount of around 5k. Her brother is due to go in 2yrs. We are genuinely not sure what to do as we simply can’t afford to help both. Our daughter is talking about transferring back home but our local university is ranked nowhere near the one she’s at and she worked so bloody hard to get there. My husband and I are talking about second jobs but who wants their teacher or nurse to turn up to work having barely got off shift from their extra job? 😔

But it's not your business is it OP?

You do you and let others get on with doing themselves.

Everyone I know including myself got student loans to go through uni, it wasn’t considered the parents responsibility.

I totally agree with you and can’t believe some of the comments on here. Even if they don’t do well you can always be assured that you did your best for them. My partner has a good job with good money but if his parents had shown an interest in him he’d have been an architect.

The kids can pay for themselves to go to uni through finance. I did. I never got any help from my parents. If I'm honest I'd be embarrassed asking them for help as I had a job as well.

Oh, I agree. It's not an entirely insignificant amount but posters suggesting it is tens of thousands are unhelpful.

It sounds as though your family income is perhaps around the same as ours. DS also only qualifies for the minimum living costs loan and next year we will have 2 at uni. DS hasn't tried to find a job at uni. Instead he comes home and works full-time in the holidays.

Oh and yet there I was doing it. Twice. And here I am doing it again right now.

Many thousands of people work full time and study full time. I even manage to go to the gym, go out with friends, volunteer, fit in some caring responsibilities and spend time with my partner.

Unless my children decide on careers that require uni I absolutely will not be encouraging them to go. What a huge amount of money and time so many people I know have spent on wasted courses because they felt like going to uni was the right thing to do.

Firstly what if their child doesn’t want to go to uni?

secondly do you understand how many people actually have degrees these days and don’t use them? They come out of uni with £££’s debt and don’t go into their degree line of work either through lack of opportunities or over saturation of the candidate market. A bog standard degree really isn’t much to write home about anymore these days unless it’s something which specifically requires a degree such as medicine/law.

@MumApril1990, @Danielle9891
Unfortunately, the government now disagrees and thinks it very much is the responsibility of the parents.
Accommodation costs vary widely between 6k and 10k but if your household income is 25k or above then your YP is on the sliding scale of what they can get. If, like us, you both earn just over 33k then your YP gets the minimum amount which is around £4600. As you can see that doesn’t even cover rent let alone any sort of living expenses such as food and travel. And with thousands of kids in the same boat all competing for any jobs that come up, it’s really up to parents to either help pay the shortfall on their rent and allow them to eat or they don’t go.

I needed a loan when I went but that was enough to cover rent and food and a little socialising. I then worked during the holidays. It’s a whole different ball game financially these days.

Article in the guardian
Rent rises mean student loans aren’t enough now.

When your second goes to uni. Apply for the maximum loan. You are asked if you are supporting any other kids/ students.
As you are, they may take that into account.

If you are married you will be judged on your spouse's income. Not sure if you are judged as independent if you have a child although you do get a higher loan anyway.

I agree op. My dh never got supported by his mother in terms of his education, instead she prioritised her foreign holidays and I actually resent her for it as I then had to support my husband to do his degree and so ended up supporting my husband and then our children.

I make sure I'm not passing that burden onto others.

I was coming to say my mum not having an annual week in Europe would have made little difference to my student debt, and it would never have crossed my mind that she should sacrifice it, but for your sister even I'm finding it hard not to wear my judgey pants!

You may have been entitled to the student loan but as you can see these loans are no longer even covering the cost accommodation.

By the time I went to university there was no loan available as it was means tested and I didn't qualify at that time. So my parents had to help or I wouldn't have been able to go, at that point we where strongly encouraged by uni not to work during term-time so we could concentrate on our studies. My DH was luckily to get a lucative summer job so he had more spending money then lot of us, he used that to pay for his bills. His parents still paid his hall fees though.

I wouldn't have been able to work in the area I did without my degree though and the same for DH as degrees where a minimum requirement of most of the jobs I did before I had DD. I will only be encouraging my children to go if they will be doing something useful.

get on the judgment train!!! yeyy

Meh .. my parents supported me in any way they could, they encouraged me to look at uni. I didn’t wanna go. They also took foreign holidays 🤷🏻‍♀️ Did they fail me? Nope! You can’t judge everyone by your opinions, you only get a snapshot of other peoples lives

Too many variables. Depends on individual circumstances and not to be judged. It's personal choices.

We have 1 child at uni, we pay her accomodation as her loan didn't cover it. In order to pay I have to work extra hours. When our younger child advised he didn't want to go to uni. I was relieved.

I didn't go to uni until 40s, and prior to university I was earning double what I'm earning now. My choice career unfortunately will mean I'm never be a high earner again but I'm very happy.

I wonder if you’ll get that mum of the year award you’ve got your eye on?

No parents don’t have a responsibility to pay for uni, that’s what student loans are for, yes if I had tons of spare cash I would pay for my DC uni and house etc but it I’d just got enough to go on holiday then that’s what we do. It’s not the same as the responsibility to feed and clothe a child

I think people are focusing on the uni and holiday part rather than the whole post. The way I see it your children are always your children. I am married with a child and I STILL know that if I am ever in dire straights I can call my parents and they'll help (whether that's with a food shop, a loan or a roof over my head). I didn't stop being their child when I turned 18.

The mentality of "you're 18 now, you're an adult, so get out of my house" really grinds me. My husband was told that and then spent the next 4 years living in poverty in a house that he was renting with his crappy wage check which was falling apart. As an adult it's made him incredibly insecure about money and food and until we bought our home he kept thinking we'd be kicked out at any moment despite always paying bills on time. If he had been able to continue living at home that would not have been a worry for him.

Deciding to put yourself ahead of your children once they'd reached an age just because we deem them to be an adult is ridiculous.