Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

[Squirre]

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

What is a few years younger?

How long have you been divorced?

I say that if your BIL doesn't see an issue and you want to see him again then why not. Just take it slowly and keep it quiet for now.
If you don't want to see him again in that way as it's too weird then just message and say you had a really good night but you feel uncomfortable about the situation and would prefer to remain friends.

It's a little unusual but certainly not unique nor a taboo , so as long as you are both happy to continue , why not ?

What?? How are people not seeing the issue? You could rip the entire family apart.

This is so unnecessary, their are literally millions of single men out there that the father of your child is not related to.

What about their Mum? What about your ex? What about your child? What about future family dynamics? Birthdays, Christmas, weddings, funerals????

What are you thinking? This is an horrendous idea. What if your ex slept with your sister? The ex who you built a whole life with went through turmoil of a diagnosis of your child with? Walked down the aisle with?

This is wrong. And unnecessary. You can stop it now before mistakes happen that can never be taken back and families are not torn apart to the point of no return.

How many years younger are we talking? E.g you're 34 and he's 24, or 34 and 32?

Honestly imo this is not going to end well. He's your ex husbands brother. The uncle to your child. It only has potential to tear the family apart from what I can see and if your exPIL are great supports to you now and you value that, you'll never do it again. Unless you think PIL will be happy you're getting with the second son and your exH will be happy you're getting with his brother?

I'd treat it as a one off blowing off of steam and leave it at that, but keep in mind family tends to pick family when situations like this happen. There's so many other men you could be with! Not your ex husbands brother.

To be honest with you op it sounds as though you have had a terribly stressful few years and you you feel guilty for enjoying yourself.
Both single, consenting adults. Just tell him to take it slow as it's a big adjustment for you and keep it quiet until you both figure out the feelings.

I’d be worried that on some level this is just him competing with his brother.

edited to say - that’s nothing against you OP, and doesn’t mean he’s using you or not genuinely attracted to you, just that it could be a really mess dynamic.

My mum got with my uncle. It pissed my auntie and cousins off no end, as well as my grandma. My mum sees absolutely nothing wrong with it but my siblings and I think it’s weird. Just saying 🤷‍♀️

if BIL is in the navy he's not likely to be around much. This sounds like a FWB situation and so long as you are both on the same page ... enjoy it while it lasts.

Definitely wouldn't share the information with other family members unless you are prepared for long term fall out.

Sounds like a sibling rivalry shag!
He wanted what his brother had.

You say that you get most of your support in difficult circumstances from your in laws. Maybe tread carefully because there is a tonne of potential fall out.

You'd have to be head over heels for this to be worth it.

Glad you enjoyed yourself though.

you are single. end of. be happy

This situation is akin to a bomb waiting to explode.

I wouldn’t continue this if I were you. Just too complicated with too much potential for a big family fall-out which will damage your coparent relationship and support from ex in laws.

He isnt thinking very far ahead.

He is in the navy. If you got together he wouldnt be around enough to make it worth the fall out. You just cannot ever move DCs uncle in, let alone start another family. Draw a line under it and move on.

How much younger? Was he underage when you first knew him?
The potential for an absolute shit storm is enormous. If your ex Ils help a lot with support and child care, tread carefully.

Absolutely not!! She has children with his actual brother! What a head fuck for everyone who knows about this, or who finds out. Entire families can be destroyed by something like this, it’s a line you just don’t cross. And op, I’m finding it hard to believe this wasn’t planned in the slightest. You did not have an evening out with this man, and then took him home with no intention of something happening

There's being single, then there's shagging around the extended (ex) family.
Not a good look, and pretty horrendous IMO!

Creepy and icky OP. If you get pregnant your kids will be siblings and cousins :)

I don't see the issue if it remains a FWB situation with both people keeping schtum about it.

Having said that, I do know someone who is married to her ex-husband's brother, and the family at large seem to have settled to the idea. I appreciate it's potentially explosive, though.

I would question the type of person who would sleep with any of their siblings exes.

You can't be sure of the motivation, sibling rivalry being the main one. It's also kind of predatory- he knows you've been single a while, are rising a while with high additional needs etc. I find it somewhat disturbing, did he keep you out of decency or with an agenda? Doesn't say much about his character tbh.

Enjoy it for what it was and never discuss or repeat it.

I think what makes the situation complicated is the reason your marriage ended. It wasn’t a ‘simple’ because he cheated, was abusive, a terrible neglectful husband and father, he didn’t do anything wrong (unless I’m massively assuming & completely wrong here). It was the stress of having a sick child that caused the separation. Too messy especially when you’re still so close to the family!

Hugs OP. You've already said that you know this can't turn into anything so I'm not sure why people are having a go at you. You are two consenting adults. Take a day or two to get your head straight then message him saying you enjoyed yourself but it can't happen again.

I'd leave it as a one off , as others have said this could be very difficult in the long run.