Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

[Squirre]

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

He's your ex brother in law. It'll cause problems. Keep your knickers on and have some self control!

Well I suppose if he's a rather immature 18 year old he might. An actual adult wouldn't would they.

Yeah but in both cases, the original husband was dead. That does make a difference, even though it’s not something I’d personally do or be happy with. Same with husbands who marry the wife’s friend after the wife dies but it might cause upset if they did that when the wife is still alive and they’ve divorced.

OP, I’d take some time out to think about it and then decide whether it would be worth the aggro it would cause.

OK this could be awkward at family parties...

But I don't know what you're ashamed of.

I'm certain you're not the first to swap siblings (as it were). Stranger things happen all the time. People get over it.

Life's short, you haven't had the easiest time so the advice from a 70 year old is enjoy yourself, your ex has moved on, the man in question is an adult. Don't feel guilty.

As a child who grew up in the aftermath of this situation, I'd say leave it well alone.

Your ex will be hurt, and it will cause wider family repercussions, you'll likely lose the wider family if this were to become a thing. Mum and Dad will feel like they can't be in the middle so will detach from you and your son unless he's with Dad.
It'll affect the brothers relationship with his brother and his parents.

Your son will be confused, and if you had children with BIL- they'd be your sons cousin/ siblings, which I've got to say is really confusing and embarrassing.

I'm not saying that it will be exactly the same, because my stepdad wasn't a very nice man, but a massive part of his mistreatment of me as I was growing up was that I reminded him of his brother, who he didn't, and never would have a relationship with again given that he had married his brothers ex wife.

What I will say is that regardless of how nice everyone is in this situation, there will be hurt, there will be damaged relationships, and there will be confusion to any children involved. Even in the most simplistic of ways, someone says, oh your dad.. your son replies, that's not my dad, stranger says- Wow, you look alike! It tends to lead to a bit of an uncomfortable feeling, especially if it's something your child is embarrassed of. I was bullied quite severely because of my family situation when people found out.

Please think really long and hard about this.

He's 29 I'm 33. Me and my ex were together when we were young so I've known him from when he was at school. I know that's awful 😖 the age gap isn't huge but meant we didn't socialise when younger and then he's been away from 18 so we're close but not like siblings. Does that make sense? My ex dh's other brother is a year younger and around all the time and he feels more like a brother and I feel my insides shrivelling if I picture the samething happening there.

that’s not the awful part.
reconnecting with somebody you knew when you were both teenagers / young adults and sleeping with that person is (generally) perfectly fine.
you’re both adults now. And 29-33 isn’t even a noticeable age gap.

the problem is that he is your ex husband’s brother. He is the uncle of your child!

this has the potential to wreck your family.
leave it as a one time thing, never ever to be repeated or spoken about again!

I think your ex-BIL should have spoken to his brother (your ex) before sleeping with you. He might have given his blessing; he might have been horrified. But I think as the brother, he was responsible for checking whether this would blow up his family.

If you’d like to explore anything happening again, I think he has to have a conversation (not admitting you’ve already slept together).

You haven’t done anything wrong, but it’s doubtful people will see it that way.

agree that this situ is best kept to a one off. Don’t beat yourself up over it and take the win that your libido has been awakened and go enjoy yourself, elsewhere. I’d prob get this thread deleted, not massively outing but your sil might recognise you. Take care.

You are not doing anything immoral. But....how will his wider family see it? And your ex. It would be a shame if you ended up alienating them.

I once read a magazine article about a woman who had a child with her ex's father. So her sons were uncle/nephew as well as half-brothers. Imagine if your little brother was also your uncle!

I’m so surprised at those saying this is anything other than absolutely grim!

It's fine, but you would have to REALLY like him to continue it as it would quite rightly upset the family.

With a one off even if it came out you can just say you don't know what came over you and even if they were pissed off that's easier to get over.

@twostraws "given his blessing"? Wtaf have I just read?
@Squirre if you and your child rely on your outlaws for support in any capacity I would thank popeye for his time and make it clear it was a one off.
Sounds like you've woken up 😊 plenty of places to connect with a new FWB

My granny married two brothers. No families were destroyed. Second marriage (to younger brother) was happy and long lasting.

If you believe that women are the property of men. And this extends to their ex husbands, this would be the way to go.

Obviously what you both did was disgusting and it was obviously planned from his end, which is why he has been helping you with your child so much.

He seems to think the feeling is mutual.

You need to nip it in the bud and text him saying you had a wonderful time etc but it has to be just a one off else things could get messy and you think it’s for the best that you reduce contact from now on.

half your age plus 7 is the rule

so if you're 30 and he's 22 or over then that's not the problem.

How long have you been divorced? If the divorce isn't finalised I'd def say pack it in for now.

If the divorce is finalised and the relationship has been over for 1/2 the length of the relationship then your ex has had a reasonable time to deal with his emotions.

The number of posters recently who are jaw droppingly short sighted and selfish when it comes to their DCs vs a meaningless shag and a bit of pathetic drama is becoming a sad theme.

I don't think your behaviour is disgusting but I think you have made a mistake . If you got into a continuing relationship with him it could cause tension in the family.
I would tell him you had a good time and like him but, given the circumstances it will have to end here.

Given his blessing 😆 to an impromptu shag. How would that have worked then?!

The amount of reactionary comments on here are ridiculous. This situation isn't inherently right or wrong, it all comes down to the family dynamic, who you both are as people and what you're comfortable with. It's all subjective.

No one on this thread can judge his intentions or your actions. You just need to consider what this all means for you you both, whether it was a one time thing or whether there are real feelings between you both and make the choice that works for you.

If it was me, I would have a good, objective think about your ex, your family-in-law, the sort of people they are and ask yourself what sort of reaction they would have? If they're emotionally intelligent and fair minded and there's nothing sinister at play, they might be ok with it. If you think they wouldn't be, that doesn't make them bad people. Families and emotions are complex and only you can judge the risk.

The fact you're so worried makes me think the reaction would be bad in your mind which means you could be playing with fire and should probably be careful. But give it more thought and make sure you're views are coming from a rational place.

Whatever happens here, you haven't done anything wrong or immoral so don't be hard on yourself.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him. Say that you think he's a wonderful person and you appreciate how he's always been good to your child, but because of the other circumstances and how it could complicate his relationship with his entire family, it's best to pretend it never happened and try to move on.

I'd try to avoid spending too much time alone with him for a while, just to make it easier to stick to your resolution.

I would say, you need to talk about it. I do know one family where someone dated one person for a long time and then their older sibling and now has been with their sibling long time. It did have negative impact on the relationship between the siblings. A four year age gap at your age is fine, you're both around 30. I would just go slowly and carefully with the relationship, but I can't see why you shouldn't take it further. Just be aware that he may alienate some of his family members.