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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

324 replies

Squirre · 25/10/2023 12:04

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 25/10/2023 13:12

If you are happy for it to remain casual (and secret) then go for it but if you are thinking an actual relationship then this could go very wrong. Any future children would be both cousins and half sibling with your current child. It would likely sour your relationship with your ex and his wider family. There is the real possibility you would be cut off by the whole family.

I'm not saying not to, just do so with all possible consequences in mind.

WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning · 25/10/2023 13:14

Ah, how complicated.

It sounds like he thinks you could be his FWB when he's around. Which might be nice but is likely to blow up, and you don't want to lose the family support you have.

Either that or your kids uncle becomes their step dad too. Which seems...well, just no.

ToniTTtopaz · 25/10/2023 13:19

I know someone who dated the one brother then married the other. Everyone's fine about it.

Does make it more difficult with kids involved... but you haven't done anything wrong so to speak.

laveritable · 25/10/2023 13:21

How would you feel , if your ex slept with your sister?

SkaneTos · 25/10/2023 13:22

Imagine yourself sitting down together with ex-BIL, and telling your ex-DH and their parents about this. Would that be a comfortable situation?

Do you have siblings, OP? Would you be comfortable with your ex-DH having a relationship with one of them?

DowntonCrabby · 25/10/2023 13:25

Oh god OP, there are some people that are just off limits after a divorce. An exH brother and the Uncle of your DC I’d say is a fairly obvious one.
Don’t beat yourself up but I’d be nipping anything else firmly in the bud and hope it never comes out.

Finlesswonder · 25/10/2023 13:25

It feels a bit medieval

readbooksdrinktea · 25/10/2023 13:25

4naansjeremy · 25/10/2023 12:50

You say that you get most of your support in difficult circumstances from your in laws. Maybe tread carefully because there is a tonne of potential fall out.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't think I could count on that any longer.

saffronsoup · 25/10/2023 13:25

I mean this will clearly cause issue with your ex and likely in laws. Just like if your ex was sleeping with your sister. Definitely breaks an ethical / respect code most people have.

Your ex is still their son - not sure his parents will stay supportive of you intentionally disrespecting him like this. They should also be pretty disappointed in their own other son as well. Both of you treated your ex / his brother like dog dirt under your shoe.

Duckingella · 25/10/2023 13:28

My sons partner is his exes twin sister.........,

TammyJones · 25/10/2023 13:29

itsmyp4rty · 25/10/2023 12:08

I say that if your BIL doesn't see an issue and you want to see him again then why not. Just take it slowly and keep it quiet for now.
If you don't want to see him again in that way as it's too weird then just message and say you had a really good night but you feel uncomfortable about the situation and would prefer to remain friends.

This
Happens a lot actually
We had a friend who married his ex
Sil
They are very happy
You're both single.
A couple of years younger no issues either

kittybiscuits · 25/10/2023 13:29

Wow there is a lot of pearl-clutching on this thread. It's great that you had a wonderful time. You deserve it. You can do whatever you want to do. There will be fallout if you become official, but just take things slowly. People will get over it in time. You're not the first and you won't be the last.

erikbloodaxe · 25/10/2023 13:30
Shock
Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 25/10/2023 13:31

Our old next door neighbour lived with her BIL (her XH was no longer around). Her DC struggled with it due to teasing at school.

JustAMinutePleass · 25/10/2023 13:32

Just enjoy it.

Fyngal123 · 25/10/2023 13:34

Set clear boundaries. And try not to be alone together. Unless you're happy to potentially have kids that are siblings qs well as cousins - it only takes one mistake.

WowOK · 25/10/2023 13:34

There are 3.97 billion men in the world. You don't need to he shagging your BIL. It will impact your relationship with ex and in-laws. You can't take it back but I don't think you should repeat it.

BlueEyedPeanut · 25/10/2023 13:35

You're going to have to talk to ex-BIL about this. You say you rely on your ex-in-laws for a lot of support, so the potential fallout of this will hurt you more than him. You have much more to lose. Does he have no conscience? He's either stupid or selfish if he doesn't care what this might mean for you and your child.

pinkyredrose · 25/10/2023 13:35

What's the problem?

Anonymouslyposting · 25/10/2023 13:39

If you were in love with him I’d say go for it. Anything less isn’t worth the potential fallout. I’d tell him it was a one off and hope no one ever finds out.

starfishmummy · 25/10/2023 13:39

For wjat it was, a one night spur of the moment thing , I don't see the problem. Of you want to continue then the twonof you need to ha e a conversation, but as @WeighDownOnMeStayTillMorning has said, you probably need to be careful that he doesn't just "use" you as someone to sleep with whenever he is home on leave

MissConductUS · 25/10/2023 13:40

I think you're being much too hard on yourself. You're divorced, not dead. He sounds lovely. Turning this into a relationship is certainly fraught, but you've done nothing wrong.

SympatheticCrooner · 25/10/2023 13:40

kittybiscuits · 25/10/2023 13:29

Wow there is a lot of pearl-clutching on this thread. It's great that you had a wonderful time. You deserve it. You can do whatever you want to do. There will be fallout if you become official, but just take things slowly. People will get over it in time. You're not the first and you won't be the last.

What does 'you deserve it' mean? Why does anyone 'deserve' a shag with their ex husbands brother? Would you tell a man posting that he 'deserved' to sleep with his ex wife's sister??

The double standards on Mumsnet are mind boggling.

Scenario 1: My husband keeps complimenting my sister/looks at other woman/keeps the toilet seat up: Mumsnet answer LTB!

Scenario 2: I shagged my ex BIL
Mumsnet answer: Good one OP, you deserved that girl!🙌🏾

Conkersinautumn · 25/10/2023 13:40

I'd stick a pin in that, it's too potentially complicated. Let him know he's appreciated but you've got to put needs of dc first and having a fantastic uncle for dc is more important.

Might be time to consider dating though. Maybe give it a few months first.

Resilience · 25/10/2023 13:42

While I don't think you've done anything wrong (you're both consenting adults and single) you know that continuing this is an absolute recipe for disaster.

No sex is so amazing it's worth falling out with potentially your entire family (even on your own side), with the damage it would do to your support network and your DC's life. When these things blow up, it's nearly always the woman who suffers the harshest judgment, especially as ex-BiL has the ability to bugger off with his job if it all gets too difficult.

Do NOT message him in case it can be used against you later, but DO meet up with him and have an adult conversation explaining that you had a great time but it can't happen again. No blame, no responsibility, no weirdness going forward.