TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.
Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.
BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.
I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.
I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.
So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place