Slept with ex BIL and having an identity crisis

[Squirre]

TL:DR - slept with my ex husband's brother. Hate myself but also enjoyed it.

Please be brutal with me. To give this some context me and my ex married in our early 20s (now early 30s) and have one dc who has cerebral palsy. All of the stress effected our relationship and we ended up seperating. Ex is from a big family and I'm still close to my in laws. My Mum died when I was 13 and dad died last year so they've always been the main support with dc.

BiL is in the navy and a few years younger. Don't see a huge amount of him but he's always been around and very loving with dc.
He was visiting this past week and helped me take dc to respite. After asked me what i was doing which was nothing and said he couldn't have that so we went to cinema which is in one of those leisure arcade things so ended up getting something to eat and playing some games as well. Got back to mine and almost as soon as we did started kissing and one thing led to another.

I honestly don't know what came over me. Haven't even been on a date since my marriage ended. It was intense and different from what I'm used to (don't want to be graphic but ex never focused on me). afterwards we fell asleep together. The morning was confusing as he acted almost like we were together? Made me tea and breakfast told me i was beautiful idk I liked it but the shame was fully taking hold of me by this point. Made excuses to get away but think he'd have stayed otherwise. Haven't addressed it since but he's been messaging me and saying when he can visit next.

I know this can't be a thing and i think it would never be mentioned again if I avoid him. Thing is if it was anyone else I'd do it again and so that i liked it is makinynke feel icky. He's also a few years younger which in anyone else wouldn't be a problem but because I've known him since he was younger is also making me feel wrong.

So please be straight with me because my head is all over the place

What exactly is the age gap and how long have you been split from his brother?

I would be honest with him! Say you like him it 🤷‍♀️

Who is clutching pearls? People are just observing that it's likely to cause drama in a family which has, up to this point, been the OPs main source of support.

Yes I was a little nauseated too and by the minority other posts supporting it. I’m fairly sure if these posters husbands shagged their little sister they’d not be saying you go, you deserved that shag.

OP this feels like a post the media could pick up and would be outing for you, given child's condition, BIL on leave from navy in the past week etc. You might want to ask Admin to remove the thread as even a name change won't help if your ex and family all figure it out.

I don't think you need to feel guilty about it! You're both adults, you've had a really difficult time, this wasn't planned and you had a nice time with each other.

I do think though that unless you have really strong feelings it probably isn't worth the aggro to continue. You can thank him for the lovely time but say that the situation is too complicated to continue.

Maybe you can use this situation as a learning exercise - you've discovered that you still want sex and romance in your life - and there are ways of seeking it that won't risk your lovely relationship with your in laws.

Totally!

I don’t consider myself a pearl clutcher but the ‘go get it girl’ reactions to this are totally bizarre.

What a cruel betrayal by both of you of your ex husband (who I’m assuming also doesn’t deserve this and hasn’t previously slept with your sibling).

Catherine of Aragonny...?

In fairness, Arthur was dead!

As someone who’s DP is in the Navy please also consider his job before you get yourself into a relationship that already sounds as if it could cause drama. If he’s surface he could be away for 6+ months on end with contact, if he’s a submariner he could be away for 4+ months with ZERO contact (this is my DP), plus 24 hour duties plus he could be relocated. This is a huge undertaking if you already have a child with needs, this could cause a huge emotional impact on you for also, this is my concern.

Where is Jeremy Kyle when you need him 🤪

My late Mil who died as a very old lady almost 45 years ago was originally married to the eldest of two brothers. He then died and she later married his brother. She also had children to both men. It was what happened in those days within their culture and accepted.

I also knew a welsh lady who did the same as my MIL but only about 30 years ago. Her husband died and she then married his brother a few years later. They are still together and have been very happy.

OP, don’t be rushing into anything with your BIL but by the same token you only have to close the door on it if that’s what you want.

Even if you left it now and kept quiet, I would be worried that the two brothers will have an argument one day and you’re Ex BIL will shout ‘Well I fucked your ex wife!’ Bloody Hell.

'Maybe it could be a 'thing if he is keen on you. But of course your inlaws will probably disapprove and then if it ends in tears that will be a family problem too. I really don't know what to suggest. Just be friendly and see what happens.

I really would get this thread deleted OP as it's way too outing.

First off, assuming you're both single you did nothing 'technically' wrong. So you don't need to feel guilty about it. Neither of you 'betrayed' anyone. At this point you 'owe' nothing to your ex's family.

Whether or not it was 'wise' is another thing. But that's based entirely on your own feelings. And your exBiL's too. You need to sort out your own head as to what you want. FWB? A relationship, albeit one that would come with a great deal of complications? Or was this just a momentary madness that you don't want repeated. Figure yourself out, then you need to have a talk with BiL.

I voted YABU mainly because of your relationship with your in laws, your obviously fond of them and the effect this would have on them and consequently your child could be disastrous, otherwise I would have said go for it.

Op you did nothing wrong, but you receive a lot of support from exs family, and this could cause ructions so I’d tell him it’s not a good to continue. Coping alone with a disabled child would be rough.Unless you think it wouldn’t? You will already know how everyone is going to react

Also this is one I’d ask to get deleted too, if your ex mil is on here you are outed!

Don't see a problem at all
If your both happy crack on

Sorry, but I can’t see anything good coming from this situation.

No good will come of this.

To be honest, the damage is already done as ex BIL could easily blurt it out to his brother in an argument one day. Hopefully he won't but I'd be meeting up with ex BIL to say it was a mistake and cannot happen again.

I can't believe the posters condoning this. There are a multitude of men out there that you can have sex with. Your child's uncle shouldn't be one of them, it has the potential to ruin relationships across the entire family.

I'd also get your thread deleted. There are a lot of details in your post that means anyone that knows you will be able to identify you.

Well my son and his longterm GF split up, not that long after she started seeing my other son. They bought a house together and lived together for some years, eventually split up but it was nothing to do with previous relationship with his brother.

I'm obviously the mum in this situation, she was lovely and not my place to be monitoring who my sons are involved with.

Never caused any issues in the family or with their friends, the only person who had a bit of an issue was my late MIL, no idea what it had to do with her.

Thank you for the replies. I'll try and answer everything!

He's 29 I'm 33. Me and my ex were together when we were young so I've known him from when he was at school. I know that's awful 😖 the age gap isn't huge but meant we didn't socialise when younger and then he's been away from 18 so we're close but not like siblings. Does that make sense? My ex dh's other brother is a year younger and around all the time and he feels more like a brother and I feel my insides shrivelling if I picture the samething happening there.

I don't think there's a sibling rivalry or any secret bubbling love/past crush. That's maybe why it feels so weird? I don't understand my own motivations or his. It definitely wasn't planned it was a last minute thing as we coming back from dropping off dc at the hospice. He came back in the house as he had been round before and had left some bits. We've been out together to things before as we have similar taste in music etc. Unless I was just clueless there wasn't any flirting or attraction before. He is a good looking guy but also really looks like my ex 🙈 I can't really pinpoint why we started kissing we just did. There wasn't even a build up and we weren't drunk... argh just messy. Honestly feel so ashamed of myself.

I think he's hoping it happens again but not directly mentioning it. If anyone looked at our messages it wouldn't look like anything had happened. If he was anyone else I would happily have a fwb situation. I don't want a relationship - honestly I'm not sure if I ever will. I think I forgot that I liked sex. Me and my ex dh basically stopped having sex after dc was born and as stupid as it probably sounds I haven't even felt vaguely turned on or frustrated being single as that whole part of me had just died. Now it's bloody awake again but in the most awkward ridiculous way possible that I can't tell anyone irl about!

Someone else asked about my relationship with my ex. He didn't cheat and wasn't abusive but he did take the stress out on me and could be mean. He just shut down over everything but is a good dad (although he doesn't really play any part in the ehcp/continuing care etc part of having a disabled child). He also has a new partner and I think they will probably get engaged at some point.

I don't have siblings but can completely imagine I would be retching if I did and my ex slept with my sister. I think my ex fil and other bil would be unimpressed but mil ans sil are more easy going. But i don't want them to know!

Sorry if I've missed anyone's questions.

Eeeek. Tell him it was a mistake and whilst it was lovely you don’t intend on doing it again!!

can get messy if your ex and his family finds out

I’m pretty sure the “you go girl” brigade would be less keen if they discovered their ex was secretly shagging their sister (of brother).